Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My husband and I have been together for 8 years. He has always been REALLY into porn. It always made me seriously suicidal. I finally left him because of it and moved in with my parents. After a year and a half apart, I came back. This time, I was determined NOT to let the porn ruin my life. Before I left, I was unable to do anything without a panic attack and freaking out. But I swore this time would be different. I've told him he has to chose between the porn or me. He said, "Just leave then." So, since I have nowhere else to go, and because I do love him, I am trying very hard not to let it get to me. I also try not to say anything when I find out. But Christmas morning I woke up and came out into the living room to find him looking at porn on his computer. He didn't even apologize, he didn't say or do anything while I sat on the couch and cried for over an hour. It ruined my Christmas, but I decided not to let it show and I tried not to think about what I had seen. I was still doing OK after that. But then this past Tuesday, I was in the bathroom doing my hair. I walked out to the living room to get my can of Pepsi off the coffee table, and there he was, at it again. This time was worse than before because I was AWAKE and walking around the house! He didn't even have enough respect for my feelings to wait until I was away from the house or in bed sleeping! So now I'm freaking out 24-7 because I'm wondering how many other times has he done it and I haven't noticed? His computer is next to mine, but they're turned away from each other so I can't see what he's doing. If I glance over, he gets very angry. When I walk past his computer (I have to walk by to leave the room) he clicks really fast to close browser windows. I'm not allowed to stand near him when he's on the computer either. I am not allowed to be anywhere near him, which is difficult because we live in a tiny house.
What can I do about this? I'm trying to tell myself every minute of the day that this is just normal guy stuff and it's NOT a big deal, but it still hurts like hell. Since I caught him doing it while I'm awake and walking around the house, I'm more paranoid than ever. At least if I'm away from the house, I don't have to see him doing it and I can pretend that it isn't going on. But this just set me back to where I was when I left him.
I don't even think he loves me at all because of all this. He's always got this attitude towards me, like I'm just in the way. He's always saying mean things too. The other day, I asked a question and he muttered under his breath, "dumb ass". I won't even say the other names I'm called on a daily basis. Then he's always telling me he doesn't want me (until he's hungry or needs something).
I'm trying to stay positive through all of this in the hopes that maybe if I changed MY attitude, then he will change his. But it's not working. Any suggestions?
What can I do about this? I'm trying to tell myself every minute of the day that this is just normal guy stuff and it's NOT a big deal, but it still hurts like hell. Since I caught him doing it while I'm awake and walking around the house, I'm more paranoid than ever. At least if I'm away from the house, I don't have to see him doing it and I can pretend that it isn't going on. But this just set me back to where I was when I left him.
I don't even think he loves me at all because of all this. He's always got this attitude towards me, like I'm just in the way. He's always saying mean things too. The other day, I asked a question and he muttered under his breath, "dumb ass". I won't even say the other names I'm called on a daily basis. Then he's always telling me he doesn't want me (until he's hungry or needs something).
I'm trying to stay positive through all of this in the hopes that maybe if I changed MY attitude, then he will change his. But it's not working. Any suggestions?
The one thing I can tell you is that you can't change someone if they are not willing to change. You could however start taking some steps in changing how you want to live and your own behavior. Perhaps I am wrong here but I think your fear of being on your own scares you and that is why you not only tolerate his behavior but also why you stay in the situation you are in.
In saying that my advice would be for you to perhaps see a counselor to start dealing with your feelings of anxiety, frustration and panic. Once you can get a handle on these feelings I think you will start to feel a lot better about making changes you can benefit from. I would also say to involve yourself in activities that interest you such as volunteer groups and even getting a job if you do not have one already. It is an amazing feeling when a person feels needed and I think by doing those things for yourself will help to feel a whole lot better.
Personally I think you would be much happier if you were out of this current situation. I understand you love him but wouldn't it be nice to be loved in return? The porn watching he has might be an addiction I am not sure but it is obvious it is something you do not like or care for so I wouldn't focus so much on him watching it but rather focus on what can really make you happy in your own life. Once you do that I think you will know what steps to take in making your life a better place. The hard part is plucking up the courage and taking those steps to make it happen. Wishing you much happier days very soon.
As I say, I don't think the porn is a big thing in itself (I wouldn't go so far as saying it's *normal* male behaviour), but the point is it bothers YOU and he should respect that as your partner in life, and if you were driven to tears by it, I would expect an apology and for him to close the window out of common decency.
It sounds as though this relationship is wearing you away and why should you endure that? I understand you still love him but you have to think of your own welfare too. I advise you to get out because you deserve better from your own life, and he deserves less than your devotion.
Sorry that sounds so negative but it's the most positive step in the long run that I can envisage. I hope whatever you choose things look up for you.
Husband first. It's obvious this porn interest is really bothering you. I'm a guy and I do watch some porn. As I read your post I was wondering why he wouldn't at least try to work with you a bit on this and why he needs to indulge so often? He may have an "addiction". I place the term in quotes because I'm not convinced there really is such a thing. It may also indicate issues with your sexual relationship or maybe even other issues that he uses porn as a diversion from.
I suggest you try discussing these topics with him in a non-threatening, non-defensive/offensive way. (i..e. I'm sure breaking out in tears and getting incredibly upset doesn't make him feel like opening up.)
If he is chronically verbally/emotionally abusive I would suggest considering your place in this relationship as the other posts have suggested.
Now you. I've noticed the porn really seems to bother you. You may want to analyze why this is. I also noticed you are giving ultimatums to your boyfriend which may be making him defensive and creating a "me vs. you", defensive element in the relationship.
My suggestion to you is to first decide if this is tolerable behavior or not. Many men and women masturbate and is normal human biology. I'm guessing people won't give it up easily. If you can't tolerate it, just leave.
If you stay, you may want to try moderating your response and try to communicate and compromise. Maybe he will keep it to certain times/places if you two are on civil terms and you are not condemning him for it. You may also have a happier and healthier sex life if you are able to allow him to open up to you.
Good luck!
Please call a crisis hotline right away.
Best wishes to you.
You really deserve to be happy in life and if he's not willing to work at happiness with you, or respect you, then I'm not sure what you can do to make it work. The other person has to want to try in order for things to change. If he won't go see a counselor with you, my advice is to leave him for good, even if it hurts. I'm sure there are parts of him that you love, but if he truly doesn't care whether or not you stay or go, then my advice to you is to leave now while you still can instead of waiting around any longer. The sooner the better... It may hurt, but at least you won't be wasting anymore time with him. There are men out there that will be kind to you and respect you. You deserve better.
The porn upsets me for many reasons, one of them being that I found out he's been searching the words "petite teen", and he has been caught at a site featuring pre-teen girls. That site has been shut down, thankfully. But aside from the legal issues with it, I'm 28. He's masturbating over girls who are 18 (and in some cases younger) and who are "petite". I've had a baby. I'm not petite. I'm 5'5" and 150 pounds. I work out like crazy trying to lose weight so he'd look at ME and not the sluts in porn.
But, aside from all that, as I said, I'm trying to get past that. But I CAN'T get past it when he's doing out in the open.
It's hard to think of anything good to say about him... There are good things, but it's hard to see that through his yelling at me and constant nasty attitude...
LEAVE HIM.
Not because of the porn, but because of his total lack of respect for you and his abuse.
Girl, you KNOW you deserve better.