I can understand resentment and It must be tough with your grandfather being so ill , but we are here for you just keep writing. Hope things get better.

Sounds like his priorities are way off when it comes to family. Have you tried really sitting down with him and talking about this? Asking him if there is something bothering him possibly to where he would rather go on a long church trip opposed to an appointment for his daughter or to see your family? I understand why this would frustrate you. I'd bring it up if you haven't, let him know how you feel, but make sure you dont "attack" him or he will shut down like every other man (LOL!). Id let him know what youd like to expect from him, and what you Need, because a marriage goes both ways, it cant always be about what he needs or what he "cannot do" I hope things improve for you!!

I would say that you are lucky in that your husband has a good job and plenty of work in this economy! When earning a living is a prirority (and I take it that you do not work outside the home) that's a good sign of a man's commitment to wife and family.

As to your H cutting short the visit with your grandfather in lieu of a mission trip with your church, again, stop and count your blessings! There's a lot to be said about a man who wants to spend a week in service to others -- vs. running off to play golf with his cronies for a week! In addition, it may be unrealistic for you to expect your H to feel the same way about visiting your grandfather as you do. Plus, the remark you made: "...so I can have help wile trying to say goodbye to my grandpa" -- won't there be another FAMILY MEMBER there who could help you with your kids during this visit?

Just my two cents.

You do have to talk to him about this because your resentment will keep growing as long as you say nothing.

I like Pandylove's approach--don't attack him with "you" statements, rather use "I" statements, such as "I was really hurt when you couldn't accompany us on this trip." Do ask if something is bothering him. Perhaps he is uncomfortable with illness (a lot of men are). Be sure to express that you are grateful for all he does for the family with his work to show he is appreciated. Try to find some compromise--if summer is his busy season, maybe the entire family could do something in the off months (a little weekend trip, etc.).

But if you stay quiet, nothing will happen except you will become more resentful.

Hugs!

Thanks for everyone's comments. To clear up a comment, I work in his family business for him. I'm also left to take care of things in the business in his absence. I dislike working with his mother in the business and would quit of it didnt kill hubby. I announced my quitting last january and it wasnt good. He was very sad so i stayed. Work is his first priority. As far as other family help when visiting grandpa... My mother is mentally ill and very abusive. I can't trust my family to stand up to her if she attacks my children. We almost never visit but I want to see grandpa before he dies. Hubby knows how I feel but says its impossible to leave the business. How do other spouses out there cope?

I have honestly just had to come to terms with the fact that work is more important to my husband than anything. And honestly with 3 kids and one on the way I only WISH he could be working as many hours as your husband does. It really just sounds like your husband trusts you to handle all this stuff on your own and doesn't feel you need him there, even though you want him to be there. I agree with Cowgirl on this one. Count your blessings that you have a MAN that is willing to work so hard, and has the opportunity he has to work as much as he does. But you can still talk to him and try to explain that while you may not NEED him to be a part of these things with you, that you really would appreciate it if he would make some time for the things you want him to do.

Stephanie: You mentioned that work is more important to your husband than anything...how do you explain it to your kids? My almost 3 year old isn't asking yet but my 6 year old daughter with autism asks all the time why daddy misses things (family events, her birthday party, school programs, gymnastics program, holiday celebrations, etc.). I don't know what to say other than Daddy's working. Anything you can tell me what you tell your kids would be great. Thanks!

I just tell them that he is doing it for them. Just explain in a kid friendly way that daddy has to work that hard so they can enjoy doing all the things they love to do. My twins are a little older(12) so they understand a little better that he has to work to support everybody, but when the issue does arise that is all I explain to them. He has to work so we have the money to do all the fun things we like to do.

Stephanie...thanks for your response. I guess I just have a bad attitude. Problem is I don't know if I can put up with this anymore or not. Tired of feeling like a single mom. Again, thanks for your advice.

Imo I'd rather sacrifice some of the things that have only monetary value to have my husband not be gone that much every week. I'm sure the kids would too. I feel it is very important for the kids and for you and your marriage to not have one party gone that much. I know we all need to make a living but it could be one less vacation, a less fancy car, less dining out. Idk but I'd find a way. We are currently in a poor financial mess. I work 40 hrs and he works 40 hours and that's it. I'm not taking a second job and neither is he. We will make do with what we have. I will not give up having us all home together having a family dinner, kids things at school/sports, important Dr appts, and time together. It's as important to me as finances. Maybe His family bussiness could maybe hire another employee.to help ease the burden on him. If it is important to him then he can find a way. Your kids are only young once. Yes I agree with the above posts that it could be worse..bbuuutt I wouldn't care if my husband was leaving for a week for the church or to play golf or hang with friends.....whatever the reason If he claimed he couldnt make it work for your daughters medical appointments and to support you through the death of a family member that must be very hurtfull. Other family members or not it is still my husband I would want by my side for things like that. I would have a serious talk with him and see if he feels he wants to be home more maybe there's a way,to make it happen. Good luck!

Thanks goodtotalk. Just to clarify...my husband doesn't make any more money than if he put in his 50 hours a week for $750 (which is what we've agreed to in previous conversations). We don't do vacations (taking a medical trip for our daughter takes the place of those, which is what we have to do for her so I'm not bothered by that) and our only vehicle is 9 years old (again, it runs and that's all that matters). Work is just extremely important to him emotionally (it's his whole identity) and it has nothing to do with money. Btw, good luck with your finances...hope it works out for the best!

maebeth:
Now that you have made some additional comments here and given a little more information, I have thought that perhaps your husband is working all these hours as a way to AVOID the HOME LIFE.

This is NOT uncommon among men. I don't think the majority of them have the emotional depth or capacity to handle or be intimately involved in the family relationship that women do. Consider the fact that a group of men can play 18 holes of golf every Wednesday for a year and beyond knowing what they all do for a living, they probably have NO CLUE as to how many kids they each have and have no idea what their individual "issues" are.

Women, on the other hand, ALWAYS seem to communicate all sorts of details with each other...and often just as they stand in line together at the grocery store!

I believe what is in order here is for you to sit him down and have a non-threatening heart to heart talk about YOUR desires and need for him to be more a part of the family! If he will consent to a few sessions of marriage counseling, that would be most excellent!

Otherwise, the two of you will remain in Deadlock until something blows it out of the water -- either your resentment of the situation or his frustration/inability to really be engaged in the day to day life of the family.

I would suggest that YOU find a qualified counselor or certified therapist and have a few sessions to talk out your situation FIRST. You will no doubt get some good advice as to how to approach the idea of marriage counseling with your husband. I am a firm believer that most marital problems CAN be solved -- but it takes an effort and commitment BY BOTH PARTIES to smooth out the rough patches and make a difference for the future.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you!

Thanks for your thoughts...I think you're right. Hubby and I are seeing a counselor. She says he has "emotional anorexia" (her made up term for the fact hubby expresses no feelings). We haven't made much progress. Lots of the time I end up going be myself because he has work stuff come up. I'll stay until the kids are raised but after that I seriously don't see much of a point. Guess I got another 15 years to figure it out. Lol.

maebeth: I have to chuckle at the therapist's term "emotional anorexia." I will forever refer to the X as having been "emotionally constipated." To me, that really says it because EVERYONE has emotions -- it's just that the less enlightened have not learned to loosen up and let them out! LOL.

I am glad that YOU are in counseling, but I don't hold out much hope for things to improve in the marriage if your H finds reasons NOT to attend the sessions with you. I certainly hope that you will come to see the downside of spending another 15 years of your life in such an emotional wasteland. I am NOT a big fan of divorce, but your state of mind and mood isn't a very good legacy to hand down to your children.

Sending all the love and strength to you that I can muster. xoxox

Thanks CowgirlKathy!