Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Fighting

Ghostwolf04
Ghostwolf04

My live in bf of 1.5 years and I got into a bit of a fight this morning. I say fight but really it was just me. We never have full blown fights and arguments because he is laid back and understanding. We are usually good at communicating. He has a lot of good points. He just has one bad one. He has an addictive personality and he tries to hide it from me. It scares me how easy it is for him to lie to me. This morning I snooped thru his phone and found he was making plans again to meet up with a drug dealer when he told me he was hanging with friends from work. I had been so proud of him for making friends with people here who seem nice and even peer pressured him to quit smoking again after he briefly picked the habit back up last month. He went to the doctor and got put on anxiety meds. He acts better and sleeping better. He even has been drinking less and more responsibly. I was so disappointed when I saw he was talking to that guy again asking to buy weed. It is illegal where we live so the people he has to buy it from are questionable individuals who also deal in methamphetamines and worse. I don't want him around that. The law is really cracking down on drugs here, there are raids in the news every day. I explained to my bf that if he gets arrested in a raid I am not getting him out of jail and our life together is over. He needs to get his priorities straight. I feel like I am being cheated on with drugs. We barely ever have sex because he has low drive anyway and the weed makes it worse. I told him this. Unfortunately I also said this morning "I fucking hate you. I thought you were better but you're still a liar." I just got so mad. I have a very bad temper and I hate drugs. I was involved in the dare program all thru school. If I knew he smoked pot when we first met I would not have gotten serious. He knew that so he hid it from me. It's hard for me to forgive and forget. In every other way he is a really good boyfriend. Of course I told him a few mins later I don't really hate him. He said it's fine and that he will keep trying to be better and not lie to me. I just feel kinda shitty.

Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Is he getting any support for addiction?.... NA or AA might be a good support for him and NarAnon might be a good support for you

Trying to control him will end up causing you both problems in the long run.... You end up in a mothering roll and that's no good when it's your partner ....

You'll resent each other at some point IMHO

I'm sorry you've been hurt and lied to...... This is what people who struggle with addiction do.... It's part of the illness..

I would get some help for yourself moving forward in order to cope and gain support and decide what you want to do for you if he decides not to get sober

. Big hug.......xo
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Info on Naranon

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nar-Anon
Ghostwolf04
Ghostwolf04
I know I do feel like his mother sometimes and he acts like a kid. I know it's because his mother wasn't a mother figure in his life at all. He wants to be with a mothering partner and he does love me. His friends, my mom and I are his only support system. There are A A meetings at a church in our county but nothing else. We are not churchgoers so feel uncomfortable going there. I just wish I hadn't said I hated him. That was mean. I find analogies work well on him. I told him look at it this way. If I started saying i was going to the gym once a week with some girls from work and he later found out we were at a bar, he would feel similar to how I feel.
jojored
jojored
Why not give Alanon or Naranon a try - at least just one session to see what they're all about? When I was going through my divorce, I went to a few DivorceCare sessions at a church. I am not religious in the least, and felt funny at the first meeting, but you don't have to be religious to take something away from these kinds of meetings. No one cares if you don't attend services, or what religion your practice or don't practice. The focus is on the addiction, not your religion. What do you have to lose? Look at the clarity and understanding your just might gain.....
Ghostwolf04
Ghostwolf04
But I'm not an alcoholic. They don't have other meetings.
rmb
rmb
You are not an alcoholic but when you are in a relationship with an alcoholic or substance abuser, you become part of the dysfunction. You change who you are simply by being in a relationship with a substance abuser or alcoholic. Groups like alanon and naranon can be a tremendous means of support for you. I know alanon has on line meetings.

I think it’s interesting you say “WE are not church goers so feel uncomfortable going there. “ There is no WE with AA. It would be for him, about him and independent of you. This is part of the problem, that he has no real independence.

I don’t believe he is a good boyfriend as you say. It’s like you try to convince yourself of that. It’s impossible to be a good partner when you lie to your partner, when drugs are your priority, when you allow your girlfriend to carry the entire load in the relationship knowing she is also the care taker for her mother. He can never be a good boyfriend because he’s not even good to himself.
Ghostwolf04
Ghostwolf04
You're right but the alternative is I dump him and have to get a second job and go back to either being alone the next few years or go out whoring around in bars. I say he is a good bf because we don't fight all the time and he never tells me I'm fat or stupid. It just seems like the only guys out there for me are the shovanists or the addicts. Never met anyone between. Don't know if it's my personality or because they don't exist but I really have to question if breaking up with him is worth being sick with lonliness and STDs the rest of my life.
refurb
refurb
you accept that your boyfriend hid who he really was from you
and you stay with because you'd have to get a second job
wow
how do you think things will turn out other than bad
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Naranon is or Alanon is for the families and loved one of addicts not for the addicts

It deals with enabling and codependence and they are great support groups.....xo
jojored
jojored
There is a really huge middle ground in that expanse of being alone to being a bar whore. Maybe you're just not mixing with the type of people who are ..... decent? I saw you post on another site that I was interested in, nutrition and exercise (or something along those lines). I know a lot of people find relationships in the gym, or on the track, or in running clubs. I think you're really underestimating your own self worth, and it's got you thinking that what you have is what you deserve. That's just not the case. You come across as pretty intelligent, well written, have good interpersonal abilities, you're young and if that's you in your photo you're so damn cute! I think you need to reach out and widen your circle of people and interests. Build up your self confidence. You deserve as much given to you in a relationship as you give. That's not happening with this BF. A second job would suck, for sure, could you get a tenant? There are other options. Options that could be looked at as opportunities for happiness and peace.
rmb
rmb
That you see your life as either whoring or lonely is sad beyond words. Surely you know there’s more than that. You are young, pretty, smart and caring. Don’t settle out of fear being alone. That never goes well.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I agree with what others have written about confidence sweetie..... Getting some help for yourself might be a wonderful gift to you.....If you're able to I would look into therapy? Perhaps??

I personally don't think at this point if you love him and want to try and work it out that you just need to leave him

However I think you do need help re addiction..... That's why I suggested support groups for yourself and your boyfriend has to help himself if he wants to conquer this huge beast.... It's a really devastating illness (if he's an addict) and it is traumatizing to families and loved ones

However it's treatable if one wants to plug into treatment but you can't do it for him.... He has to do it for himself

I hope for your sake you will get some family support from Alanon or Naranon..... They're wonderful groups and they're free

It's wonderful that he's seeking some help .... and I hope that he succeeds
earthling1
earthling1
oh honey, i feel for you. this is a hard position to be in and he's putting you in it. he should quit for you, but it might take him time. in the meantime, try to remember it's not personal towards you, it's an addiction, which is a disease with a mind of its own. That does not mean it's not his responsibility to quit, though. Try making a deal with yourself, figure out your limits. Can you be with him if he smokes another year? when will it be too much
urbangardener
urbangardener
Life with an addict or substance abuser is chaos. You are now in the role of parent to this man. Is there an element of control on your part that attracts you to this guy, he allows you to be in control of things because he is busy partying and lying to you. Yes, addicts or substance abusers lie. Period. Is this the relationship that you want? You give us very black and white thinking which is false, its not either be in this relationship or have to work two jobs and be a whore.
Osheana
Osheana
Okay its like this----- it seems your young and within that realm alone is your
ability to tolerate the garbage in life on the side of the road. Question yourself.
You care and have feelings for him so this will get in the way and it always does
of your better judgement.Fast forward a decade into the future- you have prospered a bit in life and you look back and can never imagine yourself in the
situation you are in now, then.Picture your advanced, matured self having a conversation with your younger self.How would that convo go?. If you have the
patience and time for groups by all means go- Here's how it works for people raised on the islands -Chalk it up get your ---- in order or yes you will get the
second little job and concentrate on yourself- while buddy gets his life in order- You want dealers at your door? A split from him is a shortcut to his
Sober moment, I get it moment- Maybe you can relocate to a trusted family
or friends pad before getting a second job since it would be tempo.Good luck but tough love is needed here.
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