Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hello.
From the ages of 14-22 I was in 3 consecutive life consuming, abusive, codependent relationships. My first relationship was with a bi polar boy, my second with an alcoholic who was 7 years my senior, and my third was was with a sex addict/pill addict. I got back with my second boyfriend after he got out of rehab and finally ended our relationship back in January. From January-June I went through a period of sleeping with a lot of men and drinking a lot. But always in the back of my mind I was looking for another person who I could obsess over. In June I started spending time with a man (John) who is actually wonderful. He is kind, patient, mature, and we have a lot of the same interests. I have struggled with him since day one. I don't feel that crazy "passion" I have for the other relationships in my life, so I keep dismissing him in my mind as just a friend. However, I am aware enough to realize that he is giving me the affection I have craved my entire life and he is not asking for anything but my presence in return. This has made me feel confused/repulsed. I decided to explore these feelings and stumbled upon a book called "Women Who Love Too Much" (perhaps someone out there has read it) I am floored by how much it parallels my life and my struggles. I am seeking help finally and looking for support.
I am moving abroad to get some headspace/travel for a while and John and I are breaking up. This is good for me because I realize how unbelievably not ready I am for a relationship. However, I have made it the goal of my trip to do some deep self reflection and figure out how upon return home I can maybe one day enter a relationship that is healthy and loving and not reject it. Can anybody relate to this?
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
A million percent, I relate.
Did you have trauma in your childhood? I ask that because I did. The only relationships I had modelled for me early on were tumultuous and dysfunctional. When I grew up and started to form my own relationships I started noticing a pattern - I only wanted to be with the screw-ups and drama kings. If they had a joint hanging out of their yap, had a criminal record, or got physically aggressive with me I WANTED THEM. If they were nice, loyal and accommodating - I didn't. It was a vicious cycle because I was used to the turmoil and chaos of dysfunction of my childhood. I would love to say that I've learned my lesson by now but sadly, I haven't. I was married to an extremely nice and loyal man for 10 years - he adored me and I treated him like shit because he was "boring". I left him. In hindsight, it was THE stupidest thing I've ever done. Lesson learned? Not. I still struggle in relationships because I'm too stubborn to get a grip on my issues.
My advice to you? Stick to your guns and go and get your head space. Until you confront the issues that are going on within YOU, you will never be functional in a relationship. I applaud you and encourage you a million percent to go forth with being on your own for whatever amount of time it takes you to figure yourself out. Until you do that, you will never be ok in a relationship with another.
i can only say that, why do you have to break up with the guy to get some headspace
tell him that you need some time, that's it he will understand it
why does every one think about the present instead of future, don't you want to have a companion when you are old and sick
.....ummmmmm, nope. That wasn't the point at all so I'm not sure how you arrived at that conclusion as to what I was advising. I was basically saying that after many years of poor decision making in relationships that I feel it is imperative for someone to get to know themselves, grow into who they are and then ascertain what they want from there.
"why does every one think about the present instead of future, don't you want to have a companion when you are old and sick"
Many people do think about having someone to grow old with, however, you shouldn't choose a mate at age 22 based on who's going to be around to watch you age and then ultimately die. Who wants to be in a relationship just for the sake of being with someone?? It doesn't behoove me to take up with someone that I dislike and resent just for the sake of having company in my golden years.
Travelling sounds like an amazing adventure for you, and I am pleased that you are making progress with identifying and planning for change.
Have you read Wild by Cheryl Strayed? Its an interesting read about finding yourself, and getting back to being you.
I hope that your journey brings you all that you hope for.
I can relate in that during my 20s and part of my 30s, I found I was dating men who were totally emotionally unavailable or had their own self esteem issues to the point where they just drained me, or repulsed me. At some point, I had a moment of clarity where I thought, I am the problem here. I stopped dating, and I traveled on and off for a year and a half, and it was life changing. Traveling alone, spending time in an evironment where no one knew me, where my past was irrelavant, where I could just take a breath and finally, what felt like, just be myself with no baggage. I never had a moment where I felt lonely or alone, even in solitude, even while sitting on a hill top in the middle of no where watching the sun set. I just finally understood in ways I couldn't before, that I was ok, whether I was with someone or not. Understanding that changed everything.
When I returned home and settled back into my life at home, the changes were remarkable. I felt peace, and I think it made me carry myself differently. I met my husband shortly after that. I think ultimately, I had never been fully available, certainly not emotionally. I was closed off. And now I wasn't.
Travel. Do it.
I grew up with a lot of pain and dysfunction as well and was never able to get a relationship to work... I to picked people who were damaged and hadn't received help.
I'm alone now and there's A LOT to be said for peace of mind ... I'm not lonely for a mate at this point in my life
RE the future.... On one of the other boards a member posted... One foot in the past and another in the future whilst peeing on the present and I know that I have done that far too often....
It's great that you're enjoying the now juneport!!.... You Go Girl!.....xo
Juneport, I would follow rmb 's advice! Find who you are and the rest will follow!! Right now I feel like saying that having a man in your life is not what makes you happy but living your dreams are!
Go for it!
This is such a good share! You are recognizing negative life patterns and growing to change them. Sometimes growing means that we need to have time to explore our feelings, and to heal before we involve others in a personal relationship of a romantic nature. This is a valid choice that lets us "breath" emotionally, and have a chance to see what healthy relationships should look like, instead of "self medicating" with them.
I love that you are reading and learning to break negative cycles and replace them with positive truth! I hope that your travels go well with you, and that you are encouraged in your heart and soul greatly from your new knowledge and experiences. Praying for you. :)
Blessings Friend!