Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Anyone got the same problem as I do? A few weeks back I posted how my partner could be possibly cheating on me but now I'm thinking after much deliberation, its not that. I really think I got friend zoned by her or in the first place the relationship was never a romantic one on her end of the bargain. She was in a bad place, i happened to show a kind heart, she just grabbed on to it thinking desperation was love.
It's like the way she treats me is exactly how she would treat her closest friends, one with whom she is particularly close to and is also in love with her. But she maintains that they are just friends....but I digress.
Now I know its important in every relationship that you have to be best friends with your partner however it doesn't go anything beyond kissing and hugging. There is hardly any sex or even making out in our relationship.
I did try everything from being extra nice, romantic gestures but all I get is an ice popsicle for a girlfriend. On really bad days, if she's facing a problem somehow I get entangled into it and she starts yelling at me like I'm the one causing the damn problem.
When I asked her why she is doing all these things to me, her common response is because I keep trying to change her. Now I admit I did try to change her, I tried to change her from committing suicide when she was low. I tried change her heavy drinking habits (she was becoming a danger to herself when she drinks, not to mention the drunken bouts of anger). Her behavior has some what improved after much nudging on my end but at the cost of her lingering resentment towards me for changing her.
I just feel really low that despite my good efforts I'm getting punished. I know she suffers from clinical depression but she is a deeply analytical person who is very self aware of her own emotions.
I have already addressed this friend zoning problem and my gut is telling me that my suspicions are right. Perhaps she felt guilty and didn't want to admit it because it would make her feel more disgusted at herself? I don't know. I need help I feel like I just lost 2 years of my life hoping that the love of my life was real.
It's like the way she treats me is exactly how she would treat her closest friends, one with whom she is particularly close to and is also in love with her. But she maintains that they are just friends....but I digress.
Now I know its important in every relationship that you have to be best friends with your partner however it doesn't go anything beyond kissing and hugging. There is hardly any sex or even making out in our relationship.
I did try everything from being extra nice, romantic gestures but all I get is an ice popsicle for a girlfriend. On really bad days, if she's facing a problem somehow I get entangled into it and she starts yelling at me like I'm the one causing the damn problem.
When I asked her why she is doing all these things to me, her common response is because I keep trying to change her. Now I admit I did try to change her, I tried to change her from committing suicide when she was low. I tried change her heavy drinking habits (she was becoming a danger to herself when she drinks, not to mention the drunken bouts of anger). Her behavior has some what improved after much nudging on my end but at the cost of her lingering resentment towards me for changing her.
I just feel really low that despite my good efforts I'm getting punished. I know she suffers from clinical depression but she is a deeply analytical person who is very self aware of her own emotions.
I have already addressed this friend zoning problem and my gut is telling me that my suspicions are right. Perhaps she felt guilty and didn't want to admit it because it would make her feel more disgusted at herself? I don't know. I need help I feel like I just lost 2 years of my life hoping that the love of my life was real.
You can't change her, people will change only if they want to change and are willing to work at changing. They also have to want to change for themselves first, not for someone else. If she wants to take control of her depression instead of allowing it to control her, if she wants to clean up her drinking she'll do it. Until she wants to get well, there's nothing you can say or do that will help her, she has to want it for herself.
You either accept her and the relationship "as is" and be happy with it as is or move on from it.
I could accept the relationship as it is, if only she would convince me that the relationship is based on love and not her need for companionship. With this new friend that is in love with her and who is willing to give in to her every whim I feel discarded.
She keeps telling me if I'm not happy just move on....but I'm tired of the whole dating game and this is the first relationship in a long time that I actually think is worth saving if she could conquer her problems.
I know people have been telling me that the only way out of this is if she realizes it and wants it. She's been dwelling on it for the past 7 years....
It takes 2 willing partners to save a relationship, to make a relationship a good, strong, healthy relationship. One partner can't do it on their own.
She's been dwelling on it for the past 7 years, how long are you willing to put your life on hold?
I know I should move on but I just feel really unjustified even if life is unfair. Its the things I went through with her, how I have pulled her up over and over again and yet this....
If you stay it is very possible that instead of the kind of relationship you want you will continue being the one to pull her out of the dumps but yet never really get back what you should in this relationship. Anyway just my thoughts here but I think you should consider moving on and give yourself some time to heal. If you still are unsure it might be worth seeing a counselor just to explore your feelings a bit more and give you the confidence you need to make decisions that will benefit you and your future. Wishing you all the best:)
The trap with holding out and waiting for someone to change is that they might not. That's why you need to be able to accept your partner for who they are, and if they change then great, but if not you're happy then too.
Resentment is toxic in a relationship. If she can't work past that, she is going to continue to snap and take things out on you because she is upset.
It seems to me like you are working awfully hard and she is doing nothing. The problem is that a relationship takes 2 people, working together as a team. You can't put forth all the effort. How long are you willing to try to do the work of two people?
Well here's the other part I didn't mention....I work in the same office as my girlfriend. And not just the same office, but the same department as well. Can you see where this is going?
I am not going to leave this job because of her. This is probably the best gig I've had in the last 10 years of my career and it pays well too. The job is part of the problem and I know it because we spend way too much time working, not enough time away from each other to miss each other and therefore it corrodes into our couple time.
I don't know how to deal with it if I should leave her or vice versa and still work with her. She's saying that we should both let go but I just can't do it like this. I love her for all the good times and I am willing to weather the bad ones if only she could make a compromise here and there instead of me always being the one taking the shit and giving in.
Now let me tell you why I disagree. My husband and I own a business together and literaly see each other 24/7. Working in the same department office does not even come close to how much we see each other. Yet we rarely fight or distance ourselves from one another. One thing that helps us, is that we can be together and yet apart at the same time. We cn be sitting right next to each other, while still having our own individual space. We don't need to miss each other in order to love each other more, that is such a false notion. I really think it is an excuse that you are using in order to avoid a very difficult decision that really only you can make right now.
I honestly can relate to having to see and work with someone you have split up with. This happened a lot to me when I was in school. If you were to break up with her, it will be incrediably difficult for at least a few months, but gradually you will be able to overcome the weirdness and maybe remain friends. I wish you the best of luck in making your decision!!!
I began dating a Vietnamese woman years back whom I was instantly smitten with but she regarded me as "eh...OK", and, despite my best efforts to charm her, seduce her, etc., tried being sweet, tried being aggressive, the fact is she really wants an Asian man. I made all the moves, i kissed her, she reciprocated somewhat, but I really think she just liked the attention; didn't really like ME.
She even went so far as to talk me into a wax to remove the hair from my arms and legs (which, actually, was not a bad idea; I'm German and I AM a hairy mammal, and I feel younger when I've shaved my body hair)! Does THAT give you a clear picture? She likes her own race, brunette, smooth skin, very little body hair.
The physical is absolutely an important part of a relationship. I'm afraid this girl ain't all that into you, and you, like me, made moves rather than seeing HER, watching HER body language, viewing HER objectively.
Don't quit your job because of this. Work with this woman, keep it professional, begin shying away from her, and pursue someone else.
When you meet someone who truly likes you, you'll know it; the animal attraction on HER end will be immediate and strong. Then, do your best not to reject the NEW girl! I actually get freaked out when a woman is clearly attracted to me, gets right in my face, my personal space, glares me in the eye! It's a shock to my central nervous system, albeit a welcome shock! I'm working on matching a woman's desire for me with an equal desire for her. There haven't been many, but the few who did show interest, I rejected; I was the cold, aloof one. I know how that feels, to be rejected, and I'm learning to relax and warm up a bit to someone who actually shows interest in me and not get scared off. So will it be with you.
Thank you for listening to my woes....it is unfortunate that she has made her decision to leave this relationship. She explained to me that she has fallen out of love with me for sometime but she didn't know when to tell me hence the cold reaction. I suppose i should try and pick myself up....I spent such a long time trying to mend this situation now I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
Push weight. It's what I do. It seems to help "pick one's self up"!