Healthy Relationships Support Group
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When I met my other half seven years ago we were both different physically.
I was thin and top heavy. He was pudgy and a bit shorter then I. During our time together lots has happened. I had a child, plus I was diagnosed with a heart condition. He found a job that was quite physical and with my encouragement signed up for ball hockey and a few other sports.
Now he's thinner, not stick thin, but he used to be 220lbs and now he's closer to 160. And I'm chunkier (I'm not disclosing that weight lol) but I do not weigh more then he did when we met. And I'm still top heavy....and I swear that makes up a substantial part of my weight lol.
In the last three years he has not complimented me on my appearance once. I get my hair done, my nails, I take care of myself. I'll go out of my way to buy, say, a shirt he likes but I don't care for. And he will look at me wearing it and say something like 'the shirts okay....but those pants are ugly'. He absolutely cannot give me any form of praise without following it with a cut.
It hurts!! And when I try to talk to him about it he just shrugs. I compliment him a lot. My only complaint is he's too thin, I'm sort of a chubby chaser lol. I always tell him how good I think he looks, how attractive he is, how I'm proud of him for doing all the things he does. What does he tell me? Nada.
I run a dayhome....I work from 7am until 7pm five days a week. I do wear sweats or loose shorts when I work because I can't chase down a toddler in tight jeans! So he does usually see me dressed down at home. But he comes home from work covered in sawdust and glue and walks around in his boxers until bedtime if no one else is home. When we go out I do my best to look nice.
Its my biggest issue with our relationship. About three years back, when I started putting on weight, we started having issues. He wasn't thinner at this point. We were engaged but I called it off and we have been steadily working at the problems. This is the last big one left. And no matter what I do he just brushes it off. He doesn't even attempt to reassure me when we are arguing/discussing that he finds me even a smidge attractive.
Im lost, this is a big deal to me. I don't want to stay in a relationship where I feel ugly and unwanted all the time. Where I have so much anxiety over the attraction being one sided I feel sick sometimes. Any advice? And he DID compliment me before we hit our really tough spot and whatnot.
I was thin and top heavy. He was pudgy and a bit shorter then I. During our time together lots has happened. I had a child, plus I was diagnosed with a heart condition. He found a job that was quite physical and with my encouragement signed up for ball hockey and a few other sports.
Now he's thinner, not stick thin, but he used to be 220lbs and now he's closer to 160. And I'm chunkier (I'm not disclosing that weight lol) but I do not weigh more then he did when we met. And I'm still top heavy....and I swear that makes up a substantial part of my weight lol.
In the last three years he has not complimented me on my appearance once. I get my hair done, my nails, I take care of myself. I'll go out of my way to buy, say, a shirt he likes but I don't care for. And he will look at me wearing it and say something like 'the shirts okay....but those pants are ugly'. He absolutely cannot give me any form of praise without following it with a cut.
It hurts!! And when I try to talk to him about it he just shrugs. I compliment him a lot. My only complaint is he's too thin, I'm sort of a chubby chaser lol. I always tell him how good I think he looks, how attractive he is, how I'm proud of him for doing all the things he does. What does he tell me? Nada.
I run a dayhome....I work from 7am until 7pm five days a week. I do wear sweats or loose shorts when I work because I can't chase down a toddler in tight jeans! So he does usually see me dressed down at home. But he comes home from work covered in sawdust and glue and walks around in his boxers until bedtime if no one else is home. When we go out I do my best to look nice.
Its my biggest issue with our relationship. About three years back, when I started putting on weight, we started having issues. He wasn't thinner at this point. We were engaged but I called it off and we have been steadily working at the problems. This is the last big one left. And no matter what I do he just brushes it off. He doesn't even attempt to reassure me when we are arguing/discussing that he finds me even a smidge attractive.
Im lost, this is a big deal to me. I don't want to stay in a relationship where I feel ugly and unwanted all the time. Where I have so much anxiety over the attraction being one sided I feel sick sometimes. Any advice? And he DID compliment me before we hit our really tough spot and whatnot.
I find that I can't throw all of it away over this. If I could I would of left years ago and not tried so exhaustingly hard to fix us. It has been a trying few years! And we overcame some things that were bigger and harder for me to agree with.
Ugh, when did life get so complicated lol.
I wouldn't either.
Begin some form of light cardio exercise, like walking, whatever you feel your heart can take. Do it FOR YOU, NOT him. Whether you choose to stay in this relationship or not, you've got to have a healthy relationship with yourself; you've got to feel good in your own skin. It's the only body you've got, so feel good in it, and take care of it.
I agree with the 'deal breaker' thing,, but not to get negative in kind. If he wants to go, let him go. If he wants to stay then it takes work from both to be like two horses in the same yolk trying to move forward. One horse can't just drag the other along like dead weight. They have to agree on how to move forward together without pulling each other counterproductively in opposite directions.
Are you communicating effectively? Can he be honest about what he likes and doesn't like? and you not take it personally? I think if my husband, well, in fact I have done it. I have told my ex which clothes I especially like, and which ones I don't like. It doesn't reflect on my love for him. I love him the same,, just don't like those pants. Could use some tact though right? Maybe you and your husband could use some marriage counseling and work on your effective communication skills?
I know about genetics just playing a part. But not one single person in the last 90 years, on BOTH sides of my family has escaped either diabetes or a heart condition. Since I already have the heart condition....I've had it the doctors think since I was very young...possibly even birth that half is taken care of. As well, when I was pregnant I got gestational diabetes....bad....and was told that would also increase my risk significantly. To the point the doctors have told me to just be incredibly prepared as they all think it will happen.
I am losing weight for myself. He hasn't even noticed I've lost anything. I walk for an hour or two every single day....all year unless it gets waaaay to cold (I am Canadian lol). I also squeak in half hour of cardio three to four times a week while all the kids in the day home nap. I haven't dressed for him in almost a year. I buy what makes me comfortable.
We are very blunt with each other. He has made it clear that just because I loved him as a chubby guy doesn't mean he likes me as a chubby girl. Does it hurt? Yes. But I asked for honesty and I got it. I think what bugs me there is I have lost a fair chunk of weight and he hasn't even noticed. A few compliments may help in the motivation factor! It's hard to keep going when he doesn't seem to care either way :(
I'm just not sure how to get all these things across to him. Because I can barely keep his attention long enough for him to look me in the eye and have me tell him out right EXACTLY how I feel. And when I do let it out it's like he's not really listening. And hes mastered the art of turning it around so that its he who is the 'victim'. And then I feel bad lol. There were a ton of things to be fixed and he has made a dent on some and so have I. Except this one.
I should also mention something else....and it may just be him being a man....but he will point out thin girls and be like 'that's a good size on you' or he will flirt with the waitresses right in front of me. At first I thought it was just him reveling in the fact he got more female attention now that he's thinner....but it hasn't really slowed down. And no, I don't think he has or will cheat on me. And the girls he always points out are thin like I will never be. I will never ever weigh less then 140lbs, it is the healthy weight for my size (I suffered with an eating disorder as a child and know where I am meant to be weight wise) and he points out girls who are 110lbs to 120lbs max.