Welcome Jiga..... I'm sorry that you've been struggling with a porn addiction.....

If you are struggling with having a relationship therapy might be a big help to you.... It can help you to delve into why you are thinking as you are

Find some good coping skills and help you to change unwanted behaviours

There's also a Healthy Sex board on here that might be of help..... Big hug..... DS is a good site.... xo

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/healthy-sex

Hello - Even though you were a jerk, it was best not to string the two exes along. Addiction is hard and debilitating. Many don’t have sympathy for addicts, which is somewhat sad. Please get help with your addiction before you seek a relationship. I would be open and honest about it, otherwise you will project many frustrations onto your gf as you did before. As a woman in her twenties, it would be very difficult to be with someone who had a porn addiction. It’s hard not to think it’s part your fault for not doing enough. It puts the significant other through turmoil. I wish you the best of luck and strength.

Hi Jiga,
I encourage you to brace yourself because you are up for a long fight. Porn is one of the hardest addictions to get rid of because unlike substances that you can flush out of your body, the images stay in your mind. I hope that you are really committed and be among the success stories. And I agree that you avoid any relationship until you get this resolved because porn takes you into a fantasy world and it is guaranteed to destroy any real world relationship.

Here is a good place to start. Google Trouble With Listly which is a collection of links and articles dealing with real life challenges. (They don’t want direct links in this forum, in my experience, but the site is easy to find.) Then go to the page that says The Crushing Weight of Pornography and you will find articles there that can help you such as (1) Ammunition for the Fight Against Porn, (2) Seven Things to Do After You Look at Pornography, (3) How Do I Escape the Trap of Pornography in My Life?

Some of the resources in there are faith-based but it doesn’t mean that you become religious in order to fight this. These resources are great in any case. And some people I know squirm when they hear faith-based but they don’t realize that a lot of great resources are faith-related in some way. And when you are done reading the articles, consider getting this book Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn. And I do hope you win this battle.

Just asking, when you say "porn addiction"...are you talking 15 minutes a day? Or 4 hours a day?

There's a big difference.

As a single guy...I'd say that you're in the majority in looking at porn.

What I've told my 17 year old son when he turned 15:

Look at it if you want. But just know that NONE of it is "real". Real women don't look like that. Real men don't look like that. Real women don't act like that. And real men get in big big trouble if they act like that.

It's a fantasy...nothing more.

Real sex is about a million times better, and more boring, and more blah, and more emotional, and more a whole lot of things.

Real sex also has the power to hurt people. Both you, yes you the male, and whatever partner you're with. Hormones get released that often make you feel more attached to someone than you maybe really are. So it's a good idea to get to know someone a little bit before you get in bed with them. That said, I haven't always followed that advice. I've paid for it some, and survived.


I wonder, from your post, if you're using porn as a way to avoid taking the risk to actually talk to and get to know women. If so, maybe you should practice "saying hello" and just talking to strangers when you're in line, in the grocery store...out for a walk.

Best of luck, Patti

Thank you for all your replies everyone! I'm currently in therapy for both porn addiction and other personality issues. Please fell free to inject what you think is the best possible step.

Thank you!

It's great you're trying to take care of your issue now. Speaking from experience, being married to a porn addict sucks. It's heartbreaking. Leave that stuff behind and don't ever look back.

I'm just going to add...neither 3 weeks nor 2 months are "relationships". And as such, the ending of such encounters can hardly be chalked up to...well anything. They may have used the words "immature" but that doesn't mean that you were immature...although it doesn't mean that you weren't.

I suspect that the larger issue is being to insecure to take a chance on rejection.

Porn...is safe. It's not going anywhere. It's not talking back. It's not telling you that you're not good enough.

You may, or may not need to put the porn away, but putting it away isn't going to make you "more mature" or less shy. That only comes with experience...and experience is in getting out there and saying "hi" to women.

How about signing up for a class? Learn how to decorate a cake? You're most likely to be surrounded by women older than you are. It wouldn't be a place to find a date, but it would be a place to work on getting comfortable with talking to people. Or take a yoga class? Or to paint?

Or go sit down at a bar. (I'm NOT a bar fan, but it is a place where it's okay to both sit by yourself and to talk to strangers. It's okay to order a plain coke. I know someone that met her second husband after hanging out at a bar drinking diet coke for 2 years.)

Patti
I understand you're trying to help but you seem to be telling someone who thinks they may be addicted to pornography that it's okay to give into it.

Thank you LynStrife for understanding my point of view and giving some of your own wisdom and perspective!

Also, thank you patti22 for your advice addressing the issue of rejection, which is also a huge factor in addition to my lack of healthy behavior and treatment of others.

I also sorry for the long winded post. In short, I desperately seek all of your advice on these three massive problems in my life:

1. My addiction to porn. Specifically, how it will negatively affect my future relationships and marriage. (Please all are welcome to give advice!)

2. I struggle socially with women and relationships, being shy, awkward, with bad manners and not confident which is why I go to porn.
(Any ideas on how to "rehabilitate" from fake women on the screen, and meet/treat women in a genuine, caring, considerate way!)

3. Most importantly, become a better man. Pornography, lack of social skills, and down right clingy-ness are things I'd like to be rid of. (So what are your opinions on what a good man does/will do for a woman he loves?)

Mahalo everyone.

I have found that the way to make friends is to be a friend and to focus on the other person not oneself. Feeling insecure or embarrassed when meeting new people is putting ourselves first in our minds. Try to think of making the other person feel comfortable, ask them their names, their hobbies, get them to talk to you about what their life is like. Most people are not thinking about what faults we have are inside their heads, they are thinking about how all their faults may be showing to you. All humans desire love so know that and come from that angle. Give compliments, say kind things, do kind things. There's a motivational speaker called Jonathan Sprinkles who talks about putting 10 pennies in one pocket every morning and making sure to give a compliment to 10 people every day. Each time you compliment someone, you move that penny to the other pocket. People like people who seem to like us. Meaning if I act like I like you, then you will like me. Con artists know this so they befriend their victims, flatter them, and then use and abuse them. But you can be a friend without being a con-man! Say kind things back to them. Make it about learning something new about every new person you meet or doesn't have to be new people, can be your friends. I have heard of a group where people learn to give talks in public, Toastmasters, it might be something to help you get past your own inner critic. There's an old book, How to win friends and influence people. Mostly its stopping our own narcissistic tendencies and fears and learning to put other first in conversation and breaking the ice with new people. Once we stop focusing on our own shortcomings, we can focus on being "smooth" with new people. Lastly, I want to compliment you on your maturity and desire to change yourself. Many people won't even go this extra mile to make their lives better. If you need to, write notes to yourself where you will read them daily. "I am worthy of love and have value." " I can try new activities." This is called positive self talk and really helps me focus on the things in my head I am trying to change.