Hi.  I have posted here about my ex, and some of you were so kind to give me great advice and in private messages.  I want to thank everyone for their kind words in posts and private messages.  I am grateful for this group and everyone in this group.

I realized if I hadn't talked to him this time around, I would still have him boxed up in my brain not fully healed.  And what I am saying is about me, not anything geared to him.  I am still shocked I allowed his actions to define my worth all these years, and play victim.  This isn't me, I wasn't like this before I met him.

If I hadn't spoken to him again this year, I wouldn't have gone through all those flashbacks, and not see the repeated behaviors I have had with men was due to our relationship.  I wouldnt be so blocked and in denial and clouded by things, all these years, and even present.  I bargained alot with myself and some of you heard that bargaining.  Yet at the same time, the closure I needed came from within me on who he really is.  And I can honestly say now I feel bad for him, and myself.  And I can honestly say I woke up to heal from that relationship.  From the man who wanted to marry me, from the man I loved so much.

I see now how all these years without him I forgot how to love myself, my self worth etc.  I allowed my worth to be defined by him and his actions, which carried over into other relationships.  Him coming back into my life was a blessing to wake me up, and i cannot thank God enough for that.

My story after we broke up, was mostly building back everything tangible I lost.  From working up in my company to getting a house, having a child.  (I'm not married, never was)  and I never saw it reached a point where i should be grateful.  God gave me 3 times more than what I lost in 2009.  

Journaling has helped me tremendously to write it all out.  Lighting a candle daily thanking God for waking me up and allowing me to heal now.  And finding again where i am grateful for the life I built without him.  A life he doesn't have himself.

  I will never know why he has to lie and manipulate.  But except that he doesn't love himself and therfore you can't love someone if you can't love you first.  He cannot be alone, which is why he is still with his g/f after all these years and lied about it.  He said he had hoped we would get back together.  But I wasn't over him first time around, and you can't build a relationship on lies.    And I feel lonely myself and was hopeful it can happen again, because to me he was the love of my life.   I did realize I still love him and have feelings for him, but he hasnt changed and I cannot control that.   I realized the love for him was unconditional, so therfore i will let him go.  I will not subject myself to this behavior of his anymore, and most importantly do this to myself again.  So I walked away again and have been processing ever since then.  I'm working on things for me right now.  Because I see where my worth and love for myself lays.  I see now he doesn't define me and never has.  I see now why I felt blocked all these years subconsciously.  

I do see parts of me coming back, and I couldn't be more grateful for that.  My views on things have changed, and like I said "i woke up"  i no longer feel I'm not enough, because honestly I am.  And I can honestly say I don't feel lonely right now.  

I am also so grateful I have learned how to move past him, and may always have a place for him in my heart, and i can honestly say I'm no longer angry, and I hope he gets the help he needs.  And I look forward to building the best version of me for myself and for my daughter.