Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I have only been involved (sexually) with one man my entire life. And it ended pretty bad. It ended with me being hurt cause I was in love and he just wanted to have fun. This lasted for 6 years,
After this, I became very closed and I can't trust anyone. I am afraid to ever fall in love again because I don't want to get hurt. But I so damn envy those people who fall in love and have a great relationship together cause I never had that.
The person I was with was very cold to me, sex wasn't great.. it wasn't even good for me.. never, so to me it's something I can live without and I don't miss it at all.. maybe because I can't say anything nice about it...
My friends always check on guys and make comments but the truth is I don't feel attracted to anyone.. I just want distance, is this normal? Everyone tells me it's not .. and I feel terribly bad I have to fake it so my friends don't call me weird...
I really don't know what happens to me, this is just how I truly feel.
I recently added an old school colleague on facebook, i remember me and him used to be very close and great friends, even though we never had anything other than a friendship i used to like him back in the day (this was way before i met the asshole i mentioned above)..
I gained courage to say a hello when i saw him online last night and he immediately replied.. i didn't expected him to do so! We exchanged a few lines and then he said he had to go but would love to talk more and maybe go out for a coffee sometime.. i said sure!
Truth is im terribly scared and regret talking to him at all. Again, is this normal? I don't want anything from him, it has been 10 years and i dont know what kind of person he has become. I know he is single right now, but i don't care since thats not my interest...
I'm confused.. and really dont know what to do .. i dont want to get close for fear of getting hurt.. that previous relationship has destroyed my outlook on love, sex and trust.. and i feel like im unable to ever like anyone again or feel attracted to them... what do i do?
After this, I became very closed and I can't trust anyone. I am afraid to ever fall in love again because I don't want to get hurt. But I so damn envy those people who fall in love and have a great relationship together cause I never had that.
The person I was with was very cold to me, sex wasn't great.. it wasn't even good for me.. never, so to me it's something I can live without and I don't miss it at all.. maybe because I can't say anything nice about it...
My friends always check on guys and make comments but the truth is I don't feel attracted to anyone.. I just want distance, is this normal? Everyone tells me it's not .. and I feel terribly bad I have to fake it so my friends don't call me weird...
I really don't know what happens to me, this is just how I truly feel.
I recently added an old school colleague on facebook, i remember me and him used to be very close and great friends, even though we never had anything other than a friendship i used to like him back in the day (this was way before i met the asshole i mentioned above)..
I gained courage to say a hello when i saw him online last night and he immediately replied.. i didn't expected him to do so! We exchanged a few lines and then he said he had to go but would love to talk more and maybe go out for a coffee sometime.. i said sure!
Truth is im terribly scared and regret talking to him at all. Again, is this normal? I don't want anything from him, it has been 10 years and i dont know what kind of person he has become. I know he is single right now, but i don't care since thats not my interest...
I'm confused.. and really dont know what to do .. i dont want to get close for fear of getting hurt.. that previous relationship has destroyed my outlook on love, sex and trust.. and i feel like im unable to ever like anyone again or feel attracted to them... what do i do?
Idk how it is for others, but for me personally the first time was the worst, others not so bad. Still sad, but not as painful. I think for you, you have to decide how badly do you want to take a chance at having a fulfilling, happy relationship?
The other thing is... You are perfectly in control of how close you want to get with someone. You can at least start practicing dating and getting to know people.
There is always a chance you will lose the person you love, even being married doesnt guarantee anything.
I am not afraid to get hurt. It is what it is.
One way to ensure that you succeed next time is to figure out your own issues first. Have you been to counseling to sort things out?
Do observe the other person's behavior though. If you're getting a cold vibe from their heart, don't invest so much of yours. All the red flags are on the wall, painfully obvious, right in front of us (poor eye contact, they walk on and leave us in favor of something else they'd like to look at rather than us when we're walking) when we're together! We just choose to ignore them because we're blinded by a veil of our own emotions. Do observe those red flags when they're there, objectively, then make an objective decision about whether you'd like to continue on with that person. Relationships require logic as well as emotion.
Then recently I met a guy who treated me really nice and was very warm and caring, for the first time in my life. We made love, not just sex. Lots of eye contact, kissing, talking, laughing, etc. Very sensual and loving. It was wonderful. He turned out to be a commitment phobe and ran as soon as things got serious. But at least I now know it's possible to feel that way with someone and have a loving sexual experience. So don't give up.
Take it slow when you start dating. Observe how he treats other people (not just you), because it's a strong indicator of how he will treat you once the "newness" is gone. And of course when and if you become sexual, that's a real indicator of a man's mental and sexual health. As the song said:
IT'S UNDER THE COVERS THAT YOU DISCOVER IF YOUR MAN IS WHOLE.
I honestly don't want to date anyone, I just want to be alone. I know it's very early and absolutely normal to feel this way (it's been about 5 months since we broke up).. but I feel a certain pressure from everyone that at my age i should be dating... no one even cares to ask why i don't date, they just criticize that i dont.
@agent smith, i am very sorry all of that happened to you, really.. it makes me feel like what i experienced was nothing :(
What I really want to know is f it is normal for me to feel the way I feel, if its normal to feel fear when meeting other men due to what happened before and if its totally ok to just stay single if that is what i want...
I am not in a point of my life where i can trust a man .. i just can't.. i am not saying all are bad and all are going to hurt me, but right now i don't feel capable to trust anyone, good or bad..
It is also important to mention i go through this all by myself, my family doesnt know, they are not really supportive, and i don't discuss it with my friends because they dont seem to care either...
That's funny for you to say, cause I have felt the exact same way my entire life... and so far nothing has changed..
But I took that time to figure out who I was and what I wanted. I went from mom or dads house, to living with my sons father for 2 1/2 yrs then six mos after him to my husband. I was always doing for and being for someone else.
My husband was extremely abusive both mentally and physically so I went through counseling for bout a year and a half ..and then went on to learn to love myself and find who I really was.
7 yrs later unexpectedly and I really wasn't looking I met my current bf of 6 yrs n counting
Theres absolutely nothing wrong with being alone for any length of time. When youre ready itll happen
As for the whole relationship thing, I suggest that you quit thinking about being lonely, find friends to spend time with. Live life and be happy. The positivity will attract people to you. Let the right 1 in your heart when your ready.
I kinda know this works because I was in your shoes not to long ago at all. I'm not in a serious relationship but I have friends who care for me. I didn't feel afraid of being with someone, I desperately wanted a relationship with a woman. I let off a aura of desperation which wasn't attractive in any way. I met some really nice women and I kinda scared them away. I eventually realized that I wasn't ready and I had to work on me a bit. I'm still doing that. I'm still not ready but I'm not really looking. I believe love comes when you're happiest with yourself and it's completely unexpected. I feel very happy as things are right now.
I know that your situation might be a little different but I suggest that you get out and meet people with intentions of friendship first and let relationships bloom into what ever they will be.
I have a couple of good friends and I'm lucky to have them. I'm not lonely anymore.
I talk about girls and friends here so I don't say anything that will mess the relationship up.