Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I've never really taken the time to figure out if I have a type or what I do or don't want out of a guy in a relationship. I'm a pretty open person, so I've always just given most guys a chance, even when I already had that gut feeling that it just wasn't going to work out. I don't necessarily think that that is a BAD thing, but it's led to some hurt feelings on both sides. Guys that I shouldn't have trusted and did or letting someone believe that I was as into them as they were to me while really plotting on how to get out. I'm in my late 20s now and I've taken stock of some things.
What I do want:
Funny. It's so, so important to laugh. I've dated guys that were so hot it was hard to look straight at them, but they couldn't joke around at all. Making people laugh and laughing with someone can be one of the best bonding experiences you can have.
Smart. I'm educated and well read, so having someone that can "keep up" is necessary. That doesn't mean you have to be a college grad with a genius IQ, but if you have no idea what's going on in the world or need things explained CONSTANTLY, it can be a real drag.
Kind. I try to be sensitive to other people's needs and feelings and I want that returned. Lopsided situations where I'm always making sure the other person is comfortable and happy but they aren't doing the same have definitely happened.
Ability to take care of themselves. Look, everyone hits rough patches, especially in their 20s when they're just starting out, but your entire existence can't be a rough patch. If you have a decent job but you're always on the brink of getting evicted, your car is always busted, and you can't afford anything but ramen...you're doing something wrong.
What I don't want:
Fitness obsessed. I'm about guys taking care of themselves, I take care of myself, but don't talk about your gym routine for hours after you get home. It's more exhausting to listen to than if I had gone myself. I'm glad you went to the gym...your exact weight, reps, how you "crushed" it can go unsaid.
Babying me. I'm an adult. I may do things differently than you do...hell, you may even know a better way...but I've made it this far on my own and I'll be fine. 5+4=9 but so does 6+3. It so often slips into being overly critical or conscending and I don't think some people even notice it. My way isn't wrong, neither is yours.
Drug use. Absolutely not. Don't care if it's recreational or you only do it sometimes with your buddies. I don't want it around me, don't want to deal with someone when they're on something, and don't want to put myself in risky situations that could potentially get me in trouble so you can have some "fun."
Controlling or excessive jealousy. I'm not a cheater. Never have been, never will be. When I say I have to stop at the grocery store...I'm at the damn grocery store. I had an ex that would accused me of cheating if I got home 30 minutes later than usual from work because I had to stop at the bank. Not to mention, that'd be a really fast hookup and probably not worth the while, ya know. I'm also not secretly texting other guys, there's no need to look over my shoulder when I'm on the phone.
Keeping score. You've been wrong, I've been wrong. Bringing it all back up 6 months down the road isn't doing anyone any favors.
Bringing up your past. (Constantly). You have a really crappy ex that you're never going to be all that fond of. So do I. But I'm not the one that hurt you, please don't take it out on me. I am not the same person as your ex. I just have the same physical equipment.
I guess I just had this stuff on my mind and wanted to get it out. It's cool if you don't read it all :). Just another step to finding something healthy and taking the time to acknowledge why some relationships may have failed in the past.
What I do want:
Funny. It's so, so important to laugh. I've dated guys that were so hot it was hard to look straight at them, but they couldn't joke around at all. Making people laugh and laughing with someone can be one of the best bonding experiences you can have.
Smart. I'm educated and well read, so having someone that can "keep up" is necessary. That doesn't mean you have to be a college grad with a genius IQ, but if you have no idea what's going on in the world or need things explained CONSTANTLY, it can be a real drag.
Kind. I try to be sensitive to other people's needs and feelings and I want that returned. Lopsided situations where I'm always making sure the other person is comfortable and happy but they aren't doing the same have definitely happened.
Ability to take care of themselves. Look, everyone hits rough patches, especially in their 20s when they're just starting out, but your entire existence can't be a rough patch. If you have a decent job but you're always on the brink of getting evicted, your car is always busted, and you can't afford anything but ramen...you're doing something wrong.
What I don't want:
Fitness obsessed. I'm about guys taking care of themselves, I take care of myself, but don't talk about your gym routine for hours after you get home. It's more exhausting to listen to than if I had gone myself. I'm glad you went to the gym...your exact weight, reps, how you "crushed" it can go unsaid.
Babying me. I'm an adult. I may do things differently than you do...hell, you may even know a better way...but I've made it this far on my own and I'll be fine. 5+4=9 but so does 6+3. It so often slips into being overly critical or conscending and I don't think some people even notice it. My way isn't wrong, neither is yours.
Drug use. Absolutely not. Don't care if it's recreational or you only do it sometimes with your buddies. I don't want it around me, don't want to deal with someone when they're on something, and don't want to put myself in risky situations that could potentially get me in trouble so you can have some "fun."
Controlling or excessive jealousy. I'm not a cheater. Never have been, never will be. When I say I have to stop at the grocery store...I'm at the damn grocery store. I had an ex that would accused me of cheating if I got home 30 minutes later than usual from work because I had to stop at the bank. Not to mention, that'd be a really fast hookup and probably not worth the while, ya know. I'm also not secretly texting other guys, there's no need to look over my shoulder when I'm on the phone.
Keeping score. You've been wrong, I've been wrong. Bringing it all back up 6 months down the road isn't doing anyone any favors.
Bringing up your past. (Constantly). You have a really crappy ex that you're never going to be all that fond of. So do I. But I'm not the one that hurt you, please don't take it out on me. I am not the same person as your ex. I just have the same physical equipment.
I guess I just had this stuff on my mind and wanted to get it out. It's cool if you don't read it all :). Just another step to finding something healthy and taking the time to acknowledge why some relationships may have failed in the past.
Kids may feel deprived of their parent's attention and spend years and years still seeking it, hoping that they can get that attention and the love they needed all these years. It is all very subconscious.
This young man's father is dead, which means he will NEVER have a chance to have what he wanted from his father.
He doesn't even realize it himself, he is angry and is blaming everyone and anything for his misery.
It is easier said than done, but don't take it personally.
It is not you.