Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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attnrose 04/03/2017

Hi Everyone,

My boyfriend told me that his ex-girlfriend, who he has a 5 yr old daughter with (and sees one overnight a week) , wants to stop by his new house to check things for their daughter. I was surprised and in all honesty upset about it, not understanding or having ever heard of an ex inspecting their ex's houses. So, I questioned it and we went back and forth about it last night, and finally I understood when he said if he didn't abide by her wishes, she could get it done through the courts, which could also result in him not seeing his daughter for 6 months (court process etc I'm guessing).

Even though I said I understand about it better now, my main reasoning for being upset about it (in addition to simply not wanting her there), is that he also texts her pics of their daughter from their visits etc, and texts her at times otherwise - pertaining to their daughter, and once that I know about a joke about a father and daughter - and to me also in ways unnecessary (i.e. "I can't wait to have such and such dessert, with...[their daughter]" while he was shopping last week). And his ex-wife is still in the picture as well, who he lived with strickly as a business arrangement (bought and sold a house together etc), then last year spent Christmas with because of their kids together, and we were only together about 6 months at the time, and who he confides to or gets advice from at times. He knows that he has to set better boundaries with his ex-wife, but feels I owe him an apology for being upset last night about his ex-girlfriend visiting his home (before I knew the situation fully). I just want my feelings to be acknowledged in all of this but he doesn't seem to get that.

I think I've been patient and understanding with his situations with his ex's, but am still somewhat bothered by it all. I get that it can be tricky with kids, as I have one of my own, and here's yet another woman (my ex's girlfriend) constantly trying to cause turmoil with my daughter's visits with her dad, and now between him and I with child support, to the point where we have to go to court now, after 10 years of working fine together. So, dealing with my ex's girlfriend trying to make my life difficult, and now my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend (who he also thinks would be interested if he was) wanting to visit his house, and ex-wife still in the picture (other than co-parenting)...it all gets to be a bit much after a while. I know I can trust him, as I've had much reason to trust him and he has reassured me it has nothing to do with attraction in either situations. With the ex-girlfriend he's trying to build her trust so he can see his daughter more etc.

As understanding as I'm trying to be with him and his situations, I don't feel he's understanding about my feelings and says I'm being insecure and immature, which is very far from the person that I am. Has anyone experienced an ex visiting your partners home to inspect things for the child you share before? And any feedback about this in general would be appreciated as I don't know whether this is hormones or a genuine concern to be feeling the way I am about all of this.

Thanks.

Aronia 04/03/2017

Ugh I am dealing with the same issue. Ex is in the picture way too much.
My exH and I have a very healthy relationship and we actually invite each other over so we have no anxiety over where the children are living and with whom.
We also rarely hang out together because I have no interest to spend time with him. We have our problems resolved.
In your situation as in mine with my bf, clearly there are some trust issues going on and unfinished business.
I basically decided that I can't MAKE my man do anything no matter how I feel about it. I can make my feelings known, which I did, but it doesn't solve anything , only ruins our time together.
I either have to accept it or move on. I suggest the same for you. Whatever they have to do to keep peace between them, then this is what has to happen.
My kids are teenagers and I tell you what - if we didn't work as hard as we did to make it peaceful, our kids would be acting out so badly that I would have zero personal life.
My son made it through without any serious problems, he had to go on meds for anxiety for a year. He is 18. Now he is off the meds and doing fine - no drugs, good student, going to college.
My daughter is 13 and she is a lot more dramatic and sensitive and I still have to take her to therapy and deal with her mood swings .
Your bf and his ex are not aware of what is waiting for them, but I think they are instinctively preparing for it.
If his kid starts acting up because mom and dad can't find common ground, I guarantee that it will make your relationship unbearable.
Try to keep that in mind and just hang on.
What I expect to happen is this - if my man knows how uncomfortable their relationship makes me and what they are doing, he should try harder to make our time together extra special and he should do the same for you.
Also, if possible, try to spend time together without the kids present.
Good luck!

attnrose 04/03/2017

Thanks Aronia. It helps to hear what it's like for others in similar situations. His ex-girlfriend has made his life hell in the past (pretended the child didn't live after birth, tried to alienate their child from him, and it's taken 4 years of court for him to first just have one day visit a week, and how a sleepover for a while now, which he wants to progress into more.

I trust him, just not the ex's, as they both seem still interested in him somewhat. It's just hard when the ex's try to inject themselves way more than they need to...like does she really need to be inspecting his home after he's older and has raised two boys from his marriage (before the girlfriend) and this is her first, and did this only once out of the two previous times.

It's hard to move forward with someone with not one but two ex's in the picture more than they need to be for sure.

SunCloudJD 04/03/2017

I doubt that legally she has a right to inspect his home... So if he wanted to take this to court he probably could ... He may just be trying to let things be as calm as possible for his daughters sake ... Big hug.... It does 'sound' annoying......xo

Aronia 04/03/2017

From what you are saying , it sounds like she is a complete psycho. He knows her well and is probably taking the best possible approach . If she keeps taking him to court, once again your relationship will suffer.
Let him deal with her the way he feels is appropriate, as long as your relationship is solid.
After what she did to him, I have very little doubt he will never get sucked into her BS.
Whatever you do, do NOT move in together unless you are married. Protect your interests , your kid and your assesses. I have made the mistake of living with a man who I was engaged to and it was a freakin disaster to untangle .

attnrose 04/06/2017

Thanks SunCloud and Aronia. You both touched on something important here, which is that she put him through the ringer in the past with court and crazy accusations, etc., and he is trying to keep things smooth and go along because if she gets the system to do it, apparently it could take 6 months before he sees his daughter. Psysho is a good name for it Aronia... I've known a lot of people with kids, including myself and never heard of one wanting to inspect the ex's home... Seems she's on some kind of power trip and it seems pretty invasive. She felt threatened with his exwife being in the picture somewhat, so part of me wonders if she is now trying to do the same thing between him and I...inject herself as much as possible where it's not necessary. He told me I could be there if I wanted when she comes, but I don't think I want to involve myself...could make things worse for him. But on the other hand, she'd see there's another woman who takes presidence and might move on and stop playing games...who knows.

Aronia 04/07/2017

I don't know any of them, but think about this - your bf had a wife already with whom he had problems. Now he has another woman ( you) and I don't know if his child was exposed to other gfs.
We have to see her side too - her child is very young and already saw her father in at least 3 relationships. It is possible she is doing the same thing too.
In any case - it is not good for little kids. It causes confusion and behavioral issues. So, the mother of his child may be concerned about it more than he is.
My daughter is 13 and I have a second bf that she has met ( I was in a previous relationship for 6 years ) and she is having emotional issues because it is difficult for her to know that these two men are not her fathers.
Everything comes out later on.. who knows what the mother of his kid is thinking . It is possible she came from a broken home as well.
Also, he divorced his wife for a reason, right ? They were probably fighting.
It is possible that she has nothing against you, but she doesn't approve of his choices.

rmb 04/07/2017

When my husband met me, he mentioned things that happened with his ex, and I'd be like wow, there's something wrong with her. Well, the longer we were together and I got to know him on a deeper level, it's very apparent he was part of the problem. Not the entire problem, but part of the problem. She's a piece of work for sure, but she and I ended up having a good relationship with each other, not because I liked her, but because she was the mother of my husband's kids. This made me want to be amicable and so I made an effort. I think if your boyfriend has had two relationships resulting in drama, you have to ask yourself what role has he had in creating some of this nonsense with these woman. And if you want harmonious relationships with him and the ex, you may have to be the leader in this situation and make nice. I'm not saying be a door mat, just don't make it harder than it needs to be.

I feel bad for all the kids involved here. To Aronia's point, it can be confusing and unsettling.

SunCloudJD 04/07/2017

I think a father should have as many rights as a mother and unfortunately that isn't always the case... .She doesn't have to approve of his choices ya know.... Unless there is something court worthy he shouldn't have to discuss his choices with her anymore just be a good dad to his daughter IMHO

attnrose 04/07/2017

I agree with you guys about it taking two in any relationship regarding problems for sure - nobody is the innocent party in any relationship 100%. It was just weird with her wanting to inspect his home and seemed an invasive thing to do, and when he told me about it I didn't understand it or hadn't heard of it at all before. And I just hope it isn't the beginning of a new pattern with her being overly present when it's not needed.

I think I'm just going to give him his space to deal with things as he sees fit bc as Aronia said, he knows her and what she's capable of. The smoother things go for everyone, the better.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. It was helpful in what seemed like such an odd situation.

rmb 04/07/2017

I think if she just wants to see where her daughter will be spending some nights, I don't think that's a lot to ask. I do think if it's portrayed as wanting to inspect the home out of baseless assumptions that it won't be safe for her daughter, or good enough, that's different. Honestly, she could yank him around for years if he's tiptoeing around her to try to see his kid more. He has rights as well and I don't think most judges would prevent a more equitable arrangement simply because he's the father. There has to be a basis for things. Sometimes it's better to go through the courts so there's not this sense of emotional blackmail. My husband went through this where his ex started wanting to change things in terms of who paid for what, things that were agreed upon and in their child support agreement. My husband agreed to a point but then she started wanting more things that weren't spelled out in the agreement, so he decided to go back through the courts to formally renegotiate their agreement. She overplayed her hand and things ended up much more fair after that. So to me, while having a formal custody agreement can be painful and costly, it kind of sets the tone for everything so you don't feel so fearful of the other person.

Anyway, you're in a tough spot attnrose. Because there is a difference between healthy relationships with an ex and one where it seems the ex continues to dictate the terms of the relationship. I'd not like that either.

rmb 04/07/2017

It's true none of us knows anyone's situation or all sides of every story. Most of us just opine given the information we have. If it's an "inspection" yeah, I think that's a little nuts. But I don't think it's unreasonable to want to see where your child is going to be sleeping, playing, hanging out, when not with you. Because seriously, I'd do that if someone was going to be caring for my dog in their home. I don't mean to compare dogs to children, just that I don't find this that outrageous, unless the intent is nefarious.

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