Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Sitting around talking with some friends the other day when this came up. Ever since then its been kinda of in and out of my mind. Not sure what I would do in this situation and was just curious what others thought. The other 2 people there had opposite views on it. I am 38 and she is around my age. She has been dating her BF now for about 8 months. They see each other 2x a week and are only seeing each other. They both say I love you. She wants him to move in with her and them start a life together. He says its to soon for him and he is not really sure he is ready to give up his freedom. Now the way I understand it he is not saying never just not right now. He says he wants all the things she wants eventually but is not at that place with her right now and honestly can not tell her when he might be. The way she feels is she isn't young anymore and still would like another child. She does not want a repeat of her last relationship where he led her on for over a year 1/2 knowing he never wanted what she did. She is torn between giving this guy more time because she really does love him or cutting her losses now and trying to find someone new. The two opposing opinions was 8 months is really not a long time and if she loved him to give him at least a year before giving up on him. They asked her are you really in love with him or this idea of the happy family in your head. She said both. She loved him but knew what she wanted ultimately and if he could/would not give it to her maybe she should move on. Other opinion was at 8 months a guy knows whether or not he wants to a real future with you and if he is saying he doesn't want to give up his freedom at this moment it actually means never and she should cut her losses. The arguments from both sides made sense to me. Me being OCD I cannot seem to stop thinking about it so I thought I would see what others thought or situations they might have been in. If you wanted to move forward at 8 month and they did not would you give them more time and if so how much? In your experience do you have any warning signs that no matter how much you love the other person and they love you they are not going to commit in a way you need. I think in this situation age is playing a big role because she wants a child still.
It is really hard to say when a couple should be ready to make the leap. She clearly wants to settle down and is ready and he probably isn't. If she really loves this guy she has to wait I suppose but also she may wait for something that will never happen.
So all in all it really does depend more on underlining issues, deal breakers for him and her and everything in between. I'd say if this conversation was more into a years time as opposed to 8 months then it'd be a little bit more worrysome ... but that's just my take on it.
Plus they only see each other 2 times a week.
Give it another year.
I know personally for me I would not wait 2 years for moving in but that is just me and every situation is different. Guy I am with we have discussed it and were going to in a few months but now its more of a lets see kind of thing. We both kind of like the idea but at the same time are not at the comfort zone. For me if after a year I did not see it any closer I would cut my losses. Not that I dont love him its just not what I want in the long run. I was married to an amazing man until his death in 2006. With us he was asking me to marry him in the first 3 months. I was with that man since I was 15. My parents had the same thing. So for me that's the kind of relationship I want and I feel if you do not know within the first year then you should say good bye and find someone who you can find that with. However everyone is wired different. My advice was to figure out what was more important to her. She has a plan in her mind of what she wants. If that is what she positively wants then she needs to find a man that also likes that plan and fits into it in which case she might need to consider he is not right for her. On the other hand if its him she wants a future with and loves then she needs to accept that his wants are not exactly the same as hers at the moment(and might not be for that matter) and can she accept her plans might have to change.
A person can know what they want and still wait for it; that's a sign of maturity. The Now-or-never strategy is not the best, in my experience. Dating is one thing, living together is a completely different matter. Even if people are serious, they still have to get to know each other and learn to adapt to each other's quirks.
The fact that she's 38 and wants kids is obviously a big part of where the time-urgency comes in. She has a short time left to safely have kids. This is a tough one; on the one hand, she doesn't want to miss out, and on the other, bringing a kid into a hastily-driven relationship isn't really a good thing.
If he really doesn't want to give up his freedom (if that's how he puts it) is that anyone she wants to have kids with? How will he feel about a crying baby, doctor bills, etc etc. This isn't sounding promising in that context.
That's what I love about online dating; you can put that stuff right up front, and if people aren't looking for the same thing, you pass 'em by because why cause each other needless agony? No rejection, no loss.
it really depends on a lot. like the reason why they only see each other twice a week. how they spend their time. what types of conversations -- deep or surface. how old is he, btw?
but...i think they should both cut their losses now. she wants another child and is clearly willing to let him go if he's not ready right this minute/soon. and no one should be pressured or made to choose between having a kid or being kicked to the curb.
this way, if they separate, maybe she'll realize that having another child isn't worth losing him...or maybe he'll see that she means more to him than what he thought and give him a little boost to fully commit?
idk...maybe.