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How to respond when in an argument...need advice.

geekinla
geekinla

Hello everyone! I hope you can help. Last night my boyfriend and I were going to dinner and he was thirty minutes late. The challenge is that he is always late. I've tried very hard to be ok with this over the past ten months but sometimes I do not handle it as well as others and since we were meeting my friends for the first time, I was upset. When I told him why I was upset (and I used 'me' statements so as to not seem accusatory) he then threw in my face the two times in the ten months that we dated in which I was late.  I was taken back that did not know what to say in response. I realized that I had triggered him and felt as though nothing I could say would help. So I sat in silence feeling like an idiot because I did not know what to say. Does anyone have any feedback as to how I could have better handled that? And yes, ideally it would be me not getting upset about him always being late but I am looking for advice as to how to respond to someone who hears you state your feelings and then responds so angrily. I am really confused and appreciate any feedback. Thank you.

patti22
patti22
No advice, but I'll share my story.

My ex was chronically late picking up the kids. They got tired of coming home from a friend's house only to wait for hours for their dad. So I told them to pack their bags first, and I'd have him pick them up from their friend's houses. Somehow, after 30 years of dating, then marriage, then divorce...THAT got him starting to show up on time.

Good luck, Patti
rmb
rmb
It's probably something he's had people call him out on before so he's touchy. I find when people are chronically late, they are trying to assert control, whether they realize it or not. To me you did nothing wrong and I'd be upset with him being late myself. I would talk to him about it next time you see him, but do it when you are both relaxed and calm.

I had a friend who was always chronically late and it got to the point where one time she was meeting me out and was 45 min late (this was before cell phones) and I just left. She was pissed but I told her, hey, this is just not how you treat people and my time is valuable too. She improved, was still always late but she got better. I think it's a control thing for the chronically late.
carterbrautigan
carterbrautigan
Take the high road. When he turns your complaint around in order to take the heat off himself, you apologize if there is any truth in what he says. Then you promise that you will try in the future to always be on time, and you hope that he will do the same. Then you dump his sorry ass the next time he pulls this passive-agressive bullshit. Does he at least call you to let you know that he will be late, and why? If not, ask him to do so. Sometimes it is easier to show up on time than to admit to having poor time-management skills.
Lenoire
Lenoire
If you know someone and their unbecoming habits, I find it helps to keep it in mind when making plans. If you know he's going to be late, allow for a longer cocktail hour to give him time to arrive. If he hasn't arrived after 45 minutes, continue with your plan, as it's considered poor behaviour to put others out for the convenience of a late comer. If you've finished your drinks, and are hungry, order dinner. You can always text him to ask if he's on his way, saying, "we're getting hungry and are ready to order dinner."
Susieq
Susieq
He knew this night was important to you and showing up late was rude. He should of taken responsibility for his behavior instead of lashing out to you. You can express to him how important that night was and you were hurt by it and see what he says.

You have to see if you can be with him the way he is always late because that probably won't change. Hugs
11Christmases
11Christmases
You were rightfully unhappy with him for being late, and tried to express how you felt without blaming. He then "blame-shifted". Does he do this often, rather than acknowledge that he was wrong? If so, that's a red flag. I think you're beating yourself up over calling him out for being late. You did nothing wrong.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
This would drive me nuts.... I am compulsively prompt and can't stand being left waiting more then about 10 minutes... I would leave without him as well... This would get tired very quickly for me and I agree red flag
rmb
rmb
So, reading back on this, your issue is really about how he reacted when you told him how you felt, right? The thing is that as functional as we approach someone, it doesn't guarantee a functional response. So I think when you talk to him about this, talk to him about his reaction, not the being late, and see if you can understand why he reacted that way. That way you will understand him better, and hopefully, he will understand you better. Some of the best discussions my husband and I have had are post arguement, after things have settled a bit.
Aronia
Aronia
I don't think this is going to change. There are several people in my life who are chronically late and no matter what I say or do, they cotinue to do it.
I think you have to either accept it, send him reminders, etc OR break it off.
Chronic lateness seriously gets on my nerves.
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