Have you guys really talked about this seriously? Does he know how much it bothers you?
People like his mom can ruin marriages. You guys need to identify her as a threat to your relationship and , unfortunately, dealing with the enemy does not always involve shooting them in the head. Sometimes it takes creativity and patience.
either way, your husband and you need to be a team, instead of him becoming the middle person between you and his mom.
How this will happen only you two can figure out, but she is not going away and hopefully neither are you.
You can call his mom and tell her that this year you would like to have the children see your side of the family for Thanksgiving, but you would be happy to be with them on Christmas. If she gets mad, too bad.

Your situation is really complicated because of the family business. Not only is the relationship with his mom but the income, (which I assume you two depend upon?) are possibly compromised if his mom is not happy. Ultimately, your husband will have to deal with this. I know it's hard to be understanding when you feel your desire to see your family is being marginalized but putting pressure on your husband to stand up to his mom is not helping either. Try to put yourself in his shoes. He has much to consider. If he pleases his mom, he hurts his wife. If he pleases his wife, he hurts his mother and possibly his income. Is the mother a reasonable person? Do you think if he suggests Aronia's plan that she would have a fit?

I think my MIL is a reasonable person as long as it's her way. Not showing up to Thanksgiving (no matter what the reason)is going to cause a major fit. Just to be clear...we are not going to see my family either. Our marriage is so stressed right now that we need to focus on each other and our kids, not our extended family. Our income is not affected because it's my husband that runs this business and his mom runs the paperwork, taxes, and banking. If she left, my husband could hire an accountant and I already know how to do the majority of what she does anyway (I'm her right hand and often run things when shes gone). No one knows how to run the business or work on the machines or keep the plant running without my husband's help. It took many years of apprenticing under his father (who is no longer around) to learn the business. If anything, my MIL is at my husband's mercy; he could leave the business and she would be destitute within a year (however, neither he or I would ever use that against her).

Well, that changes things quite a bit! Thank goodness. Best of luck with that. I hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful.

If he hasn't told her by now... maybe he would like to go to her house for Thanksgiving.
What about your kids? wouldn't they enjoy being at Thanksgiving with their extended family and their Grandma?
I don't think doing a solo Thanksgiving is going to strengthen your marriage. But if you go to his Mother's and try your best to be loving and kind ( basically give in) I bet your husband will look over at you and be filled with loving thoughts! You didn't really give specific examples of how his Mother is getting on your nerves.. so it's hard to say.
Hang in there!

Great suggestion Brightside. It's tough when the mom in law is being demanding.. it can make everyone nuts.

I sort of agree with Brightside. It does sound like you need to spend some time away from the MIL, but thanksgiving might not be the right time for that. Just a hunch but are you trying to prove to yourself that your husband will pick you over his mom, by trying to get him to spend thanksgiving without her?

I didn't mean that you were doing it consciously, just wanted to point that out.

Maebeth, here is my 2 cents as the former wife of a Mama's boy. Do something serious about this now or it may end your marriage. His mother may be in his head so much she overrides his reasonable thinking. I went through 12 years of Hell before throwing in the towel. He did not want to change but your DH may. Let him know how you feel and ask him to make a choice as to who comes first in his life . You may not like the choice but if Mom is a controlling Monster in law you can't have a successful marriage. I asked mine to make a list of the most important people in his life. I was number 5. I knew then our marriage was over. When I finally left he said "We" thought you would have left sooner. I just hope you can resolve something before your marriage ends up like mine did. Hugs,

You love your husband very much. You've been married for 7 years. This next part is not about loyalty, its about familiarity and the ability to predict reactions. He has known her his whole life. He knows how much worse the stress you spoke of can get so he tries to appease her. You said yourself - Not showing up to Thanksgiving (no matter what the reason) is going to cause a major fit. Your MIL is a reasonable person as long as it's her way. Thats another way of saying she is unreasonable when its not her way. Unreasonable, irrational and illogical are synonyms at thesaurus.com. He may be protecting you and your kids from additional stress. You believe him not standing up to his mom hurts you. Are you certain the outcome of him standing up to his mom would hurt you less? You say she owns the business with your husband. I can almost promise that if she left it wouldnt be quietly and hiring an accountant would be the least of your husbands concerns. Even if your MIL is at your husband's mercy, how would Grandma becoming destitute play out with your two children in a few years? Also, I assume the business has other employees? Would they become destitute as well? Would you have that on your husbands conscience too? If he left the business you would certainly go too (willingly or unwillingly). What would you two do then to support yourselves and your children? I promise you these considerations and a hundred more are racing through his head every time he tries to balance her demands against your desires.

Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas are family holidays. New Years Eve/New Years Day is a time to reconnect, renew and resolve to make things better. Valentines Day is a time to celebrate the better things and reward each other for making that happen. Try to hang in there and see if 90 days dont bring you some of the attention and personal time with your husband that you clearly desire.

Im so glad you don't believe he lies to you. Please continue not to take it personally or read premeditated deceit into his actions. Even though it feels like hes slighting you in the short term, he loves you and tries to do whats best for everyone in the long term. Try asking him to talk to you about the thoughts and emotions he has when he feels like he has to choose between appeasing you and appeasing her. Also, continue to take your position beside him and not with him placed between you and his mother. Ive been there and I promise you that as bad as it feels to you, it feels just as bad if not worse to him.

@ponygal - I'm glad you made the list.

I once lived with someone who lives by "to-do" lists. As hard as I tried, I couldn't get on the lists.

he has put you off long enough. if you want to see your family on thanksgiving then you should go with or without him. maybe then he will get the message that you are serious about the quality time together. there is a time to work and a time to play. if he wants to work all the time and not enjoy life then so be it. you dont have to be the same way .

Thanks everyone for your comments. It is appreciated. Final verdict: Hubby will go over to his mother's a couple hours before dinner to get Christmas decorations from the attic (she asked him to), the kids and I will come just before dinner starts, then the kids and I will stay for 30 minutes after dinner is done to help clean up, after that the kids and I will leave. Hubby can stay as long as he likes (which he swears will be the same time I leave with the kids, but quite frankly I couldn't care less). Overall, I think it's a good compromise and I'm trying to maintain a good attitude by not being bitter that I cancelled on my family but we are not doing the same for hubby's. Any thoughts?

I think you should go and try to have fun and not make up rules about " 30 minutes after I am done... the kids and I will leave" lol

Won't there be anyone there that you enjoy?

How about your kids.. Do they have cousins that they get to see??

It's Thanksgiving after all.. set aside the day to be grateful and thankful. Not a day to add up all of the unjustness you have endured.

You could always try to be thankful to your Mother in law for giving birth to your husband! lol

I have the same issues with the mother in law!! Mine says very hurtful things, ridicule how i do things, like laundry and cook.. it's not HER way... and she says, she'd do anything for her SON.. Not myself, as long as HE is happy... And he will not stick up to her either!! It's so stressful, so I know where you are coming from. The way I think of it is, I am trying to not let it bug me, although it does and always will, but remember you have your husbands love, in a different way than she does. She has the mother-son love, you are his wife.. I know it's hard, but it happens to more people than we think! I thought I was alone too, come to realize his brother's girlfriend- has the same stuff with his mom! We talk about it together. she makes rude remarks and makes it feel like we are competing for her children's love.. I know how tough it can be, stick it out! IF you need anything feel free to message me.