Hugs my friend, you got that right. Focus on yourself, today, now. For that is all we have.

I saw this girl TikTok I cannot remember her name but she explained the whole “ if he wanted to he would “ she said people have levels and you need to find someone that matches your level or close to it and it was the biggest helped I’ve ever gotten … reminded me of my past relationships realizing it wasn’t me we just weren’t on the same levels…

The biggest lie we women tell ourselves "It will change once we are married."

When I got married at 24, I thought things would change. At 36, after my divorce, I was engaged, but wasn't going to say "I do" until things did change. They didn't.

At 39, I found a man who didn't need changing. Still in love with him (and married to him) 20 years later.

I think we should have certain basic expectations, like I expect to be treated with respect. I expect transparency. I expect not being lied to or cheated on. I expect to not have drugs and alcohol become a problem. So I think some expectations are necessary. Otherwise, we settle and people will just treat us like garbage because we expect nothing better. So to me, having that established before the relationship really starts is kind of critical.

But I think there are other kinds of expectations that set us up for real disappointment. Like expecting people to change or try to be just like us or to be in the same place emotionally or mentally as us. So in that sense, managing expectations is important. Most people show us exactly who they are all the time. We just don’t pay attention or we don’t believe it. Or we think that the love will be enough to over come it or that each other will change. It so rarely happens. I think sometimes it’s even deeper than if a person wanted to change, they would. Sometimes, I think it’s more about if the person knew how, knew better, they would.

I am married to someone who is very different from me and I think what keeps the train on the track is affection and a sense of companionship, and having a few important things we share an interest in. But otherwise, it’s a challenge to find common ground; it comes down to accepting each of us as we are. I don’t look to change him and he doesn’t look to change me. We have separate things we enjoy and accept that it’s ok to be independent as well as together. It’s hardly perfect and some days, I think, ugh this is bananas but it has ultimately worked so far.

Acceptance brings peace and I think peace brings clarity. So to me, that’s a beautiful thing whatever happens in the relationship.

I think you're referring to gratitude, when you are grateful you are willing to accept both your needs met and unmet needs.

However, it is taxing when it is costing your own peace of mind and sanity. Accommodating someone for prolonged unmet expectations is stressful.

Ultimately, independent happiness and harmony are the way the spirit goes about life.

Hi. I agree. So tired....

Radical acceptance of ourselves, of others, of the world can allow us to function more healthily. It is so wise that you recognize the fallacy in “he will change after we marry”. I’ve actually heard this is part of codependency in that we want to change this person as a sign of our own goodness, power, control over the world. If he’s like our mom or dad in behavioral issues or thinking, the theory is we want to create a “do-over” to make the world go right according to our needs and expectations. I think about this aspect at times in my life. Trying to recreate perfection when no human is perfect. But I want affection and respect from a partner. I want to be accepted and valued. I have a huge issue with being rejected as not worthy or good enough and I often bring this into my life I am seeing.