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Gaining Trust?

KendraBeth
KendraBeth
In a conversation with my boyfriend recently, he asked me if I have ever cheated on anyone. Wanting to be completely honest and open, I told him the truth - that I had, once, on a past boyfriend, and would never do it again. Ever. I thoroughly learned my lesson and would never, ever cause another person that amount of hurt again, or myself that much guilt. Cheating is not something that I would ever repeat. But my answer of "yes" definitely caught my boyfriend off guard, and he admitted he's kind of freaked out. How do I prove to him that I am 100% serious when I say that I would never cheat on him? He told me last week that he would never pursue a long distance relationship with me, if it ever came to that, because he wouldn't trust me not to cheat on him while he's away. Am I allowed to be offended by this, or did I deserve that? I made a mistake in my past, I openly admitted that to him (which he recognizes and appreciates), but somehow that's damaging my current relationship to the point where he doesn't trust me...So my question is, how do I gain trust from someone I love, when I never really lost it in the first place? Does this just take time? Should I have just said "no" when he asked, and left the past in the past?
Dave17
Dave17
I would be offended, so I would say you have the right to be also. you should not have lied to him, you were correct in telling him the truth.

and yes, he will likely get over it in time.
TurdFerguson15
TurdFerguson15
I agree. I did the same thing in my past and swore I would never repeat the same mistake. You did nothing wrong and don't let him make you feel like you did. It's his issue, not yours. You were honest and that should speak volumes.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Please don't feel like you owe it to him "Gain" his trust.

You were honest
. If he can't except what you did before you ever knew him he needs to get out of the relationship now, not punish you and make you feel flawed in some way.
Aronia
Aronia
Seems like he has trust issues that have nothing to do with your past..
Is he a very serous bf ?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm sure he is young and doesn't understand is the "past" is your past and if you learned and grew from it than that is what truly matters. Like someone said here. Do not let him "make" you pay for something now. You don't owe him to prove your trust the whole relationship. Move on if he can't get past this because what else is he going to "hold over you"?
deleted_user
deleted_user
He already said he doesn't want a long distance relationship with you and that he couldn't trust you. If that is what he says you can't continue thinking he will change. He will find something else to fault you for too. So, he only wants you in his site from the sounds of it.
Shai
Shai
i'm wondering if he's been cheated on in a previous relationship...
deleted_user
deleted_user
Summer is absolutely right. Distrust issues in one aspect of your lives together is just the tip of the iceberg. Those who have no trust find fault, no matter how much life you spend together and no matter how innocent and meaningful your priorities are. At least that's what I've found. He may be prone to find endless fault all through life with suspicion and resentment the entire way. That's a hard road and you may one day find he is a stranger because you will never feel like he knows you. He only knows his own concoction of you. There will be no words on the planet that can ever convince him of your integrity or your loyalty toward him. There will always be an underlying suspicion and resentment that will eventually cost you your esteem through the years. It will be difficult for him to love you or develop a heartfelt connection with respect for you because there will be no trust. Trust is so vital to a relationship, perhaps the greatest factor in determining success, faith in each other, esteem, and his respect. How can he respect you and love you if he is always so afraid? Some people are just more prone to fear and discontent. Some, even look for it, at whatever cost.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If a current partner wants to ask questions about your past(before the two of you met) and receive honest answers, they have NO right to hold those past issues against you in the present! That is as ridiculous as if he were to think you will become a drug addict at some point in your future because somewhere in your past maybe you tried a drink or a drug (hypathetically of course). He has no right to revoke his trust in you unless you have done something TO HIM to violate it. I would not only be offended, but I would have some pretty serious words for my significant other if she pulled this on me!
KendraBeth
KendraBeth
savagej, I totally agree.

He is a very serious boyfriend, which is why it's even harder. I'm not sure if he has been cheated on in the past. But what he's doing probably has to do with something that happened at the beginning of our relationship...
When we were first seeing each other, we verbally agreed that it was okay for us to be seeing other people. I was still getting over a really tough breakup and was not ready for a new commitment. Later on, when we got more serious and decided to commit to be mutually exclusive, he asked if I had actually been seeing other people. When I honestly told him that yes, I had, he got really upset. I feel that he is still holding that against me. I can understand why he's upset, but we talked about it! It's not like I just "assumed" it was okay or anything...anyway so I feel like I still represent "that" kind of girl in his head, and now he still can't trust me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Move on baby girl.

His issues will make your life miserable
Shai
Shai
there are some people in the world who ask questions or claim a certain thing is okay HOPING that the other person will care enough not to do it...i know that type of thinking is not healthy. but just saying.

i agree that you should let him go. he is not at the age or that stage in life where he is fully capable of grasping the concept that that was then n this is now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well honey, all I keep seeing in your posts is that every time he has wanted answers from you, he has gotten nothing but the truth and I feel that there is no person more honest in this world than one who will tell the truth for better or worse, whether the one asking likes it or not. Perhaps his issues do stem from past infidelitys commited against him but that just doesn't justify him punishing you. If he isn't able to handle the truth he shouldn't ask and further, he is eventually going to drive you away with this behavior. It hurts when somebody doesn't trust you and you are honest with them in every manner. Have a non-confrontational discussion with him about this and make sure you let him know he will only damage what you two have together with his misplaced distrust. Good luck to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
he may have a being honest problem himself... if you are not an honest person by nature you will always have trust issues... an honest person normally can see it when it is there...

he basically told you that you cannot be trusted... his idea of you is flawed ...its his problem... not yours...

however... he is also being honest when hes telling you how he feels about it... wrong or not... that's his reaction.. he really needs time to work it out...

let him know you need his help in working through this with him...his reaction should give you a heads up as to his ability to support you as a partner in the future...

another thought that has not been mentioned... is he may be using this as a tool to try and control you... please don't get caught off guard...