Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
This is a woman who was really into me for several months and then when we finally started dating told me she was not ready to be with me because of past abusive relationships. So I let her go. Within a month she started calling me again and we had a great time talking. Then when she said she would see me (we live about 3 hours away) she cancelled the day before with some lame excuse. Then two weeks later she told me she was in love with her married lawyer. I got very upset and told her I did not want to talk to her again. She called a month later and I picked up the phone by mistake. We ended up having a nice conversation. She said she missed me. That was a month ago. Since then she has called me on a regular basis and our conversations are always very nice. I never call her. She calls me. I can tell she has some feelings for me when we talk, but again, she had those feeling before and told me she was not ready or liked someone else. She has been calling me more often recently. She called me on the 24th to wish me a happy Christmas eve. Then she texted me on the 25th. I texted back that I was going to a family gathering and I would call her from there. I really wanted to call her but I completely forgot. I guess I blocked her out of my mind because she has hurt me in the past and I don't want that to happen again. But I feel terrible telling her that I would call and then not following through. Especially when I really wanted to call her. It would have been fun and special to talk to her on Christmas day. I know her and I am sure I disappointed her. She has disappointed me in the past so maybe it is good that I show her that I am no longer her lap dog. But I still feel really bad for not calling her when I said I would. I feel I messed up. But maybe because of the way she has treated me in the past I should not feel bad about this. But I don't think she will see it that way. She will see that I promised to call and I blew her off.
I just don't think she's someone you want to try and make a relationship with. The distance factor alone will be problematic, but it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.
If you are really keen to talk to her, just call her now and apologize for things having got too hectic with family yesterday. If she is not prepared to accept that, it is her loss, and maybe she will think twice about treating people the way she has treated you in the past. Maybe she will understand it is not so much fun being on the receiving end of it. Not that I am saying you did it intentionally, but it is what it is - and relationships are about give and take.
This woman sounds like she is playing games with you.
So basically stop beating yourself over this, get yourself out there (talk to others, who might provide a more healthy relationship).
I would much rather date a rescuer, than an abuser (the abuser, who can come off very charming at first, not until much much later does one see their true colors), but none the less, it is very frustrating, dealing with a rescuer, who ignores you, jumping through hoops for someone who treats them like garbage.
In both relationships, where I dated a rescuer, they blew me off for their ex-wife (who needed lots of rescuing, had severe mental issues, were hospitalized, and/ or cheated on them). I never cheated on these men, yet they preferred their exes who treated them like garbage over me.
Doesn't do one much good, their self esteem, when their loved one passes them up, preferring the one who treated them like garbage. Makes you wonder, am I really that bad?
also, it could be the "thrill of the chase". she says she likes you...BUT...isn't ready emotionally ready...then she tells you she's in love with another guy...who is married by the way. then she sees that you are upset about it, so she calls you a month later saying she likes you....
she's just stringing you along, it seems. or maybe she really does like you, but because she was in an abusive relationship, she doesn't really know what she wants.
keep the friendship there -- FRIENDSHIP. what if she had been emotionally ready for a relationship with you? would she still have fallen for a married lawyer?
don't feel bad about not calling her (although i feel i know why -- you just aren't the type of person to say something n not do it, right?). let her call you each time. don't call her. chances are she doesn't even realize the emotional hurt she's put you through at all.
"Why does she keep calling me and being nice?"
the thing is gabriel, in my opinion, she hasn't been that nice to you. She has a history of blowing cold air on your relationship (when thing warm up beyond her comfort level). She even went so far as to tell you, she is not available, because she is love with her married lawyer.
I am not a rescuer, however I am a doormat, and have experienced many of the similar things you have described. Being passed over for drama and excitement/
It makes us (you and me) feel good, needed, when we can rush in, be the savior, hoping these people will be grateful, for our friendship , and never leave us. Because, after all, we do have it pretty together (relatively speaking when compared to their past or present relationship). But the thing is, they rarely do appreciate our niceness, perhaps because they are doormats and rescuers too? I don't know. Sound like a viscous cycle?
We can't change anyone but ourselves. If you realize you attract or are attracted to unhealthy people, then work on you, before entering another potentially unhealthy relationship. Doesn't mean you need to close yourself off from the world. Continue to talk to the opposite sex, be friendly, but take it very very slow (until you feel comfortable saying no to those who may be unhealthy for you, continually take take take).