Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Long story short.
My fiancee and I own a home, and a newer car. We have a 14 month old daughter. Recentley my mat leave ran out and I have been looking for a job. I have a heart condition that limits me in what I can do, but I'm having a hard time finding one regardless. So as of now I bring in 0 income.
Now, I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the laundry, all the caring for our daughter, all the pet care(we have 2 dogs, 2 ferrets, and some fish). I keep the vehicle clean. I do the shopping(stretching a dollar as thin as can be) I make the appointments. He goes to work, comes home, plays video games until supper, eats, then watches TV and plays with our daughter a bit, showers, packs his lunch(and he's often upset that I won't do that for him) then goes to bed.
Recentley he has started to make alot of comments about how I don't contribute to the household financially so I shouldn't have as much say in things as he does. For instance, we want to paint some rooms, when I suggest a colour he says 'why should you choose, it's not like your paying for it.'
I've sat him down an told him how I feel. He tells me he's sorry, he doesn't realize he's doing it, and that I shouldn't take it so hard. Then ten minutes later he's at it again.
He treats me like I'm not half of the relationship, like maybe I'm not even a quarter. And he flys off the handle if I ask him to do anything. I have been asking him to take out the trash for me for over two weeks now, there are three bags sitting on the deck as I don't want to cave and just do it for him. If I ask him to switch the laundry while he's downstairs showering he tells me laundry is my job as he works. I work too! And I don't get a break! I'm up half hour after him and I get to bed three or four hours later. Plus, I don't get weekends off.
I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to do with him anymore. I gave him an ultimatum about a month ago and told him he had to work on some things or we are leaving. But first I need a job to make that threat even seem realistic!
I guess my long story short turned into a long story long.
My fiancee and I own a home, and a newer car. We have a 14 month old daughter. Recentley my mat leave ran out and I have been looking for a job. I have a heart condition that limits me in what I can do, but I'm having a hard time finding one regardless. So as of now I bring in 0 income.
Now, I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the laundry, all the caring for our daughter, all the pet care(we have 2 dogs, 2 ferrets, and some fish). I keep the vehicle clean. I do the shopping(stretching a dollar as thin as can be) I make the appointments. He goes to work, comes home, plays video games until supper, eats, then watches TV and plays with our daughter a bit, showers, packs his lunch(and he's often upset that I won't do that for him) then goes to bed.
Recentley he has started to make alot of comments about how I don't contribute to the household financially so I shouldn't have as much say in things as he does. For instance, we want to paint some rooms, when I suggest a colour he says 'why should you choose, it's not like your paying for it.'
I've sat him down an told him how I feel. He tells me he's sorry, he doesn't realize he's doing it, and that I shouldn't take it so hard. Then ten minutes later he's at it again.
He treats me like I'm not half of the relationship, like maybe I'm not even a quarter. And he flys off the handle if I ask him to do anything. I have been asking him to take out the trash for me for over two weeks now, there are three bags sitting on the deck as I don't want to cave and just do it for him. If I ask him to switch the laundry while he's downstairs showering he tells me laundry is my job as he works. I work too! And I don't get a break! I'm up half hour after him and I get to bed three or four hours later. Plus, I don't get weekends off.
I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to do with him anymore. I gave him an ultimatum about a month ago and told him he had to work on some things or we are leaving. But first I need a job to make that threat even seem realistic!
I guess my long story short turned into a long story long.
He needs to understand that even though you aren't bringing in money, your time is worth something. An employer would pay you for this work and you're doing it for you--the two of you and your daughter--for free! You're taking care of house and home to support the family and he's bringing in money to support the family. Equal jobs. It should be "shared" money like it is a "shared " home.
Tell him welcome to this century ... your time and hard work are just as valuable as his.
"accidentally" break his stupid pos video gaming consoles. Not like they do anyone any good in the first place.
1. I do get time off. At least, LEAST, once a week he takes her out for about three hours so I can get me time. Plus I am allowed to go out for coffee and such with my best friend when I want without the baby.
2. I am being treated like dirt. But it's only been 2 months out of almost 5 years that he's been doing it.
3. He works, but he has had a kidney transplant. Any day his kidney could fail. And I have a heart condition that prohibits me from some jobs and from ever getting my license. So either of us could end up with all the responsibilities.
4. I have no skills now! I dropped out of college while upgrading my sciences in the hopes of obtaining a degree in optometry to raise my then 13 year old neice. I was 23. I gave up my hopes of garnering any skills that would aide me in the future the day I resigned. I love being with my daughter, and I think that if I wanted a career, then I would be hooped. But really, you need the skills of a drunk monkey to do most jobs. :)
5. If I get upset when he calls it his money, rightfully I couldn't work and then get the satisfaction of my money. It would be our money, just like I am trying to demand he do.
6. I do get me time as I said before.
7. All men have the ability, and often exhibit, to be a prick. Gotta say, mine is more often then not lately, but I'm not ready to toss 5 years down the drain.
I play the game system too! LOL, I'm sort of a geek when I get the time, so I wouldn't want to break it. But I sure would like a job that was fantastic! All the jobs I have ever had have been either serving or customer service. Seriously, I'm sick of kissing ass, but I'm great at the serving bit! But like I said, because of my heart my jobs are limited.
I just want him to open his eyes and not be such a douche lately. Sometimes I wonder what would of happened if I'd never answered the phone after the first date!
I understand that you are not bringing in any money but you are doing a lot of work to contribute to the household. It just agravates me to no end when people treat each other with disrespect like this.
I am sorry you have to go through this but I wish you well and hope things get better. Do I think he needs to help you.... DAMN STRAIGHT!!!! You tell him I said so !!! :P
I eventually also had to give up both other jobs and get a daytime job as she also has ADD and ODD plus she has a ton of behavioral issues. Her mother was a crack addict and she saw alot she shouldn't of. He was so supportive then. And we were basically raising a child, just like we are now, except she was older. KC couldn't be left unattended as she did things like cut herself, or start fires, so she would come to my work after school and hang out for three hours until I was done. It was tough, but we couldn't afford a babysitter.
And now it's sort of the same boat. If I go to work though it needs to be in the evenings as if I work in the day all my wages will have to go to someone to care for our daughter. And I have no problems getting a part time job. I've been working to pay bills since I was 12. It's just hard right now and he doesn't seem to get that. Instead he feels angry and taken advantage of.
I do think his parents have something to do with it. He was raised that if the man can't provide and the woman has to work, then the man is a failure. But at the same time, if he has to work two jobs then the woman is lazy. Like WTH? Sort of conflicting reasonings.
I'm just feeling tired and picked on lately. And the money stress isn't helping. We have obliterated our savings just making our bills and I know he feels frusterated, I wish he would see that I do too!
After listening to your domestic home situation, I'm thinking...whew! I could do for a little less stress! I gotta get out of this house and go to work!
Maybe an emotional support site is not the answer, but a financial planner and career counselor! Help you guys figure out a way to beat the time-versus-money conundrum that plagues so many families these days.
Second, I want to say that you shouldn't throw in the ultimatum factor unless you seriously want out. It doesn't sound like you do. While he is acting like a jerk, is this really something you would divorce someone over? When you took your vows, was this a deal-breaker? I acknowledge that people weigh marriage differently, but I do believe that people these days are willing to divorce over practically anything.
Last, all you can do at this point is do what you've been doing. If YOU know that you're contributing way more than half, in my opinion, to the family, then that should be good enough. He can act like a jerk all he wants, but if you are doing the right thing he's eventually going to feel bad and possibly start changing. OR he's going to continue being a jerk, you're going to really resent him, not want to touch him and be around him as a result, and the relationship will truly be ruined, but not on account of you. Give it your all, communicate with him as you are, but nicely, and if things still go south, well you can always say to yourself, I did everything I could. At the very least it will buy you some time to find a job that will work with your heart issue.
Babysitting - $75.00 a week
Cleaning - $100.00 a week (that is only 5 days, you are supposed to have the weekends off)
Cooking - Only Dinner( $20.00 per day, if he wants all of the other meals add $15.00)
Laundry Service - $25.00
OK, so that is roughly $300.00, tell him that this is the amount that you bring home by doing all that you are doing right now, if he thinks that you do not do anything, then he needs to stay home and do what you do and see how he likes them bananas! Put it in writing, he might get it then.....