Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My SO may or may not of cheated on me. There is no solid proof it was more then cross the line flirting and he swears six ways to Sunday he didn't. Previously I never would of doubted him....but....well....things have changed.
Now I can't seem to let it go. I have become one of those women I used to find so pathetic. I'm still with him, but I find myself unable to let it go and forgive him. I have nightmares with her involved, he says things and suddenly my brain is going nuts and it's just harmless stuff. I check his Facebook neurotically and I creep her profile like a nut job. I hate what I have become!
A friend of mine told me that I shouldn't forgive him. That he should spend years earning forgiveness. But I think if that's the way we do it then what's the point of trying? It's been about six months since I found the messages. I had them saved to my phone but I found myself reading them non stop, looking for some hidden message, so I deleted them. Pathetic right? They are still on the computer and I am usually successful at not looking them up.
Our sex life has suffered. Sometimes when he want's sex all I can think about is what they might of done together and I don't want him to touch me. And he get's very angry. He doesn't understand why it's even still in my head. I don't understand why it's still so front and center in my head either!!
I want to work it out, but if you have something negative to say go for it. You can't say anything worse then what I have said to myself. I just need to find a way to get past this or I'm just sabotaging every ounce of work we put in to our relationship.
Now I can't seem to let it go. I have become one of those women I used to find so pathetic. I'm still with him, but I find myself unable to let it go and forgive him. I have nightmares with her involved, he says things and suddenly my brain is going nuts and it's just harmless stuff. I check his Facebook neurotically and I creep her profile like a nut job. I hate what I have become!
A friend of mine told me that I shouldn't forgive him. That he should spend years earning forgiveness. But I think if that's the way we do it then what's the point of trying? It's been about six months since I found the messages. I had them saved to my phone but I found myself reading them non stop, looking for some hidden message, so I deleted them. Pathetic right? They are still on the computer and I am usually successful at not looking them up.
Our sex life has suffered. Sometimes when he want's sex all I can think about is what they might of done together and I don't want him to touch me. And he get's very angry. He doesn't understand why it's even still in my head. I don't understand why it's still so front and center in my head either!!
I want to work it out, but if you have something negative to say go for it. You can't say anything worse then what I have said to myself. I just need to find a way to get past this or I'm just sabotaging every ounce of work we put in to our relationship.
I think part of this situation is that you have messages, which prove there's "something" not OK about what he did. The extent of it you don't know, but you DO know that something is amiss. It is a terrible spot to be in when you feel that you are being lied to, or given half-truths about something.
I know, when this happened to me many years ago in my former marriage, I ended up being right about my suspicions. As the dust settled, I found myself more upset and betrayed by the hiding and lying of the entire thing. But, every case is different.
It is a tough spot to be in, for sure. I don't think you are pathetic....I think you are trying to make sense of a situation that is clearly "off", and your SO is road blocking you.
I don't know how to answer your question about forgiveness, but all I can say is, I have been where you are, and I know it's a terrible place to be.
Wishing you strength....
You are NOT pathetic.
I hope he is receptive to your feelings. I don't like the.. " He doesn't understand why it's even still in my head"
I would be willing to place a bet that if he found a text on your phone like the one you found on his, he would still be thinking about it. I hope he will realize how much he hurt you. Don't let him hurt you further by making you think something is wrong with your feelings.
If I'm remembering correctly the two of you have a daughter. How would he advise her ( when she grows up ) if her man did the same thing to her that he did to you? Lay that one on him to allow him to see it from a different perspective.
As for forgiveness. I feel it would be possible if I felt he was really sorry for what he had done and able to admit he made a mistake. Also if he understood the feelings that led him to the mistake and learning to take a different course of action when faced with those feelings in the future.
Now this bullshit with another woman.
The million dollar question is : what are we doing wrong that the person we are with has the nerve to treat us this way?
Whatever is wrong needs to be fixed somehow, otherwise you will not be able to forgive him. He is not giving you any reasons to let go.
The money has gotten better. Way better actually. Almost like it stopped as quick as it started so....no idea what happened there. I did talk to him but I dont know if thats what did it or not.
He is kind, loving, an amazing father, a good provider and I love his sense of humour. He is usually great in bed haha. But all you guys will ever hear is the bad. I know he can be an asshole...he knows he can be! And thats part of his personality. He can be brash, insensitive, egotistical and self centred. But I can be too.
Its been 9 years next month for us. I am sticking around for a good reason :).
We do have fun, and it's easier not to think about it at those times. But I'm an insomniac and when he's sleeping beside me and I'm staring at the ceiling for three hours then there is plenty of down time to have it invade my brain. Or the fact that he works all day....WITH HER....and I'm at home running a day home that leaves me plenty of time to think about it. And no, he can't quit his job, that isn't an option fiscally or really a good option at all.
That right there will tell you what sort of person with which you're dealing. He can be fun and funny and earn a good living till the cows come home, but if he isn't treating you the way he would want his and your child to be treated ( emotionally not just material) you are in for a long sad ride.
My stbx still whole heartedly believes that meeting, texting, planning trips with his "friend" is perfectly OK and that he has done nothing wrong. Which I'm sure she has told her husband as well.
I felt I've compromised on things that I wanted in life because he didn't like them, but he feels that he has just done without. If you are done, it is best to move on and don't make the other think there is any hope when there isn't.
Each time something comes up, you fall back on your inability to trust that person, and things go downhill from there, and you get blamed for 'not getting over it' (gosh I hate those words), if you so dare to mention it, or how it triggers you, down the road.
I think you need to see the evidence, that it was only what he says it was, and to be able to ascertain why he had the need to do it. Ask to see everything you need to see and know: texting logs, phone logs, email accounts, etc. Never feel like a "nut job", you are, and I'm going to use this word, 'entitled', to know everything.
Only then can you give yourself a realistic expectation of forgiving him and moving on.
And btw, how are those windows coming along? ;o)