i bet she, too, wishes she was healthy and things were normal.

i, too, tend to isolate with intense happenings like this. you are already doing what i find most soothing in such circumstance. hold the course and just be there for her, in whatever doses she can handle on any given day.

stay strong. it ain't easy, but you got this.

Thanks Arfie. This has just been such a fantastically difficult year already on so many levels. I appreciate the support.

I imagine after the hysterectomy she was on pretty strong pain meds so she would have been sleeping a lot and chemo can be really rough
She may just not be up to talking as she'll feel to poorly
When I'm overwhelmed I tend to shut down as well
It's the only way I can handle some really heavy things in life
Even if you were there she may just need to rest and sleep
It's kind that you're sending thoughtful texts and letting her know she's loved

I would try and do just that without worrying about a response for the time being

Big hug sweetie...I hope your friend will do well and heal completely...xo

After a hysterectomy, I got very depressed. It hits more than one nerve. To add to the chemo which also makes a person down and feeling awful, she has her plate full of sadness. Give her some time and support. Hope this helps.

Thanks SunCloud and Mary.

She called me today and we talked a bit. Shes starting chemo and I know she must just be so physically/emotionally exhausted. I cant even imagine how this feels for her right now.

I will stand by and offer whatever support she has the capacity to accept. I hope she is well again someday soon.

may your gentle expressions find their way on the wings of a prayer.

I think you are a good friend to your friend. I know she appreciates you even if she can't give back at this time.

I am almost 70 and I learned a big lesson last year with someone I really liked but kept pushing me away friendship wise. Well this woman had a serious health disease that was killing her and she hid her end of life stage from us. I mean we knew she had the disease but she hid her disease progression. That hurt my feelings when I heard she died because it was my ego wanting to help her but being pushed away.

Yet, this was about my own ego and not about her needs. I came around to seeing this as how she coped. She needed to look good to the others, to the group, I guess. When she pushed me away, I allowed the friendship to wither and stopped trying because she hurt my feelings.

In all honestly, I have been sick and didn't have the energy to be cheerful around people or return calls or text messages all the time. Our energy flags and even thinking about our illness can be a huge depression making thing.

So I realized with this woman who died last Fall that she had to do things her way. She had to push me away because she didn't have the energy to deal with another friend. She wanted to hide her illness because of her own self-pride and ego. Nothing I could do to change how she was, if this makes sense.

And then another friend's two relatives died in the same week and she had to go to two out of state funerals in the same week. Her relatives really leaned on this other friend and called her daily for this and that. My friend got kind of silent with me and I was upset at first. Then I realized, my friend has a lot on her plate and didn't have anything to give right then to our friendship. I know people have a limited capacity at times so this time I am being more gracious and not taking it personally.

Your friend is doing the best she can with what is going on. It might help her to talk to her about how she is feeling and really listen. So she has someone she can be truthful with. If that makes sense. Try not to talk about your life unless she asks for updates.

The lesson I learned with the friend who pushed me away had hit to my core being. We take it personally as about us but really the issue is about them and something they need within their core being. This is difficult stuff, difficult life lessons.

And do a google search of what is called ambiguous loss. Your anticipation of her possibly dying is called ambiguous loss and is a real thing. Your feelings are normal but she can't make you feel better because her capacity is limited at this time. To know that confusion and lack of clarity are a hallmark of ambiguous loss may help you like it helps me.

So true Hasty. My mom died three years ago from cancer. I was the only one on the journey with her. Her family didn’t know until the last two days she was in icu. Extremely hard on me, her only child. But mom wanted to focus on living and not focus on the illness so she didn’t share much with others. We have to respect the way people fight their battles….

What you say about ambigious loss really hit me. Thank you. Ive been calling it "anticipatory grief" with my therapist. But that didnt feel quite right because she could very well survive. Ambigious loss feels more correct. And its such a weird thing to navigate. She could be fine this time next year. Or she could be gone forever. Its such a hard thing to process.

Hugs to you Ilovemycat94. Ambiguous loss is very difficult to process as you wrote. It is confusing, and complicated. I had an older friend that I just loved. She got to be about 96 years old and not eating and mentally slowing down. She insisted on living alone and her adult kids allowed it. She also went blind. I know what she is going through because my husband is also blind and will need help if I die first even though he is very independent but he can't cook as he can't see the cooktop, nor go to the grocery store on his own, etc. So my point here is I watched her doing worse and worse for two years and I knew what was coming. It distressed me so much. I used to work with older adults but had a bad injury for a few years and could not give her any help. Now I have regret that I didn't do X or Y, just nonsense.

Big hug hasty

Don't do this to yourself sweetie

People have a right to make their own choices even when they're poor choices unless they've been seen as a threat to themselves or to others and that's a really high bar

I've tried to have a couple of people when I worked in the community deemed unfit for really good reasons with dementia and it didn't fly

Your husband could get a lot of help from Community Health if ever needed and programs lime Meals on Wheels are really good and inexpensive

Big hug sweetie....xo