Healthy Relationships Support Group
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This is my first time doing anything like this. I usually pride myself on being a strong person. Yet, at the moment I am falling apart. I have read some of the entries on this site and peoples advice and knowlege seem to sooth the pain a little. So whithout further a do, this is my story.
I am currently deployed to Iraq and have been here for about 3 months now. I have been deployed before so I am used to the trials and tribulations that go along with being married and deployed. Or so I thought my last deployment and now this one. I have been married for just over 3 years now and I love my wife with everything I am. I have not been the best husband I must say. When we first got married I had a pretty bad drinking problem. Though my wife seemed to understand and was more than willing to help me over come. During our first year of marrige I would lie to her on occasion that after golfing or whatever I would hang out with my one friend. Except I would go over to my other buddies house and drink beer for a few hours then go home. She found out the few times I had done this and I openly admitted to my faults. We worked through it. My last deployment we almost separated because I thought I needed to take a few days and re-evaluate myself as a step father and a husband. My wife took this as me wanting to leave her. I fought tooth and nail to keep ahold of my wife and to not let our marrige fall apart. After I got home she came a week later and we worked through our issues. Since then I have lie a few times again about drinking and regret every time I did. We also worked through that. Now for where I am at today. I believe in marrige and what is all about. The truth to it if you will. I have made mistakes in my marrige, I have change evrything that I once was, good and bad, to ensure that my wife was happy and loved me. I have never been unfaithful to my wife and never will be. I love her to much and my step daughter to put them through something like that. I dont think I could live with myself if I did. Before I met my wife I was going to lose my rank due to me testing positive for drugs. (which I have never taken or done again) I chose not to tell her when we met because what girl would want to date a guy who is about to get in trouble for using drugs. I know I wouldnt. There was something about her that I knew I had to have. I fell in love with her the first time I heard her voice. I still feel the same way.
I recieved a email this week from a friend telling me that my wife asked him if he knew me before I got in trouble. And that my friends wife back home had decided that before they leave to germany that it would be best to tell my wife why I got in trouble. I have spent the last few years knowing that I needed to tell my wife, but I just couldnt figure out how to. So now my wife doesnt know if she loves or wants to be with me anymore. I know I have messed up and made some bad decissions in our marrige. I take blame for my failing marrige. Me and my wife are completely different people. She is very abrasive and I do everything I can to see the lighter side of things. She always seems to focus on the negative. She used to not be like that. My wife has a tendency to say things to me that are hurtfull and kind of evil. I feel that its not her its just her frustration with me. there is alot about me and my wife that Im willing to explain but, it could take a long time and I think I already might have dragged this all on. Its just that my heart feels broken that I might lose my wife and step daughter. I love them so so much, but when my wife tells me that I have been the one holding her back and its always been about me and that prior to our marrige she had plans to move out to her mothers and start over there. It all makes me wonder how long has she had these thoughts. Have I been fighting to keep my marrige alive all while loving a person that resents me for taking her away from her mother. I am utterly confused and I really dont know what to think anymore. I do blame myself for all of this even though I know I have been a wonderful husband aside the few mistakes I have made. Plus being deployed here in Iraq and not being able to talk to my wife face to face is devistating me every moment. I thank you for reading my message and I do feel a bit better getting some of this off my chest. But, I know the anxiety attacks will come in waves again. Please feel free to ask any questions or comment on this. I am truly falling apart and I dont know what to do. Any help will be a god send for sure.
Thank you all!
I am currently deployed to Iraq and have been here for about 3 months now. I have been deployed before so I am used to the trials and tribulations that go along with being married and deployed. Or so I thought my last deployment and now this one. I have been married for just over 3 years now and I love my wife with everything I am. I have not been the best husband I must say. When we first got married I had a pretty bad drinking problem. Though my wife seemed to understand and was more than willing to help me over come. During our first year of marrige I would lie to her on occasion that after golfing or whatever I would hang out with my one friend. Except I would go over to my other buddies house and drink beer for a few hours then go home. She found out the few times I had done this and I openly admitted to my faults. We worked through it. My last deployment we almost separated because I thought I needed to take a few days and re-evaluate myself as a step father and a husband. My wife took this as me wanting to leave her. I fought tooth and nail to keep ahold of my wife and to not let our marrige fall apart. After I got home she came a week later and we worked through our issues. Since then I have lie a few times again about drinking and regret every time I did. We also worked through that. Now for where I am at today. I believe in marrige and what is all about. The truth to it if you will. I have made mistakes in my marrige, I have change evrything that I once was, good and bad, to ensure that my wife was happy and loved me. I have never been unfaithful to my wife and never will be. I love her to much and my step daughter to put them through something like that. I dont think I could live with myself if I did. Before I met my wife I was going to lose my rank due to me testing positive for drugs. (which I have never taken or done again) I chose not to tell her when we met because what girl would want to date a guy who is about to get in trouble for using drugs. I know I wouldnt. There was something about her that I knew I had to have. I fell in love with her the first time I heard her voice. I still feel the same way.
I recieved a email this week from a friend telling me that my wife asked him if he knew me before I got in trouble. And that my friends wife back home had decided that before they leave to germany that it would be best to tell my wife why I got in trouble. I have spent the last few years knowing that I needed to tell my wife, but I just couldnt figure out how to. So now my wife doesnt know if she loves or wants to be with me anymore. I know I have messed up and made some bad decissions in our marrige. I take blame for my failing marrige. Me and my wife are completely different people. She is very abrasive and I do everything I can to see the lighter side of things. She always seems to focus on the negative. She used to not be like that. My wife has a tendency to say things to me that are hurtfull and kind of evil. I feel that its not her its just her frustration with me. there is alot about me and my wife that Im willing to explain but, it could take a long time and I think I already might have dragged this all on. Its just that my heart feels broken that I might lose my wife and step daughter. I love them so so much, but when my wife tells me that I have been the one holding her back and its always been about me and that prior to our marrige she had plans to move out to her mothers and start over there. It all makes me wonder how long has she had these thoughts. Have I been fighting to keep my marrige alive all while loving a person that resents me for taking her away from her mother. I am utterly confused and I really dont know what to think anymore. I do blame myself for all of this even though I know I have been a wonderful husband aside the few mistakes I have made. Plus being deployed here in Iraq and not being able to talk to my wife face to face is devistating me every moment. I thank you for reading my message and I do feel a bit better getting some of this off my chest. But, I know the anxiety attacks will come in waves again. Please feel free to ask any questions or comment on this. I am truly falling apart and I dont know what to do. Any help will be a god send for sure.
Thank you all!
I just want to make sure, you haven't told her about why you go in trouble? I think if you haven't the best thing to do is to be open and honest with her about everything. This is the decent, and right thing to do by her. I can't say what might happen after, but she knows there's something your not being completely honest with her and her mind will go racking for an answer.
Everyone has their faults, and I hope that you and your wife will be able to look past the negative, change to solve the problems, and always remember the positive aspects of your relationship together. I would also like to say thank you for your bravery and service to us all!
I told my wife about why I got in trouble the other day, before she had a chance to bring it to my attention. I know I was wrong for not telling her but, when I met her I didnt think it would be the best thing to say right away. Once I told her that I was sorry for everything she lost it. She brought up all the stuff we worked through that I did wrong. Mind you my wife has had her faults as well but, I think I have been to easy and just let it all go past me. Things she has said since monday have been extremely hurtfull. Its not the same wife I know and married. I blame myself for alot of the wrongs in our relationship but Ive always been the one to change for whatever makes her happy. I miss the woman I fell in love with and am still in love with. Who she is now doesnt seem to be that person. Then again it could be me that just shut down and left her behind without even knowing it. I dont want to blame either of us, I just want my wife back and to not feel this pain anymore.
Considering what you boys witness over there, living in constant fear and danger, my thinking is that "a few beers with a buddy" is not out of line. Problem is, of course, when a few leads to a couple cases, and so on.
Your wife is probably experiencing the same combat fatigue you are, and dealing with these long stretches of deployment, and the loneliness that ensues, to no end, it seems. She should be frustrated with the U.S. government, not you.
Wish I had something else positive, man. God bless ya.
I know she is tired of my deployments. I am too. Thinking of the love I have for her is what keeps my head up over here. Now that love I have is there but, I feel there is no mutual feeling. She continues to send me emails that hurt and shake the very core of me. The person that is saying these things is not the wife I married or even the person I once knew. It breaks my heart everyday that she feels I have not put anything into this relationship. I have change my whole life for her. The good and the bad, yes I have made mistakes. She feels that she has been the only one who changed. She tells me that she had big plans before we got married and that I have taken her away from those. That shit hurts. I married my wife for the love I had for her and because I wanted to have a better life with a person I could share it with. I found that in her. I wouldnt change that for anything. I would do it all over again without question.