Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi everyone.
Anyone talk to their partners (or ex's) about concerns and just get zero or minimal response back - as if your talking to a wall?
I was just talking to my boyfriend, who's been away for a while. I was explaining to him how hard it's been for me... the challenges of basically being a single mom and all that's involved in taking care of our 20 month old daughter, and the toll it takes on me (lack of sleep, how my time is consumed, minimal support, etc.), and I received no empathy or compassion whatsoever back.
I find this kind of (lack of) response frustrating because I don't know if I've been heard or really cared about. Even though I know he cares and tries to do as much as he can when he's around, there's a total lack of empathy from him when I talk about my challenges, even though recently we've just reconciled our relationship and have been discussing the issue of listening and feeling acknowledged... I don't really get it - his response.
Anyone else go through similar situations?
I'm trying not to react with frustration and anger, and have also discussed with him before about feeling that my needs are being neglected, yet a response like this when I talk to him... I honestly don't know what to think about it or what to do anymore. I thought that because we recently talked about not feeling listened to would create some changes, but it's not happening at his end, even though I'm making changes.
Any feedback would be great. Thanks.
Anyone talk to their partners (or ex's) about concerns and just get zero or minimal response back - as if your talking to a wall?
I was just talking to my boyfriend, who's been away for a while. I was explaining to him how hard it's been for me... the challenges of basically being a single mom and all that's involved in taking care of our 20 month old daughter, and the toll it takes on me (lack of sleep, how my time is consumed, minimal support, etc.), and I received no empathy or compassion whatsoever back.
I find this kind of (lack of) response frustrating because I don't know if I've been heard or really cared about. Even though I know he cares and tries to do as much as he can when he's around, there's a total lack of empathy from him when I talk about my challenges, even though recently we've just reconciled our relationship and have been discussing the issue of listening and feeling acknowledged... I don't really get it - his response.
Anyone else go through similar situations?
I'm trying not to react with frustration and anger, and have also discussed with him before about feeling that my needs are being neglected, yet a response like this when I talk to him... I honestly don't know what to think about it or what to do anymore. I thought that because we recently talked about not feeling listened to would create some changes, but it's not happening at his end, even though I'm making changes.
Any feedback would be great. Thanks.
Thanks for your feedback. It is such a good point, and so true when I think about it.
Sometimes though, I feel that if I bring up the issue of not getting a response from him, he does it (or should I say, doesn't) even more.
This is a tough one for women to ask & men to understand:
Try saying, what you'd like him to say, that would make you feel better. Add what that it would mean to you.
It takes practice, though. Good Luck.
I have been working on improving my end of relating to him also, as well as I did let him know about my concern, and asked if he would be more helpful to me by acknowledging my communications to him. And today I was discussing concerns about my situation, and his feedback was of caring and a willingness to do what he could to help...
So, with him being away (he left today), I emailed him and thanked him for his efforts in our above conversation, and he thanked me for my email and said it was nice getting a nice email for a change.... This just put me right back into a slump because I've been working hard to make my interactions positive and supportive of him... and I feel like those efforts have just went out the window.
When your partner is gone alot it is hard on both of you, we all deal with it differently, maybe his way of dealing with it is shutting off and when he comes home he doesnt know how to turn the emotions back on. My husband was a trucker when we met, we spent some time apart. I had to reassure him often to let him know i loved him and missed him.
Also, try waiting a day or so if you are able to then tell him you need to vent. Then go on to tell him how you feel about being a "single" spouse. That way he isnt confronted with it right when he gets home.
best of luck to you :)
I think there was some confusion though - I mentioned that he said it was nice to get a nice email for a change (not just an email). Yet I've been sending positive emails for some time now. We recently reconciled and I've been working hard at interacting with him in positive and supportive ways... thus my confustion when he said it was nice getting a nice email for a change.
I feel I've been the one making most of the efforts in reaching out emotionally, but to be honest I'm getting tired of being the supportive one in that area. We are in contact everyday, and I do make a point of letting him know he's appreciated and loved. Unfortunately, I feel my needs are at the bottom of the list. I have talked to him about it (yesterday), and he showed a willingness to help. But you said it well Kristi when you mentioned my being a "single" partner - it's been that way since my daughter was born for almost 2 years ago (20 months). I know he's also going through a lot in his life right now, however, I feel like, what about me...?
I guess part of my problem too right now is that he gets angry whenever I bring up a concern, and then he shuts down and becomes emotionally unavailable for what feels like forever. That's when I really feel like I'm talking to a wall... he's like a stone wall even when I'm just jibber jabbering about everyday stuff. I get minimal responses and don't even feel like I'm talking to a real person.
He suffers from depression, and is working on it (which helps to explain things I'm sure, because it's a characteristic to hold things inside).
He gets mad because he feels blamed for things all the time. But to be honest his life is in turmoil, which is a reflection of how he's handled things.
Given that, I still try and look at areas I'm responsible for our problems (i.e trying to handle my interactions with him in a nonblaming way, etc.). But to be honest, I really do shake my head at his actions so much of the time (like the topic I posted, "Is it just me?").
We've communicated about all this stuff before. I'm trying hard to hang in there, but I'm finding myself unhappy just sharing my daily events with him because, as my topic says, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I don't know what to do anymore.
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Men are fixers and women want to ventilate. So when men give advice, we are not willing to hear it or ready to act on the advice. So the problem keeps re-resurfacing until the men shuts down. I went to a workshop and they actually used the word, we "emasculate' the men. We disempowered them. So they stone-walled us the next time we speak.
Try to articulate your needs differently. If you want to ventilate, state that upfront that you're not looking for advice. Or better yet, ventilate with your girlfriends.
If you actually want him to paticipate or get involved, ask for a specific action and be logical, like,"I need 4 hours to work on the roof this weekend. Can you be here by noon so that I can start work on the roof then?"
Remember to be appreciative and kind with each other. Just notice the difference in the communication style and the way we hear each other.
He is not ignoring you but showing his frustration with you when he felt that you're NOT hearing him too. He wants to be needed. But don't turn it into a whining session. Ask for specific action and don't lay the blame game or take the accusing tone.
He's told me that very thing... that he doesn't feel heard (either). So, I have been working on my communication - the way I relate to him.
I recently realized that I've been relating to him in a way that makes him feel blamed for everything (even though it wasn't my intention to come across that way). And I've been working on changing the way I relate to him now.
Also, what I do now before I express a concern to him is vent by journaling first - to get the frustration or emotional part out of the way. Then I can sort out logically how to approach the situation.
I also like the idea you mentioned about being more specific about what I want from him (vs just complain about something), and I'll definitely try that. I think its a great idea, and I think he could relate to it better.
Thanks so much. Your input helped to confirm areas I've been focusing on (like an affirmation that I'm at the very least on the right track).
Is there any literature available by the people who did the workshop you went to? Or a website I could check out? Because the info you talk about is very true to my situation.
Thanks again.
During arguments, my boyfriend gets this "zone out" face and basically he doesn't hear a word. It drives me NUTS! Sometimes when I'm done talking, he will accuse me of "yapping my beak" which always further fuels the fight. I always feel like he is so disrespectful when he isn't listening to me- I would never dishonor him like that.