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This thread is about one of my husband's female friends. All 3 of us are in our late thirties/early forties.
My husband was told by him mom when he was younger that he was a good listener. He feels that his calling is to help others, male and female, with their problems. One person whom he helped a couple of months ago was a friend he met through one of his ex girlfriends several years ago. He met her at the church his ex went to. From what he told me the only contact he had with her was either by phone or through facebook. At the moment it is facebook. All three of us live in the same city in Texas, but she lives about an hour away from us.
About 2 months ago she called our home phone number and left a message asking him to call her. She sounded frustrated. He called her, but he got her voice mail. He was finally able to reach her, and when he did, she let him know that she and her fiance, whom she met in Wisconsin while on vacation over a year ago, broke up. The conversation was short because he was at work at the time. Then she called him at our home number again while both of us were at home. Both of us were in the same area when she called. He let her know that he was married, and then she continued to talk about the breakup of her relationship with her fiance. My husband does not know if her relationship was long distance or if her boyfriend moved to the same city she lives in before proposing to her. He gave her some encouraging words. After the phone call ended, he let me know that she told him that she was happy about his recent marriage to me and that she would not do anything to cause problems in our marriage.
The following evening she called again, but since my husband was busy, he chose not to answer the phone. We have caller id and an answering machine. He recognized her phone number. She did not leave a message. Over the course of about 3 weeks, she continued to call and not leave messages. She called about 6 times after the first time she called and did not leave a message. She called during the afternoon when both of us were at work. She did stop calling at one point.
My questions are....
For future reference...
How much relationship advice should a husband give to a single female friend?
To what extent should a husband give relationship advice to a single female friend?
When should the wife step in if needed?
My husband was told by him mom when he was younger that he was a good listener. He feels that his calling is to help others, male and female, with their problems. One person whom he helped a couple of months ago was a friend he met through one of his ex girlfriends several years ago. He met her at the church his ex went to. From what he told me the only contact he had with her was either by phone or through facebook. At the moment it is facebook. All three of us live in the same city in Texas, but she lives about an hour away from us.
About 2 months ago she called our home phone number and left a message asking him to call her. She sounded frustrated. He called her, but he got her voice mail. He was finally able to reach her, and when he did, she let him know that she and her fiance, whom she met in Wisconsin while on vacation over a year ago, broke up. The conversation was short because he was at work at the time. Then she called him at our home number again while both of us were at home. Both of us were in the same area when she called. He let her know that he was married, and then she continued to talk about the breakup of her relationship with her fiance. My husband does not know if her relationship was long distance or if her boyfriend moved to the same city she lives in before proposing to her. He gave her some encouraging words. After the phone call ended, he let me know that she told him that she was happy about his recent marriage to me and that she would not do anything to cause problems in our marriage.
The following evening she called again, but since my husband was busy, he chose not to answer the phone. We have caller id and an answering machine. He recognized her phone number. She did not leave a message. Over the course of about 3 weeks, she continued to call and not leave messages. She called about 6 times after the first time she called and did not leave a message. She called during the afternoon when both of us were at work. She did stop calling at one point.
My questions are....
For future reference...
How much relationship advice should a husband give to a single female friend?
To what extent should a husband give relationship advice to a single female friend?
When should the wife step in if needed?
If you don't answer her calls and don't call her back she will eventually stop calling.
I had to step in several times and tell my SO that I don't like certain things. When to do it is purely individual. I am personally not comfortable with some woman calling my husband every day. He is not her therapist nor her close friend nor her relative.
These kinds of revelations are deeply personal and should be reserved either for therapy or people who really know you.
This is why online support groups are great - you can vent to people who are willing to listen. Everyone benefits and noone's life is disrupted.
It is very kind, big-hearted for people like your husband to want to help out those in need. My SO is the same (part of what I love about him). But at the same time, I think their need to be some boundaries, in particular when it comes to contact/ helping the opposite sex. As it is very easy (when spending much time together, talking, not including the SO, alone 1:1) to develop feelings beyond platonic.
I think your husband handled it appropriately, he told you about everything right up front, didn't put much effort into getting back to her. Like onetoomany suggested, if you don't answer, eventually the friend will get the hint. Stop with the calls.
If things are on the up and up.. why don't YOU answer the phone if you see her number on the caller id? Tell her that your husband has told you he is giving her support since her recent breakup. You might add a few "We's" into the convo to get a feel for where she is coming from.. like " Oh, WE hope that you're doing well.. etc..see if you can get a vibe from her. If everything is cool.. She should be very friendly and receptive towards you.. I feel as women we are able to pick up on vibes from other women. If we are in competition with them.. or if they are benign. kwim??
The next time the single female friend calls, he needs to answer the phone and tell her as nicely as possible to seek professional help and to stop calling him.
He has already gone far beyond the call of duty. He owes her nothing and he owes you everything.
If he cannot or will not do this, I would be concerned about the depth of his commitment to your marriage.
Sorry to be so blunt, it's one of my best and worst traits.
I think you're looking for honest advice and that's what I honestly believe is what needs to happen here.
When my husband's female friend called, I was the only one home, and I did not recognize the phone number, & so I did not answer. My husband was at work at that time.
My feeling is this...
If your intentions are honorable, and I answer the phone, then you should have no problem telling me who you are and why you are calling.
Good luck :)
I think that as long as it doesnt interfere in any way with any other part of your husbands life, especially his personal relationship with you, then lending a friendly, helpful ear probably isnt too harmful. Boundaries are important with this type of thing and it needs to be clear that as soon as boundaries are crossed, the friendly communication ends.
I think a great solution would be to make it a team effort. Talk to her, get to know her, offer your ear. Definitely use "we" a lot and make a point of it being obvious that you and your husband act as one unit.
I am single and I am good friends with my friends' husbands. We text from time to time, mostly because my GF doesn't check her phone. It's not weird, it's not sexual, it's not anything besides grown up people acting grown.
Unless your H has given you reason to believe he can't act grown and handle a friendly convo, or give advice to someone, then I really think there's nothing to worry about.
As someone previously pointed out, women are good at getting a feel for each other
I'm wondering if the friends intuition kicked in and maybe she sensed there was a feeling of being threatened. That, or she just knows how women usually respond to their boyfriends/husbands having a friendship with the opposite sex and was trying to make a blanket statement to ease any possible tension, a disclaimer to avoid conflict and remain peaceful.
For the most part, I agree with your statement about automatically assuming a female friend is a homewrecker, but I think thats because I know being a homewrecker -for me- is inconcievable. I dont displace my insecurities so the thought rarely even crosses my mind. Some people call it naive, sure. Their opinions are irrelevant.
The ONLY time I was ever truly suspicious of my significant others behavior, ended in divorce due to my husband leaving me for another woman (and I'm pretty sure he was having an affair of sorts with her just prior, but I dont believe it was physical).
If were not sure we trust them, then we dont trust them. Its pretty simple.
Then she continued to continuously call during the afternoon when both of us were at work, but she did not leave messages on our answering machine. The reason why we knew she called is that we have caller id on our home phone.
However I am wondering what she expects from you guys, she sounds desperate, with calling so much. Has she given an inkling what she wants/ expects? Based on what your posted before, it doesn't sound like they had a close relationship prior to this breakup (unless he's not telling you everything, but again she could contact him via facebook if that were the case).. Do you think she might be wanting money, or a place to stay?
The second conversation between my husband and his female friend happend in the evening when both of us were at home.
Then after that she continuously called our home line in the afternoon while both of us were at work. She continued to do that for roughly three weeks.