Healthy Relationships Support Group
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SO I have posted on here a few times about my H's behaviour which makes me so sad / confused / angry/ etc
( the silly buyI'm furious post)
we have been married two years now.
I remember when we met I said to him, wow , whats with the controlling thing?! He replied, well Im not like that, but if no one else takes the lead Im happy to.
well two years later he hasn't slackened off on his grip, in fact its even more suffocating.
Now I love this guy and I should have such a great life but Im churning inside most of the time.
He has to control everything! EVERYTHING. Even this morning as he went off to work he told me to 'go and look after your daughter' as I was seeing him off. Now for one she is 13, second, I don't need to be told by anyone how/when to take care of her! It makes me feel as if he thinks I am incapable.
He does things like this all the time. He takes over. Even when people don't want him to he does. He tried to get my elder daughter (17) to let him go and buy her some new shoes. She doesn't want any! but he insists so much. It causes friction with everyone. He told everyone to eat sweetcorn yesterday before their BBQ dinner.he insisted, he brought it round to each person. But they didn't want to!! it was so awkward.
its in everything. He's the guy who sold my car while I was out. Insists I don't work for anyone but him, and be available for him at all times! He criticises everything I do in a subtle way saying I should have done it this way. he is a 'his way or no way guy'
I don't know what to do with him.
He denys all this of course.
My kids can't stand to be around him as it causes so much unease, they don't like him being 'helpful' and find his insulting comments to me upsetting.
So if I have a chat with him, what do I say?!
Is there any point?
ANyone any experience of men like this.
( he is self-employed swimming teacher, has his own school, ex-policeman, has 3 ex-wives!)
any ideas, or is it a lost cause.
I just wish he would just relax a bit?!
( the silly buyI'm furious post)
we have been married two years now.
I remember when we met I said to him, wow , whats with the controlling thing?! He replied, well Im not like that, but if no one else takes the lead Im happy to.
well two years later he hasn't slackened off on his grip, in fact its even more suffocating.
Now I love this guy and I should have such a great life but Im churning inside most of the time.
He has to control everything! EVERYTHING. Even this morning as he went off to work he told me to 'go and look after your daughter' as I was seeing him off. Now for one she is 13, second, I don't need to be told by anyone how/when to take care of her! It makes me feel as if he thinks I am incapable.
He does things like this all the time. He takes over. Even when people don't want him to he does. He tried to get my elder daughter (17) to let him go and buy her some new shoes. She doesn't want any! but he insists so much. It causes friction with everyone. He told everyone to eat sweetcorn yesterday before their BBQ dinner.he insisted, he brought it round to each person. But they didn't want to!! it was so awkward.
its in everything. He's the guy who sold my car while I was out. Insists I don't work for anyone but him, and be available for him at all times! He criticises everything I do in a subtle way saying I should have done it this way. he is a 'his way or no way guy'
I don't know what to do with him.
He denys all this of course.
My kids can't stand to be around him as it causes so much unease, they don't like him being 'helpful' and find his insulting comments to me upsetting.
So if I have a chat with him, what do I say?!
Is there any point?
ANyone any experience of men like this.
( he is self-employed swimming teacher, has his own school, ex-policeman, has 3 ex-wives!)
any ideas, or is it a lost cause.
I just wish he would just relax a bit?!
Ugh!
I doubt that is going to change either.
Get out!
Its like he says, would you like a cup of tea?( although this has probably been said twice in two years!) if I said no thanks, he would make me one anyway as HE wanted me to have one and thought I should.
He even bought his parents a dog as he thought it 'would be good for them to get out more' I tried to discuss with him why I felt this was arrogant and that they should make that decision for themselvesbut he looked at me like I had a hole in my head.he didn't understand my point. To him, he was right and that was that. I am the weird one.
I know this is all going to implode some day soon but I really want to try with my marriage.
x
x
You have to plan for you and your daughters and currently you aren't in a good position. Being controlling is bad enough but being a repeat cheater is scary, what if he does leave for some one else, what will you do.
I try and save what I can. I have a little box of cash which I give to my mum to keep for me when it gets full. He pulled a stunt on me after Xmas saying I had spent too much over Xmas and had to pay him back.now to me that was weird behaviour as he had given me his credit card and told me to 'sort out what we need for xmas'. which I did. He said I owed this money to him and had to pay it back. THis made me so angry, so I said to him I had taken steps to get the money for him.he then said ' why on earth did you do that?!!!' so I kept the cash but he kicked off so much the next month that I hadn't paid it off the credit card that I just gave it to him. I didn't want him to have a reason to shout at me or throw this back in my face, he's always saying I am terrible with money. I actually am no such thing. He doesn't let me have any access to 'our' money, its definitely his. He gives me cash when he feels like it and I put some away out of that. I also get a salary from his company as I work for them about 20 hours plus a week. He tells me what to spend this on. He says if he ever finds out I have run up any debts then he will leave me.or throw me out! but says he loves me so much in the next breath. I spend my whole time wondering who I am with.
I need a plan, all I can do at the moment is save. When I get a car I can see about getting a job.
anyway.
I looked up that book, it gets mixed reviews on Amazon. I have downloaded to my kindle ( so he can't see what I am reading!) a book called Living with the Dominator.
I try and see the good in people, but this is a challenge with him.
I know he means well, too well.
x