Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I've been married for 8 years and have 2 beautiful boys, 2 and 5. My husband admits he is selfish and lacks empathy. It is really wearing on me lately and I don't know how to cope now...
On the outside we have a great relationship. We have a lot of laughs and share the same interests. We both love our boys obviously. But on the inside, I feel like there should be more to marriage. We rarely have sex just because we are both so tired and I sleep with my boys most nights (a habit I've been trying to unsuccessfully break). Husband is fine with this..we were never extremely active, both of us never had a really high sex drive...
Anyway, I feel like my husband has no empathy for me and what I am going through, no matter how many times I try to talk to him about it. He will turn it around and say I just ruined his morning and now he's in a bad mood. Here's an example:
I recently started working at home and in-doing so, naturally began to take on more of the housework. I had always done 80% of the housework anyway. Husband will wash dishes only when he feels like it which really frustrates me because I'm left wondering when he's going to feel like it! Lately he stopped doing any chores at all, except when it comes to keeping HIS things neat and tidy.
Not only do I work at home, I cook dinner every night, and clean the house almost every day, as well as laundry, cleaning the floors, etc. Husband comes home, has a nice meal waiting for him, and watches tv the rest of the night while eating snacks. In the morning, it really upsets me to come down to the kitchen and find a huge pile of dishes. We've agreed in the past, if I cook, he should wash the dishes, plain and simple. . Yet he will only wash them when he feels like it. I would say for the past week I've been doing the dishes at least 2x a day and was really at my wits end this morning. So I confronted him about it and he said he had a lot on his mind last night and didn't think about it. I explained to him AGAIN that I, too, have a lot on my mind, and that it would really help me out if he could take care of them at the end of the day since i have a million other chores to do, in addition to working, planning the dinner menu, entertaining the kids, etc. He dismissed my feelings and said "they're just dishes!" and "just throw them in the dishwasher!" to me, they are more than just dishes and signify more.
I got so frustrated that I ended up in tears. On his way out instead of showing remorse, he said HE was upset because I put him in a bad mood now and I shouldn't have cried, that there are "better ways to handle it". That confused me...I said, better way than to tell you how I feel? So he basically turned it around against me and said I ruined his day.
I just really feel crappy now. In the past I thought the nicer I am to him, if i make him a good breakfast and dinner (he LOVES food) and take care of him, he will really appreciate it and be more considerate of my feelings but it's not working. He will say "thank you" and "great dinner" and all that but they're just words. I can honestly say that I can't think of a selfless act he's done for me...When I really think about our relationship, he does not make me be a better person, which isn't that what your life partner should do? It seems that most of the time he is in his little world.
just wanted to rant more than anything, but any advice would be appreciated.
On the outside we have a great relationship. We have a lot of laughs and share the same interests. We both love our boys obviously. But on the inside, I feel like there should be more to marriage. We rarely have sex just because we are both so tired and I sleep with my boys most nights (a habit I've been trying to unsuccessfully break). Husband is fine with this..we were never extremely active, both of us never had a really high sex drive...
Anyway, I feel like my husband has no empathy for me and what I am going through, no matter how many times I try to talk to him about it. He will turn it around and say I just ruined his morning and now he's in a bad mood. Here's an example:
I recently started working at home and in-doing so, naturally began to take on more of the housework. I had always done 80% of the housework anyway. Husband will wash dishes only when he feels like it which really frustrates me because I'm left wondering when he's going to feel like it! Lately he stopped doing any chores at all, except when it comes to keeping HIS things neat and tidy.
Not only do I work at home, I cook dinner every night, and clean the house almost every day, as well as laundry, cleaning the floors, etc. Husband comes home, has a nice meal waiting for him, and watches tv the rest of the night while eating snacks. In the morning, it really upsets me to come down to the kitchen and find a huge pile of dishes. We've agreed in the past, if I cook, he should wash the dishes, plain and simple. . Yet he will only wash them when he feels like it. I would say for the past week I've been doing the dishes at least 2x a day and was really at my wits end this morning. So I confronted him about it and he said he had a lot on his mind last night and didn't think about it. I explained to him AGAIN that I, too, have a lot on my mind, and that it would really help me out if he could take care of them at the end of the day since i have a million other chores to do, in addition to working, planning the dinner menu, entertaining the kids, etc. He dismissed my feelings and said "they're just dishes!" and "just throw them in the dishwasher!" to me, they are more than just dishes and signify more.
I got so frustrated that I ended up in tears. On his way out instead of showing remorse, he said HE was upset because I put him in a bad mood now and I shouldn't have cried, that there are "better ways to handle it". That confused me...I said, better way than to tell you how I feel? So he basically turned it around against me and said I ruined his day.
I just really feel crappy now. In the past I thought the nicer I am to him, if i make him a good breakfast and dinner (he LOVES food) and take care of him, he will really appreciate it and be more considerate of my feelings but it's not working. He will say "thank you" and "great dinner" and all that but they're just words. I can honestly say that I can't think of a selfless act he's done for me...When I really think about our relationship, he does not make me be a better person, which isn't that what your life partner should do? It seems that most of the time he is in his little world.
just wanted to rant more than anything, but any advice would be appreciated.
-
My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Everything you described is absolutley positivley VALID. I agree with the way you've gone about it and see nothing wrong with wanting your partner in life to put your feelings before his from time to time.
In my opinion I believe you may require professional help... seek a counsellor perhaps to be the medium to your stresses and problems. When you feel such a big red flag like the constant unsupport from someone you want to please and love so much it begins to tear at your self esteem and resentment builds. That is a very unhealthy and toxic state of being that will eventually trinkle down to your children and create a new generation of uncertainty and low confidence.
By going with your gut and with what you've written above I'd say you are 100% in the right... don't allow your feelings to be distorted and start feeling like somehow it's your fault. Seek help so he can have a chance to fix it.
Good luck to you
Do only the house chores that you want to do, make dinner only if you really feel like making dinner. If you feel overworked. call out for pizza that night.
I don't think either partner should turn into a nag and try to dictate to the other partner. It's all about compromise.
I think when either person starts keeping score of "the work" that is being done ... "I did this and you just sat there" etc.. it's a bad thing.
1. I prioritize and let the rest go. It always makes the top of my priority list eventually. Part of this is making a list of MUST COMPLETE each day/week. Then another list of NICE IF COMPLETE list. I also map out my day...it's amazing how much more efficient I can be.
2. I hired a highschool girl to help me out one day a week about 6 months ago (it's been a Godsend; it's all day during the summer because I too work from home about 30 hours a week for my husband's family business and afterschool during the school year).
3. I prioritize my diabetes and poor immune system (health) because if I'm sick it does no one any good.
4. I realize (this one is sooooo hard sometimes) that my husband puts his business first and the family second. I accept it and when I no longer can accept it I will leave him (not before the kids are grown; I don't want to put them through that stress).
When I do the above things, it's amazing how much less irritated I am with him. Which in turn helps our marriage. Is it fair? Nope. Should I fight for more fairness? Probably. However, with a man like my husband (and it sounds like yours) it's not going to get me anywere. I chose this for better or worse. Good luck and hope you find some peace and what works for you.
You hate to play "that game", but maybe start withholding a little of these nice things you're constantly doing for him. Then, I think he'll be more appreciative, and will go the extra mile to do little things for you.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder!
Some people are just selfish. You can't change them or motivate them to change. You either accept them as they are or cut them out of your life. I feel fortunate to have him out of my life now. Much less stress and work. I even get to enjoy activities I have always wanted to try.
Maybe something to consider is both of you change the way you do things. Such as when you want your husband to do the dishes and he agrees to do them use that time to talk about how things are going for him at work. When it gets close to bedtime tuck your boys in and rather then sleep with them why not use some of that time to watch a movie with your hubby that you both enjoy or talk about your day and how things went for you.
Maybe even planning a date night once a week or so will give you both a chance to unwind and give you a chance to bring back some of that laughter and those common interest you both have. Sometimes I think couples fall into a rut where they tend to subtract a lot of things from their life rather then adding to it. We all tend to start to assume that our partners should automatically understand our feelings, wants and needs just because of routines and the length of time we spend together doing them.
Anyway rocking the boat a bit and adding new ways to make changes are always worth considering. I hope this helps a bit and that you and your husband can not only communicate with each other but also to make productive changes that can add to your lives making it a whole lot better. Wishing you both the very best:)
You want to be treated as a wife with a partner/husband, quit sleeping with the kids (yeah, they might cry for a couple of nights, but they will get over it). Tell him you need a husband and a partner, that you are not a housekeeper and cook. But if you want him as a husband/equal partner, you have to be a wife.
An open dialog would have fixed most of the issues... but I honestly don't see that as ever happening. Some people just don't see other peoples feelings, and cannot be "taught" to do so.
I would mirror everyone elses' advice about not doing so much for him, to get his attention. Also marriage counseling might help bridge the gap and get him to see your feelings better.
In many situations I have seen, only something like the shock of a separation or the thread of divorce wakes up the person and gets them out of their self centric shell.
I feel for you, and yes, all your points are very valid and you have a right to be heard, understood and appreciated. I wish you the best of luck!
What you describe is pretty normal for a lot of men. For the most part, they differ from women in that they are not at empathetic as us and have a different mindset about many things, including housework. It's like they live in a little bubble of their thoughts, and to get them to look outside the bubble, takes a lot of work (not a slam against men at all, just calling out some differences)
For instance, when you asked him to help out more, you were simply trying to get him to understand your position and help out, but for him, he may have heard a criticizing comment about HIM, And if there's one thing I'm familiar with, it's that a lot of men are VERY sensitive about feeling criticized (same as we are about feeling misunderstood). Men overall are very proud, and hate to be pulled in any direction, so to not only get what you need from him, as well as take care of his emotional needs, you need to do things carefully.
I've learned over all my research that the WAY you ask for help is incredibly important. Men have an internal need to feel NEEDED and appreciated. To be the hero. If you were to instead say " I am having am so overwhelmed with my housework, would you be able to help me with _____, it would make me so happy! " If you put the focus back on yourself, and less on him, you may have an easier path to get help. And make sure after he does ANYTHING you reinforce it with positivity. Men need to feel appreciated. NEVER nag, or put him down, that works against you.
Good luck!! :) And hugs!
If he will not go to counseling with you, then go by yourself. You need to find constructive ways for dealing with this situation. I very concerned that when you are upset, he seems to turn the problem on you. You need some information on how to deal with that when it happens.
I do agree with the others that you may need to do some thinking about priorities. Look at your day--is there something that can be cut out? For example, I use paper plates for a lot of my meals. That way I can just throw the plates away. Look at your day and see if you can figure out ways to work smarter, not harder. For example, what do you mean by "entertaining the kids"? Are they not old enough to do fun things for themselves?
Also, what do you mean by the dishes signify more than dishes? I don't get what you mean and your H may not either. Sometimes guys don't get worked up about the same things that women get worked up about. That may be why he made the comment that they are just dishes. He doesn't understand what you're getting at.
I am not trying to shift the blame here. I really think there is just a lack of communication between you that needs addressed. Get the counseling. I think it will help.
Hugs!~