Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Is anyone out there married or in a relationship with someone who more often than not leans towards negativity? And if so how do you keep from sliding into it as well? How can we help and encourage our partners?
Now don't get me wrong, this was also me for the majority of my life. I've dealt with depression, low self-esteem, self-deprecation and more for as long as I can remember. But I'm finally ready to be done. I'm over it. For years and years I've wanted to be happy and have come to the conclusion that it's time; I'm ready to accept all the good things in my life and know that I deserve happiness and so does my family.
My husband can be very full of life and laughter and hope. But it's seems rarer and rarer these days. I get how he feels...stuck in the past and things that could or should have been. Stuck in the daily mundane routine, feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Depressed. But I have been there too long, with no change in life coming from it to have any use for it anymore.
I want to help him like I'm trying to help myself. But he is stubborn just as I am, very hard to convince otherwise. When I suggest feeling gratitude for all he has will help, he argues that he doesn't need to, that he built all the things he has around him for himself. That I am the one that should be grateful ( I am).
I know he has a lot of pressure on him. He has all the financial responsibility on his shoulders ( he works full time, I stay at home with the kids). He also works at a job he dislikes but feels invested and stuck there. he feels disconnected with his family (mom, dad, sisters) from past experiences and often thinks that we (the kids and I) do not value or respect him.
I think a lot of the time we feed off each others negativity. When he's in a bad mood I can't help but let it bring me down as well, feeling partially to blame for his unhappiness and I'm sure he feels the same way a lot of the time. When we argue it's always the same things, he always feels I'm ungrateful, that he is the king of the castle and the reason this family has what we have.
I am planning to try harder to help him feel appreciated. But I know there only so much I can do and that a lot of it is up to himself, to feel self worth.
I have to admit, this is a new thing for me to be accepting a new positive way of thinking, so this may all be a premature question. I know I have to continually work on myself and the way I think and feel. So hopefully as I continue this I will begin to see changes around me.
Thanks for anyone reading this and allowing me to babble.
All thoughts and opinions are appreciate!
Now don't get me wrong, this was also me for the majority of my life. I've dealt with depression, low self-esteem, self-deprecation and more for as long as I can remember. But I'm finally ready to be done. I'm over it. For years and years I've wanted to be happy and have come to the conclusion that it's time; I'm ready to accept all the good things in my life and know that I deserve happiness and so does my family.
My husband can be very full of life and laughter and hope. But it's seems rarer and rarer these days. I get how he feels...stuck in the past and things that could or should have been. Stuck in the daily mundane routine, feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Depressed. But I have been there too long, with no change in life coming from it to have any use for it anymore.
I want to help him like I'm trying to help myself. But he is stubborn just as I am, very hard to convince otherwise. When I suggest feeling gratitude for all he has will help, he argues that he doesn't need to, that he built all the things he has around him for himself. That I am the one that should be grateful ( I am).
I know he has a lot of pressure on him. He has all the financial responsibility on his shoulders ( he works full time, I stay at home with the kids). He also works at a job he dislikes but feels invested and stuck there. he feels disconnected with his family (mom, dad, sisters) from past experiences and often thinks that we (the kids and I) do not value or respect him.
I think a lot of the time we feed off each others negativity. When he's in a bad mood I can't help but let it bring me down as well, feeling partially to blame for his unhappiness and I'm sure he feels the same way a lot of the time. When we argue it's always the same things, he always feels I'm ungrateful, that he is the king of the castle and the reason this family has what we have.
I am planning to try harder to help him feel appreciated. But I know there only so much I can do and that a lot of it is up to himself, to feel self worth.
I have to admit, this is a new thing for me to be accepting a new positive way of thinking, so this may all be a premature question. I know I have to continually work on myself and the way I think and feel. So hopefully as I continue this I will begin to see changes around me.
Thanks for anyone reading this and allowing me to babble.
All thoughts and opinions are appreciate!
Quietstorm17
Based on somebody else's advice, I purchased the book "Why mars and venus collide" by Doctor John Gray. It talks about ways to improve your relationship but most importantly (in my case and maybe yours) is the understanding of how men and women deal with stress differently. This book helped me SO MUCH. It helped me understand ways to help my partner be less stressed. It seems you already have opinions as to why your partner is negative all the time and I agree, he has a lot on his shoulders and if he doesn't feel respected, well damn, If I was in his shoes I know I would be pretty miserable. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to help our partner, maybe letting him me in his negativity alone will help. Try to keep yourself from falling into because believe me, it will make him feel worse and in turn, affect you both. I really hope you can check that book out, I believe it can help you stay positive,and better yourself and relationship. Best of luck.
Rivasllene
Thank you!!!
koolman
Even though you're married, his negativity is his. We all need to blow off steam, but chronic bitching, as you said, wears you down, and you don't want to listen to it day and night. Tell him if he begins venting for more than 10 mins., you're going to leave the room and will come back when he has nicer things to say.
koolman
Even though you're married and occupy the same house, you're still two individuals, and it's that individuality that provides a spark to the relationship. His spark may be a barely burning brown cynder, almost totally burnt out, but you'd like yours to be zapping brightly, even if it means the two of you clash!
deleted_user
I feel for you. I never knew how pessimistic my husband was until our 5 year anniversary. Now his negative attitude is a hot topic during our therapy sessions. I am working to learn to deflect his pouting and downer moments. There's something inside him that is making him this way. He can not go an hour without a complaint. I've been trying everything to make him happy. I let him get whatever "toy" he wants, I compliment him constantly, I've walked on eggshells and avoided arguments just to keep his mood up, but found that this is no way to live. He needs to want to change. I'm reading a book called The Secret. I keep positive people around me (have to keep him unless we divorce lol) and it is helping. You have to try and not let their bad attitudes bring us down. It's a form of emotional abuse. In time hopefully things get better. Our therapist has really helped. Dont lose hope and good luck.
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