Practice on yourself at first. Look yourself in the mirror and say to yourself, "No!"

I don't think of negotiation as a negative thing. I think of it as a way of resolving an issue that is mutually acceptable to everyone involved. That's a good thing to me. Hell we need to do more negotiating!

I think in relationships people have their personal non negotiables, like for me, they'd be no cheating, substance abuse, physical/emotional abuse, etc. But really my husband and I do quite a bit of negotiating. Otherwise, given he has a very underdeveloped idea of compromise, he'd try to run the entire show, and dictate everything and well, that ain't happening on my watch.

I compromise a lot, because most things aren't so important to me that I must be right or have it my way. With the things that are important to me, I'm firm. But my husband knows that already so he doesn't push those things with me.

As far as how to not lose your temper, well, don't. I mean, you can control that. Things and people don't force us to lose our temper. We just kind of let ourselves go there, right? So don't let yourself go there. Take a walk, engage in something else, do the count to ten before opening your mouth thing, jump rope, whatever it is that helps you bring things down a bit. I have a temper if pushed hard and long enough. So I get it. But I try to just control myself . I know that sounds like not a great answer, except that's the answer, ha ha! That, and I try to understand what it is that is making me so mad, is it the negotiation, or is it the frustration, is it the person I'm dealing with, is it the subject matter, is it because I need to be right, or is it because it truly means something to me. Nine times out of ten, it's frustration based for me. If I know what's driving it, it's easier for me to get a grip.

Are you negotiating for the betterment of the relationship or are you settling for the sake of having a relationship?

Thanks, people.

Texi: The betterment of the relationship. Unfortunately, there's no technical standard for how to define "better", except the satisfaction of our emotions, souls and egos. We're learning as we go.

Learning as you go about sums it up, doesn't it?

I look at it like this: When I'm happy, my husband is happy. When my husband is happy, I'm happy. That's where I always kind of start. Remember, negotiation is about mutual agreement and it should improve a relationship. Both people should feel satisfied. If you're doing something out of resentment or coercion, that involves going against your core beliefs or is a true detriment to well being, that's not negotiating.

For a good reason, as we are moving forward ( just began year # 4 of living together) it is becoming less and less difficult to negotiate.
You, Koolman, know my history and how shitty my relationship was before we got engaged and moved in together. Negotiation then was frustrating and it did not go well.
Now that we have a lot involved like finances and lives of other people ( his mother, my children are our dependents who share a household with us) negotiation happens very smoothly because we both know that breaking up this relarionship is going to be a HUGE pain in the ass for everyone, so we try to avoid it.

Things are settled rather quickly most of the time.
I think when there is an easy exit available, things are a lot less flexible because there is not much to lose.

First I don't think everything is negotiable. There are deal breakers and boundaries we all must have in life. In all relationships, even one as simple as your relationship with the local dry cleaners or pizza place. If they refuse to comply with your request for , let's say, "well done" pizza but their prices are good. Maybe that's a negotiation but if you realy hate under cooked pizza, even free, you will decide to take your business elsewhere.

If your dry cleaners are so rude you want to punch them, would you keep going there? Maybe or maybe being treated rudely where you spend you money is a hard line.

My point is understanding what's worth negotiating for and what's not. What's worth arguing over and what's not. In my opinion, if your constantly having to sacrifice and compromise in a relationship, that's not good. If you or your partner ate never satisfied or feel life they are getting the short end of the stick, that's a problem.

Yes relationships do require negotiating and sacrifice. We are after all 2 completely different humans, from different family's, with different personalities trying to meld together. I think for me, marrying somebody so different and from a different culture has been our biggest challenge. It's been 24 years together and we have, in many ways, negotiaded our way to where we are now.

We are still very different in many ways and interests but have grown together through change and hardships. It's never a simple path but even the most hopeless of relationships can dig there way out of the pit if both partners are willing and committed to each other and the relationship.

Just my 2 cents.

In general...

When it comes to dating, I let the guy pay for the first date. Also, if he makes a plan (like wanting to go to a concert), he should pay for the tickets. And then vice versa. If there's something that I'm really interested in and I'm inviting him to go, I pay for whatever that thing is. With the guy that I'm dating now, I just tend to alternate regular things. If he picked up the tab the last time we went out with friends, I get the next time. Or sometimes we just open checks separately.

Negotiating for space can be trickier. With the current guy, I'd like to see him a bit more, but we work opposite schedules so I have to compromise some. He also needs to spend time with his friends in his down time, not just me, so I try to be understanding.

I agree with rmb, as well. I'm pretty laid back and go with the flow, so getting my way and being right aren't things that are really up there on my priority list. If it becomes a case of getting used or walked all over, I draw the line but I think there's a lot of sense in picking your battles.

I think 'set and enforce firm boundaries' and negotiation is sort of a contradiction in terms

I do agree that there are deal breakers for sure...

I have heard it said that to try and make each day a day to enrich the life of your partner as a way to build a successful relationship and I think that would be the bomb if people did that for one another...

Perhaps it would be a good discussion to have... Big hug...x

Not everything has firm boundaries and not everything is up for negotiation. In everything in life we have areas wherewe can compromise and sacrifice and at the same time have hard lines/deal breakers as well.

I don't believe it'sa contradiction unless the same areas you have firm boundaries are also areas of negotiation.

When negotiation gets exhausting is when nothing is resolved and nothing positive for either person is achieved. If no one gets what they want as a result of negotiation, then what's the point of negotiation? It's haggling and just leaves everyone empty-handed and full of bad blood. Yes, SOMEONE has to bend in negotiation, if that someone can also see that they too are getting something as a result of that bending, so it's not a win-lose but a win-win.

Somebody very important to me said once

A negotiation is only completely when both parties come out unsatisfied.

Why not just keep it simple:

There are non negotiables for which you will not compromise. End of story.

There are the negotiables for which you will compromise, and if you really don't want to compromise on those, then move them to the non-negotiable category. But if they really are negotiable, it shouldn't be an issue to give in a bit then.

I don't think negotiation is a one for one thing. I don't think you can look at it like one of us gets nothing and the other gets everything. That isn't negotiation then. I'd be exhausted in life if I felt I had to hold on to everything, if everything involved me needing to get everything I think I want. Again, not talking the real non negotiables but the other stuff in a relationship. I mean, if it's a matter of just wanting to be stubborn, well that's not going to ever work.

If you can't arrive at a meeting of the minds or the person you are with never gives a little, then maybe the problem isn't the negotiation but with whom you're negotiating.

Negotiation is a form of conflict resolution. Conflict causes anxiety and fear, which can translate into anger. These emotions get in the way of rational bargaining processes. There are proven techniques that can help you with negotiations.

If it seems like things started moving too fast, take five minutes and give yourself time to think. If you feel that you are being overwhelmed during a negotiation, call a time-out and take a break.

You might want to google "negotiation OR bargaining tactic OR technique OR strategy"

If the negotiation seems to have reached a total impasse, admit it, "agree to disagree," and move on.

This article has a lot going for it ..

http://www.nickkolenda.com/negotiation-tactics/



As I heard it, "a good compromise is one where both sides end up equally dissatisfied". An important part of negotiation is finding the solution that allows both parties to "win". Don't think of the process as "bending," "folding" or "giving in," but as finding a place when everyone can live in peace.