Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
my boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. We've had our share of ups and downs in life, like everyone, but the great thing is we've always stuck by each other and come out stronger - individually and as a team. He's one of the first guys I dated, and the first I had sex with. This personally never bothered me, and he always said it didn't bother him - until this past week.
I was trying to broach the subject of going on a fancy out of country trip together next year - I thought it would be fun. I guess he thought the conversation was about to go the "It's been 5 years, where's my ring?" way, because he took my hand and said "Baby, its not that I don't want to marry you, its that I'm worried you don't love me for the right reasons. I know you love me, but you don't know any different. Sometimes I think you should date other people, so then you'll know if you love me for me or if you just love the idea of me. Maybe you'd find someone who'd match you better and you'll be happier - or maybe not and you'll know for sure I'm good for you." Needless to say, I was a little thrown off. I just wanted to go on vacation with him! Not only that but its not like I have absolutely no other experience. my first boyfriend I dated for 1.5 years, and I dated causally in between the two.
We've had a few conversations about it since then, mostly because of how much it bothers me, and he keeps reiterating his thoughts. He has been several relationships in the past and he fears that my love may fizzle out or that I'm just infatuated, and that years down the road if we married I would meet someone better and up and leave. It's awkward to have conversations about it because I feel like we're talking in circles. he'll say something like "I don't think you love me for the right reasons" and then when I say "So is there something wrong with my love for you" He'll say "No." or he asked me if I ever thought "What if" about the guys I dated causally. I told him (being honest) "every once and while, sure, because I'm human. But I made my choice, they made theirs (I do still talk to a few of them as friends on fb, but they are married or in serious relationships themselves at this point) and I don't regret it."
I don't know. I'm happy with him, but he seems to think I'm settling. He says I'm not happy and its his job to make me happy and he thinks someone else can make me happy. Hello, I have issues with anxiety and depression! I'm not always happy, and it has nothing to do with him! I look at it as I saved my self 5 years of potential heartbreak by building something with him instead of dating around. Thoughts?
I was trying to broach the subject of going on a fancy out of country trip together next year - I thought it would be fun. I guess he thought the conversation was about to go the "It's been 5 years, where's my ring?" way, because he took my hand and said "Baby, its not that I don't want to marry you, its that I'm worried you don't love me for the right reasons. I know you love me, but you don't know any different. Sometimes I think you should date other people, so then you'll know if you love me for me or if you just love the idea of me. Maybe you'd find someone who'd match you better and you'll be happier - or maybe not and you'll know for sure I'm good for you." Needless to say, I was a little thrown off. I just wanted to go on vacation with him! Not only that but its not like I have absolutely no other experience. my first boyfriend I dated for 1.5 years, and I dated causally in between the two.
We've had a few conversations about it since then, mostly because of how much it bothers me, and he keeps reiterating his thoughts. He has been several relationships in the past and he fears that my love may fizzle out or that I'm just infatuated, and that years down the road if we married I would meet someone better and up and leave. It's awkward to have conversations about it because I feel like we're talking in circles. he'll say something like "I don't think you love me for the right reasons" and then when I say "So is there something wrong with my love for you" He'll say "No." or he asked me if I ever thought "What if" about the guys I dated causally. I told him (being honest) "every once and while, sure, because I'm human. But I made my choice, they made theirs (I do still talk to a few of them as friends on fb, but they are married or in serious relationships themselves at this point) and I don't regret it."
I don't know. I'm happy with him, but he seems to think I'm settling. He says I'm not happy and its his job to make me happy and he thinks someone else can make me happy. Hello, I have issues with anxiety and depression! I'm not always happy, and it has nothing to do with him! I look at it as I saved my self 5 years of potential heartbreak by building something with him instead of dating around. Thoughts?
TLDR; BF has been several relationships in the past and he fears that my love may fizzle out or that I'm just infatuated because he's one of my first serious relationships. If it matters, I'm pretty young (24).
travelgal8605
Im in love with cities Ive never been to and people Ive never met.
All relationships can end and many do, for various reasons. Sitting around saying 'what if' and not letting up on it, isn't normal. If he was happy, he would want to believe you are too. That's the normal way human beings think and feel. Something else is going on here.
Next time he brings this up, I would humbly ask you to be brave the turn the tables on him and ask him the same questions.
It seems he is using your inexperience as an excuse to end the relationship.
I hope I am wrong.
I would straight up ask him.
If it goes to ending things I can see it being civil (not that I can predict the future but...), so I don't think its that either.
Do you use him as a buffer when you are having a bad day? Confide all your feelings in him? Like you would a good girlfriend?
I do not think that you have to try a bunch of people to know right from wrong. I had a ton of relationships of all kinds and I can tell you one thing - if I skipped 90% of men I dated, it would have saved me quite a bit of sanity.
5 years is a long enough time to be sure about how you feel about someone. Idk who is planting these ideas in his head, but I think he is having a fear of marriage and it seems he is making up excuses to justify his fears.
Yes we live together. We have lived together for almost 3 years.
I definitely use him as a buffer on a bad day. I deal with death daily at work and he always is able to make me smile and laugh. I do confide in him, but not on the same level as a friend.
Aronia, its interesting that you say "Idk who is planting these ideas in his head" because after I read that I remembered he did say something weird the other day, along the lines of "Our friends seem to think we're miserable together, they don't see how good we are, they don't understand us etc" He seemed kind of flustered at the time. I wonder if one of his/our friends said something and its upsetting him.
Remind him what's real. You should have to, but sometimes it is needed.