Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hiya all. I'm new to this group here, and am looking for some relationship advise. Upfront, I've only been with one woman in my 30 years of life, and I'm working on number 2 right now, and that is my struggle. I'm socially awkward, tend to over-analyze things, can be blunt and not tactful when talking, and I don't want to be this way. My stbx left me 6 months ago out of a 10 year marriage. It has been a process and a half to get over her, but I feel that for the most part I have. It still is a work in progress, but I'm much happier as a person then I was 6 months ago.
2 months or so ago, I met this girl online, in a chat room. We hit it off pretty well, but she is from Canada, and is currently out of reach in Guatemala. We talk daily, and she claims that she loves me. I never felt the feelings I"ve been experiencing, so I'm going to assume it is love, and have told her as such. I care very deeply for her, and honestly feel that it could be love.
So the problem comes in that I'm a paranoid type, and scared of being hurt again. For some reason, I feel like I'm opening up to her more so then she is. I feel she knows more about me then I do of her, and that worries me. Also, even though she has a webcam and a smartphone, we don't call each other, or webcam. Her words being that she hates doing it, and to a degree I understand. I'm not fond of it either.
But at the same time, my paranoia says that she has something to hide. I have plenty of pictures of her, some with her family, some when she was a bit heavier, some current, so I am going to assume she is real. But I'm worried that I'm wanting more out of this relationship then her. I'm not really sure how to confirm this or not without possibly upsetting her, or rocking the boat too much.
In the nature of disclosure, we have had talks, about dreams and such and she says she wants to have kids with me, that she thinks I'm amazing and handsome, that she can't wait to meet me, that she would love to one day be my wife. She is very career driven, has a well connected family, and it seems from my perspective that any desire of her's could be easily taken care of. She wants me, and I'm not overly sure why, seeing as I'm poor, heavyset, and not what I consider attractive, but that is more of a confidence thing then anything else. She can be very blunt when she wants to be. But at the same time, she is very secretive, and when I push it, she tends to get busy for awhile to where the conversation falls apart.
So am I going crazy to say that something isn't right here? Is there any recommendations you could make to help me? I'm really new to this whole relationship thing, let alone a long distance one, and am really not sure how to proceed. Me and my ex-wife met in high school, and being with her for 14 years, 10 of them married, I haven't done this since high school, and I get the feeling a lot has changed. I'm not upset with her, but I'm so scared of being hurt again, that my defensive mechanisms are kicking in.
Thanks for the advice, and I look forward to your input. I'm honestly happy to be here now. I feel like I'm transiting from breakup to here, to maybe start a new chapter of my life.
2 months or so ago, I met this girl online, in a chat room. We hit it off pretty well, but she is from Canada, and is currently out of reach in Guatemala. We talk daily, and she claims that she loves me. I never felt the feelings I"ve been experiencing, so I'm going to assume it is love, and have told her as such. I care very deeply for her, and honestly feel that it could be love.
So the problem comes in that I'm a paranoid type, and scared of being hurt again. For some reason, I feel like I'm opening up to her more so then she is. I feel she knows more about me then I do of her, and that worries me. Also, even though she has a webcam and a smartphone, we don't call each other, or webcam. Her words being that she hates doing it, and to a degree I understand. I'm not fond of it either.
But at the same time, my paranoia says that she has something to hide. I have plenty of pictures of her, some with her family, some when she was a bit heavier, some current, so I am going to assume she is real. But I'm worried that I'm wanting more out of this relationship then her. I'm not really sure how to confirm this or not without possibly upsetting her, or rocking the boat too much.
In the nature of disclosure, we have had talks, about dreams and such and she says she wants to have kids with me, that she thinks I'm amazing and handsome, that she can't wait to meet me, that she would love to one day be my wife. She is very career driven, has a well connected family, and it seems from my perspective that any desire of her's could be easily taken care of. She wants me, and I'm not overly sure why, seeing as I'm poor, heavyset, and not what I consider attractive, but that is more of a confidence thing then anything else. She can be very blunt when she wants to be. But at the same time, she is very secretive, and when I push it, she tends to get busy for awhile to where the conversation falls apart.
So am I going crazy to say that something isn't right here? Is there any recommendations you could make to help me? I'm really new to this whole relationship thing, let alone a long distance one, and am really not sure how to proceed. Me and my ex-wife met in high school, and being with her for 14 years, 10 of them married, I haven't done this since high school, and I get the feeling a lot has changed. I'm not upset with her, but I'm so scared of being hurt again, that my defensive mechanisms are kicking in.
Thanks for the advice, and I look forward to your input. I'm honestly happy to be here now. I feel like I'm transiting from breakup to here, to maybe start a new chapter of my life.
Treat lightly, my friend. You might have better success meeting women socially in person in your local neighborhood. Engage in activities that you find fun, and talk with women in person. The online thing is risky, especially when there's a continental divide.
From what I've been told, her father is a well respected and pretty big lawyer in DR, and her mom is the Minister of Health for their country. So being well connected I don't think involves criminal ties, but who am I to say for sure.
As far as reasoning goes, I tried the online dating thing for a month or so. I know, not a long time, but still. Any and every girl I messaged wanted nothing to do with me. I was either "too nice", "too heavy", "disabled", or not "good looking enough." And this is coming from girls that weren't exactly 10's themselves.
So in a way, this girl is really pretty, seems to have her head on her shoulders, doesn't care that I'm disabled and is ok with it, is alright with the fact that I'm poor, likes the fact that I'm a bit heavier, and loves how nice I am. So as far as I'm concerned, we have a winner. It also might be out of fear, because I'm afraid no one else will find me desirable, but she hasn't really thrown red flags out to scare me away.
I know it is a personality trait to be secretive, as my ex-wife was that way, my whole family is, and 3 out of the 5 friends I have. With her though, if there is to be a stronger bond, and it is to progress to another level and all, I want her to share with me more, and I would love to overcome this hatred of phones and such to talk in person. I don't want to push too hard though, as she is divorced too, and her ex was abusive. So yea, complicated for me to sort out how to go about this, hence me asking here. I hope this gives a better insight, and hopefully you can help better now. :)
I have been online since the early 90s and have tried my hand -a few times- at meeting people from chat rooms... some were alright, some were absolutely abominable; none were as they presented themselves. Take it slow! It's hard enough to get to know someone when you're dating in person and spending a lot of time together... It's way hard when there's seperation and any resistance to full disclosure. Please be careful. Hearts are resilient but not immune to damage.
I would be very careful with this woman. Don't get too attached without seeing her face-to-face, and protect yourself.
The common theme seems to either break it off, or take it slow, and relax a little. I might do the slow down and relax, rather then breaking it off. I'm willing to put in the work to make this work, but if she keeps being so reserved, maybe I will have to consider this seeing other people thing.
Just as a reference, if I'm talking with another woman that I'm interested in, I won't be looking for anyone else. It is just who I am. I'm a one woman kind of guy if that makes sense. I realize not everyone is like me, but I know I would feel guilty and feel like I'm betraying them both by keeping said secret.
Or is it only communication through a chat room?
The reason I ask that is that her story about how well connected in the DR sounds almost too good to be true.
I developed an online friendship with someone, who spun me a really good story, and when I started to see red flags and question things, I insisted on having a telephone conversation, and I cross referenced the number and realised the whole thing was a lie that he had been spinning me for months. He even tried to deny it and cover his tracks when I started challenging him on the lies. It turned out he was a total con man.
Please be very careful there are some real predators out there, and follow your gut when you start to question things, you could so easily be right.
I have seen and heard of way too many scams, and you have heard people talk about it on here. Just be careful and cautious. Best of luck and well wishes to you!