Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi all,
I used to come to these boards quite a bit, but I've been busy with life and work lately, and haven't found the time. However, I am back, and in need of some advice.
In the three years since I ended my 7 year relationship, after dates with countless guys, I have met only two that I have been remotely interested in. All the people I have been out with have been nice, but I don't find them interesting in the slightest. I feel bad saying that, but it's true.
One of the guys I was interested in turned into a very intense, very brief relationship that blew up in my face. That ended a year and a half ago. I was really embarrassed how I acted afterward (I begged, and literally cried on his doorstep for him not to break up with me). I still cringe when I think about it.
I am very, VERY impulsive. If I fall for someone, I lose myself in it. That's what happened with that guy. It took me a while, but I have learned to control my actions when it comes to that sort of negative, clingy behavior. However, I can't seem to control my thoughts.
The second guy is what leads me to this post. A month ago, I started up an email friendship with someone I haven't seen in five years. We used to run in the same circle when I lived in his hometown (I now live 500 miles away). We have kind of clicked and have both expressed interest in seeing where it might go (I have to go back to his town in a few weeks, and we're going to meet up and see each other for a few days), with the knowledge that geography may hinder things entirely. The thing is, I can't stop romanticizing all of this in my head. I have a very specific type that I'm attracted to: creative, artsy, musically-inclined, a little on the rebellious side, intelligent, with a good heart. I know he is all of those things, and I can't stop myself from becoming wrapped up in the excitement of the 'coulds' and 'what ifs.' The only thing I can stop myself from doing is expressing it to him, like I did the last guy I dated (who I did a good job of scaring off). I have so far kept my promise to myself in that regard, at least.
No matter what I try, I cannot control my thoughts. I am not religious, and can't afford the ridiculous prices of counseling, but I have considered maybe going to a meditation group. My mind runs 24/7, not just about this, but everything. Work, health, the next five years, etc. My parents are the same way, I know I inherited it. My dad is miserable. He hasn't slept more than two hours at a time in over 20 years because he can't stop thinking. I am also a worst case scenario person. Like the movie says, I can't just 'Let it Go.'
I also find it worth noting that I do not crave affection or just 'someone.' When I'm by myself and don't have anyone I'm truly interested in (as it has been for the better part of the last three years), I am completely content. I have good friends around me, a good job, and varied interests. I acknowledge I want a relationship with the right person, but I don't have any envy seeing my friends get married or meeting someone special. It's only when I meet a person I feel has the potential to be special to me do I feel they are filling a void of some kind. Otherwise, I don't feel the void at all.
Does anyone out there understand what I'm going through? Any coping mechanisms I should try? I have truly thought about calling off even meeting up with him because I am pretty sure we are going to hit it off, but I'll have to leave just days afterward. I don't want to feel that sadness. On the other hand, I might be passing up an opportunity that hasn't come along but twice in the past three years for me. Regardless, I just want to know how to basically disconnect my emotions a little bit, and stop my heart/head from ruining something before it even has a chance to get going.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Please be gentle... :)
I used to come to these boards quite a bit, but I've been busy with life and work lately, and haven't found the time. However, I am back, and in need of some advice.
In the three years since I ended my 7 year relationship, after dates with countless guys, I have met only two that I have been remotely interested in. All the people I have been out with have been nice, but I don't find them interesting in the slightest. I feel bad saying that, but it's true.
One of the guys I was interested in turned into a very intense, very brief relationship that blew up in my face. That ended a year and a half ago. I was really embarrassed how I acted afterward (I begged, and literally cried on his doorstep for him not to break up with me). I still cringe when I think about it.
I am very, VERY impulsive. If I fall for someone, I lose myself in it. That's what happened with that guy. It took me a while, but I have learned to control my actions when it comes to that sort of negative, clingy behavior. However, I can't seem to control my thoughts.
The second guy is what leads me to this post. A month ago, I started up an email friendship with someone I haven't seen in five years. We used to run in the same circle when I lived in his hometown (I now live 500 miles away). We have kind of clicked and have both expressed interest in seeing where it might go (I have to go back to his town in a few weeks, and we're going to meet up and see each other for a few days), with the knowledge that geography may hinder things entirely. The thing is, I can't stop romanticizing all of this in my head. I have a very specific type that I'm attracted to: creative, artsy, musically-inclined, a little on the rebellious side, intelligent, with a good heart. I know he is all of those things, and I can't stop myself from becoming wrapped up in the excitement of the 'coulds' and 'what ifs.' The only thing I can stop myself from doing is expressing it to him, like I did the last guy I dated (who I did a good job of scaring off). I have so far kept my promise to myself in that regard, at least.
No matter what I try, I cannot control my thoughts. I am not religious, and can't afford the ridiculous prices of counseling, but I have considered maybe going to a meditation group. My mind runs 24/7, not just about this, but everything. Work, health, the next five years, etc. My parents are the same way, I know I inherited it. My dad is miserable. He hasn't slept more than two hours at a time in over 20 years because he can't stop thinking. I am also a worst case scenario person. Like the movie says, I can't just 'Let it Go.'
I also find it worth noting that I do not crave affection or just 'someone.' When I'm by myself and don't have anyone I'm truly interested in (as it has been for the better part of the last three years), I am completely content. I have good friends around me, a good job, and varied interests. I acknowledge I want a relationship with the right person, but I don't have any envy seeing my friends get married or meeting someone special. It's only when I meet a person I feel has the potential to be special to me do I feel they are filling a void of some kind. Otherwise, I don't feel the void at all.
Does anyone out there understand what I'm going through? Any coping mechanisms I should try? I have truly thought about calling off even meeting up with him because I am pretty sure we are going to hit it off, but I'll have to leave just days afterward. I don't want to feel that sadness. On the other hand, I might be passing up an opportunity that hasn't come along but twice in the past three years for me. Regardless, I just want to know how to basically disconnect my emotions a little bit, and stop my heart/head from ruining something before it even has a chance to get going.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Please be gentle... :)
I have some of the tendencies you described, not necessarily about dating, but when my mind gets "on" something, I tend to just ruminate on it for days at a time.
I've found some meditation videos on YouTube I like. That, and/or doing pilates or yoga DVDs in my living room alone seem to help me at times, when I make the time to do them
:)
I am diagnosed with OCD. Mine is all mental. I take medication for it.
Perhaps you can talk to your Dr.
I also think the meditation will be a really good thing for you.
Part of the problem is that you are young and have not had many relationships. I think any of us will admit we had our list of attributes we were looking for in a person and then when we met that ideal, had trouble letting go when it just was not a match.
Maybe in the back of your mind, once you find this "person" you think, will I ever meet someone with all these ideal traits again? IDK, it is a guess on my part. It is tough to tell you something like, "JOURNAL" or "Find an activity you like and focus on that..." because I don't know you that well and maybe your anxiety is something you will have the rest of your life.
I used to be like you but after several heart breaks and a painful divorce, I've learned to unplug and focus just on me. There are times I start to get anxious about someone I like but I know it will pass and I will be fine.
OTM might be right - go see your doctor, describe what you are feeling and see what the doctor recommends.
I wish you luck.
The problem with dating now days is most people start getting to know the person and then bam, skip all the way to step 5 overlooking the in between steps. By then you're hooked physically so the steps don't really matter. It is a proven fact that it takes about 90 days for the red flags to start popping up in relationships, (at that point, people are starting to be their true selves and letting their guards down) that is where the steps come in but by then you just over look them because "you're in love or lust by then" It may sound silly to some and 90 days seems like a long time but honestly it does go fast and I'm definitely keeping my eyes opened this time around. Looking back I can see the red flags I missed in my past relationships because I wasn't aware of them and I was probably already in lust with those men. Take it or leave it, but that is what I'm doing this time around. It's actually given me some comfort knowing I don't have to rush into anything that is not comfortable to me.
Bottom line, don't rush anything, take your time, get to really know the people you date, learn about their past relationships and hardest for me is to recognize that I am worth more than how my two husbands treated me. And don't settle. Just have fun and try and relax, don't look down the road too far, just take it a date at a time and definitely don't let them pressure you for anything!!!!!!!!!! Anyone who pressures you would be a huge red flag to me. Just saying.
You are young, just be careful in who and how you date. There are worse things in life then being alone but I understand your desire to have someone. I know counseling is expensive so if you can't go that route, I think there is tons of support and advice on this site as well as some self help books out there. Also I find journaling very helpful, here or a personal one.
I am so glad you posted, know we are here for you.
Just know that WE are awesome and one day someone will think that way about us too!
I would go one step further and recommend what my friend Gina and I call, "The Man School." It taught me a lot about men and women and how they approach things differently. I apply what I've learned in both my personal and professional life.
www.understandmen.com
I like what Star Wars and Indiana Jones movie creator George Lucas said regarding the difference betweenjoy and pleasure. Pleasure may be more intense, but it's also short-lived. Joy may not be as intense, but it does a slow burn over the long haul. The man's in his 70s and has obviously experienced his fair share of both joy and pleasure. Making movies and watching the grosses come in after brings him pleasure. Raising his kids and watching them grow up brings him joy.