Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I very recently had a difficult situation with a woman. We planned a date for an afternoon. She said she had something to do until 2 p.m., so I assumed we could meet by 2:30. However, I had also planned to go to a party with a friend of mine that night at around 9 or so. I figured that allowed plenty of time for a date.
2:30 came and went. She called later, saying she was running late, and adding that she'd talk to her friend and then call me back in 20 minutes. Another hour-and-a-half or so passed before she called me again. By this time, I was disappointed and annoyed. (She had kept me waiting for at least a couple hours on our previous date.)
She said she was now on her way. I told her that if she wanted to give me a call when she got close (she was maybe a 45-minute drive away), I could spend a little time with her, but that it wasn't as practical as before to get together or at least not for very long. I explained about my plans for later in the evening.
She asked me to repeat myself. I did. Then, her tone suddenly became sarcastic: Well, then, I think you should go and have fun with your friend tonight!, she said, her voice rising. That's great! Go and have a good time.
She started to say it again, and I hung up the phone. I don't accept sarcasm when I'm trying to connect with someone.
She tried calling again. And again. The second time, she left a voice-mail message. She said she was confused and annoyed.
It so happened that at that time, I had a lot of pain from other major issues in my life, and I couldn't take on and deal with her unhappiness then. I wrote her a text message, saying, "Was a misunderstanding. It's not a good time now, because I can't interact peacefully. I'm sorry; need some more time. I've got too much to deal with in my life..."
She replied that she was disappointed and that that's "not how you treat a woman." She ended by saying good luck with my situation.
To the women out there: When you feel upset about something that's happened with a guy (or a woman, if that's your preference), what is the best way that you could hear from him that he's not in a position to talk then but would be willing to later? What wording would cause you the least amount of hurt?
To the men out there: What have been your experience(s) in such a situation?
To the wise people out there...: In light of my commitment to non-violence [not just physically, but verbally, also], how did I do?
I am proud of my seeking a peaceful way forward in dealing with conflict. However, I still feel hurt...
2:30 came and went. She called later, saying she was running late, and adding that she'd talk to her friend and then call me back in 20 minutes. Another hour-and-a-half or so passed before she called me again. By this time, I was disappointed and annoyed. (She had kept me waiting for at least a couple hours on our previous date.)
She said she was now on her way. I told her that if she wanted to give me a call when she got close (she was maybe a 45-minute drive away), I could spend a little time with her, but that it wasn't as practical as before to get together or at least not for very long. I explained about my plans for later in the evening.
She asked me to repeat myself. I did. Then, her tone suddenly became sarcastic: Well, then, I think you should go and have fun with your friend tonight!, she said, her voice rising. That's great! Go and have a good time.
She started to say it again, and I hung up the phone. I don't accept sarcasm when I'm trying to connect with someone.
She tried calling again. And again. The second time, she left a voice-mail message. She said she was confused and annoyed.
It so happened that at that time, I had a lot of pain from other major issues in my life, and I couldn't take on and deal with her unhappiness then. I wrote her a text message, saying, "Was a misunderstanding. It's not a good time now, because I can't interact peacefully. I'm sorry; need some more time. I've got too much to deal with in my life..."
She replied that she was disappointed and that that's "not how you treat a woman." She ended by saying good luck with my situation.
To the women out there: When you feel upset about something that's happened with a guy (or a woman, if that's your preference), what is the best way that you could hear from him that he's not in a position to talk then but would be willing to later? What wording would cause you the least amount of hurt?
To the men out there: What have been your experience(s) in such a situation?
To the wise people out there...: In light of my commitment to non-violence [not just physically, but verbally, also], how did I do?
I am proud of my seeking a peaceful way forward in dealing with conflict. However, I still feel hurt...
To me I think open communication from both sides usually prevents a lot of misunderstandings. I also believe that it takes time for two people to get to know one another before there is a comfort zone in relaying their life story and issues. I think if someone wants to know something they should ask but I also believe they should respect one's wishes if the person is just not ready to talk about it yet.
What I do disagree with is if a man or woman is only going out on a date to have sex or a one night stand. I realize there are people who prefer this type of life style but I think it would be wise to make sure your date knows exactly what you want. I also do not think when two people first start dating that it should lead instantly to a committed relationship. To me all good things need a solid foundation and room to grow to find out where it will go.
Hopefully this helps you a bit.... as was previously mentioned I think the keeping you waiting was uncalled for as well.
As for the talking thing, the best advice I have been given is that since women like to talk it out, men like to retreat - so the best thing to do is to give it a time (ie. let's talk at 10) so the guy has his time to go off and be alone, but the woman still knows you will be coming back to try talk about things and not just let it fester indefinitely. As I woman, I can tell you that really does help.
I'm going to write her. As in, an actual letter. That I will mail :-).
I'll tell her I'm interested in getting together and talking, making it clear that I'm trying to understand what she was/is feeling.
Sadly... I'm NOT interested in having a romantic relationship with this girl, and I don't quite want a friendship, either. On the other hand, she's a very interesting person, and I'm learning... Sadly, there's also the sexual side of it. We have not had sex (I have never had sex and have been waiting for the right person, but that's another story). However, I've gotten in touch more with, for lack of a better way to say it, physicality.
I say "sadly" because I don't want a relationship to be based on something superficial, while I actually don't want to spend time with the person. No, no.
Also, I respect her... as I would anyone... in not wanting to take advantage of her for my sexual needs (even if that means things other than intercourse).
If you still want to give this girl a chance I would suggest giving this girl a call (forget the letter). Explain you were a little frustrated with her standing you up on 2 dates now (was it more?). Don't make a big deal about or get angry. Say you like her and would love to spend time with her but you need her to respect your time a little more.
Give her one more shot. If she plays the same game it's time to move on.