Healthy Relationships Support Group
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my boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. We've had our share of ups and downs in life, like everyone, but the great thing is we've always stuck by each other and come out stronger - individually and as a team. He's one of the first guys I dated, and the first I had sex with. This personally never bothered me, and he always said it didn't bother him - until this past week.
I was trying to broach the subject of going on a fancy out of country trip together next year - I thought it would be fun. I guess he thought the conversation was about to go the "It's been 5 years, where's my ring?" way, because he took my hand and said "Baby, its not that I don't want to marry you, its that I'm worried you don't love me for the right reasons. I know you love me, but you don't know any different. Sometimes I think you should date other people, so then you'll know if you love me for me or if you just love the idea of me. Maybe you'd find someone who'd match you better and you'll be happier - or maybe not and you'll know for sure I'm good for you." Needless to say, I was a little thrown off. I just wanted to go on vacation with him! Not only that but its not like I have absolutely no other experience. my first boyfriend I dated for 1.5 years, and I dated causally in between the two.
We've had a few conversations about it since then, mostly because of how much it bothers me, and he keeps reiterating his thoughts. He has been several relationships in the past and he fears that my love may fizzle out or that I'm just infatuated, and that years down the road if we married I would meet someone better and up and leave. It's awkward to have conversations about it because I feel like we're talking in circles. he'll say something like "I don't think you love me for the right reasons" and then when I say "So is there something wrong with my love for you" He'll say "No." or he asked me if I ever thought "What if" about the guys I dated causally. I told him (being honest) "every once and while, sure, because I'm human. But I made my choice, they made theirs (I do still talk to a few of them as friends on fb, but they are married or in serious relationships themselves at this point) and I don't regret it."
I don't know. I'm happy with him, but he seems to think I'm settling. He says I'm not happy and its his job to make me happy and he thinks someone else can make me happy. Hello, I have issues with anxiety and depression! I'm not always happy, and it has nothing to do with him! I look at it as I saved my self 5 years of potential heartbreak by building something with him instead of dating around. Thoughts?
I was trying to broach the subject of going on a fancy out of country trip together next year - I thought it would be fun. I guess he thought the conversation was about to go the "It's been 5 years, where's my ring?" way, because he took my hand and said "Baby, its not that I don't want to marry you, its that I'm worried you don't love me for the right reasons. I know you love me, but you don't know any different. Sometimes I think you should date other people, so then you'll know if you love me for me or if you just love the idea of me. Maybe you'd find someone who'd match you better and you'll be happier - or maybe not and you'll know for sure I'm good for you." Needless to say, I was a little thrown off. I just wanted to go on vacation with him! Not only that but its not like I have absolutely no other experience. my first boyfriend I dated for 1.5 years, and I dated causally in between the two.
We've had a few conversations about it since then, mostly because of how much it bothers me, and he keeps reiterating his thoughts. He has been several relationships in the past and he fears that my love may fizzle out or that I'm just infatuated, and that years down the road if we married I would meet someone better and up and leave. It's awkward to have conversations about it because I feel like we're talking in circles. he'll say something like "I don't think you love me for the right reasons" and then when I say "So is there something wrong with my love for you" He'll say "No." or he asked me if I ever thought "What if" about the guys I dated causally. I told him (being honest) "every once and while, sure, because I'm human. But I made my choice, they made theirs (I do still talk to a few of them as friends on fb, but they are married or in serious relationships themselves at this point) and I don't regret it."
I don't know. I'm happy with him, but he seems to think I'm settling. He says I'm not happy and its his job to make me happy and he thinks someone else can make me happy. Hello, I have issues with anxiety and depression! I'm not always happy, and it has nothing to do with him! I look at it as I saved my self 5 years of potential heartbreak by building something with him instead of dating around. Thoughts?
I'm sorry that some of these words may be upsetting, but we want the best for you!
Check the facts:
1) He hasn't committed in 5 years.
2) He's telling YOU you don't know what you're asking for.
3) He's telling YOU your attachment to him is not real.
How does that make you feel?
He is transferring what he wants onto you, and also, he doesn't love himself -or- you the same way. This is an avoidant strategy.
It sounds like precursor avoidant-anxious trap... it's definitely manipulation. If I were you, I know this is hard and it hurts but you need to see for you that this can get unhealthy quick--and for a long time. You can't convince someone you love them. I tried for a long time. Also, you can't make them reciprocate.
What does he want--you to bleed for him? You see what I'm saying. He's avoiding, you're pursuing...there is manipulation in between.
Talking in circles is not coming to a resolution--I did that for many many years (14). There is no mutual compromise, you're asking or hinting and he's redirecting or transferring.
Best of luck!!!
http://www.mercatornet.com/family_edge/view/sliding_versus_deciding_the_risks_of_cohabitation/10583
Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages -- and more likely to divorce -- than couples who do not.
This is because marriage is the end result of the slippery slope. Not a conscious decision, but rather the continuation of the status quo - the next logical progression of the relationship. Since you are living together, you might as well get married, I mean, everyone else is getting married.
You are 24, have been living together for 3 years, have been together for 4 years. So you met and started dating when you were 19, moved in together at 21. Maybe BF is realizing that he doesn't want to slide into marriage with you. Especially since you say you aren't happy with the relationship either. Maybe this is just the natural course of events for your first serious relationship. Some things aren't meant to be. And you BF recognizes that and you don't yet.