In my opinion it's really the actions that speak louder than words. The partner who has done wrong must work above and beyond the expectations of the victim. They must show in their own way that they are deserving of another chance. That they show re-dedication and re-commitment to the relationship like never before. Then and only then will they EARN the trust they had stripped the person of with their actions. I'm talking about extreme sensitivity and empathy to the person hurt. Not even looking or implying interest in anyone else, etc.

The person who has been hurt can only feel trust again once the person goes above and beyond to earn it. If not only resentment and low self esteem will plant their seeds in the hurt that still reignites in the relationship that once was.

People need time to heal, and during that time the work of regret and love from the person who made the mistake has to be present day after day after day.

Thanks Rosebud, What you said makes a lot of sense.

I am struggling with this as well, I am seeing improvements in the way she is communicating, but it is mostly through texting because she works away from home. She asked me to do something on her computer that she was cleaning up to sell to a family member and when I opened up the web browser it went straight to her Facebook page. I was in a moral dilemma, do I look into it? do I search her messages? I thought to myself how would I feel if I found something I didn't want to see, should I let the past affect my future? I came to the conclusion that If I am going to trust her again that I need to stop looking for reasons not to. Reasons that I have looked for before to justify my mistrust. I logged out the page and I don't know the password to get back in. If I am going to trust her then I need to TRUST her.

Your welcome.

Remember we teach people how to treat us. If we forgive without it being sincere in our hearts we are shortchanging ourselves and the relationship that could be. When you decide to move on you must feel at least 60 - 70% better/reassured and feel that your partner is going to put in the work to show you they are committed and hurting you again is the worst thing they themselves could have endured. Feelings of resentment, paranoid feelings, and low confidence in the person will continue to cloud around even after we've decided to forgive the person. Their commitment and actions in showing you that they are only interested in showing you that they are trustworthy once again is the only way those feelings will dissipated.

Many hugs to you all.. I know it's a confusing time. It IS possible, however that's up to the person who made the mistake to take the first steps, and then for you to join in with them when they've shown their commitment once again.

LSUsLuck, I read your post. That is a tricky situation. It sounds you and your boyfriend need to sit down and have a long talk. I think your relationship is salvageable if both of you are honest with each other. It is up to you though. I wish you luck!

There is a whole school on how to do it on the Infdelity board.
Many, many rules...
I just know that the cheater needs to do everything he can to make you feel secure, and if he isn't sure he will ask you over and over how to make it so.
The root of the cause needs to be clear .
Complete transparency.
Can't be angry at the Cheater forever otherwise it becomes a lifestyle.
Usually of thigs are not progressing at 6 months, maybe it is time to separate.
There is much more but each situation is individual .

How are things going now LSUsLuck?

I don't think it ever really CAN be, but this might be an issue to discuss with your pastor, priest, rabbi or shayman if you're religious. They always say "all things are possible, with God's help". If people really do repent, for their "sins", their transgressions, and really do work on changing their ways, there may be hope, and trust may be restored...but still always gotta keep an eye on 'em.

" Trust may be restored.....but always gotta keep an eye on 'em"

If feeling the need to always keep an eye on them, then is the trust really restored?

Whether I could fully trust again or not, I don't know. Besides high school so-called "relationships", I've never been in an adult relationship where I had reason to lose my trust in a partner. If I found I couldn't completely trust again, if I felt I always had to keep my eye on a partner then I wouldn't stay in the relationship. For me it has to be 100% mutual trust, no doubts, no questions, no wondering by either partner. If there's not 100% mutual trust, there's no relationship for me.

BMB

there are some really good books available about restoring trust after an affair

i havent read any of them but i've seen other people on the infidelity forum rave about them