It is definitely possible for people in healthy relationships, including marriages, to have outside personal relationships. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is controlling.

I think your H is way off base and even sounds a tad narcissistic. If he is, then yes, anything you do for anyone else will seem to him like something he has lost, and he will tend to blow up at the slightest frustration.

I must admit that sometimes, lacking the courage to be honest, I have (ab)used my spouse as an excuse, but since this makes you feel uncomfortable, it is something that you should discuss with him. If he just denies doing it, gets mad and tries to turn the tables on you, for example saying things like "if you were more interesting, attentive, dedicated, etc. then things would be better," then start doing some research on narcissistic personality disorder, because you are going to need a plan.

thanks for your insight, johnny cake. i looked up NPD and honestly there are some parts of it that remind me of BOTH my husband and i. i wish there were some nice, middle-ground where we could both be comfortable. but instead it feels like whatever one of us doing, the other often shows some sort of disapproval of it or some feeling of disconnectedness and not being included. it's just silly. i know we've got a lot to work on...i just don't know where to start....

I see that you are approaching your 1st anniversary on DS, and are an excellent communicator, at least in writing. I naturally wonder how much you are able to talk with your husband about. I know that a lot of people really just use DS when they need to vent, and do not anticipate getting any useful advice here.

As you know ... you can only change yourself. I read that you were working on getting your jealousy under control, and applaud your efforts. You suffer from recurrent depression, and that brings its own set of problems into your life. It's unfortunate that your partner isn't more supportive.

I have only been a member since March, but I found a lot of people willing to help me with my problems, and also feel that I've learned a lot. I was deeply depressed at the time I joined, because my wife had left me a few months earlier, and I was losing my home. My situation has since mostly stabilized, but I still have a lot of time to watch DS, in lieu of TV or RL.

One thing I learned was that the "Serenity Prayer" had a name ....
"Give me the courage to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I learned that, while narcissists make most people crazy, there is a rare breed that actually "needs" to have one as a partner. I have also learned a lot about other personality disorders, including my own, and feel that it is possible for me to do something positive about my condition, although I expect this will take a considerable amount of time and effort on my part.

I think the best place to work on these problems is our journal. If we document our feeling while they are fresh, it is easier to get a perspective on them later. There were so many times that my wife and I would get into huge battles, then a few days later be unable to remember what had precipitated the event. Such is the nature of repression and post-traumatic stress.

When one is really messed up, it is hard to know whether to go with one's own instincts or against them in different situations. I think that is where DS is really helpful, but the bottom line is that you are the one who knows the whole situation, what you are capable of doing and enduring, and you are the one that has to suffer the consequences of your decisions.

I am not a good verbal communicator and have a tendency to stuff my feelings. As a way to enrich our verbal communications, my wife and I would sometimes read books together, in bed at night. We would take turns reading to each other, and stop whenever we had something that we wanted to discuss. We took turns choosing the next book when we had finished one.

I'm sure that other couples have different ways of building rapport and intimacy. Perhaps you could find some new ones that would work for you and your husband. Maybe some of the people in Healthy Relationships would be willing to share.