I just got back from a therapy session. I had a breakthrough, actually, in regards to my boyfriend. I was telling her about this distance that is between him and I, which has actually always been there. Its like there is a wall and he is really guarding himself emotionally, and the whole not-letting-me-stay-to-sleep-at-his-house-when-he-leaves-for-work-early-in-the-mornings is a metaphor for our relationship. Hes not letting me fully in, hes not opening up to me the way he wants me to open up to him. He wants me to tell him things and come to him when Im upset.but does he do that with me? Does he tell me things that are personal and full of emotion, or really anything except fluff? No. To be honest, I really dont know him all that well. I dont know much of anything thats really personal about him. And he clearly has been like this with other girls, by dumping them when they get upset over things that he finds stupid. Kind of like he did with me. I only know a few personal things about him, like how his dad was hard on him growing up and right after high school, made him think he was a failure or something. So he moved out of his parents house, told them he wouldnt need their help with anything, and became an overly self-sufficient person.

So, his dad was tough and critical. He felt criticized and insecure. So he overcompensated by becoming really independent, focused on himself and guarded so people wouldnt see his insecurities and flaws. Because if I ever say what I dont like or what I need that he isnt giving me, he feels like Im criticizing him, when Im not. When I tell him that I am friends with a guy at work, he asks questions and acts like Im hiding something, because hes jealous and insecure. He just doesnt want me to know that. After he went through my phone months ago and told me he felt crazy and never wanted to feel that way, he became more distant. He only asked to see my phone one other time, and a different time he said he felt insecure when I looked at my phone but acted like I was hiding something, when I really wasn't. He doesnt like feeling that way, like maybe he isnt good enough or that hes feeling more than what hes comfortable with. I get it. But I dont like it. I like when a guy shows me that they care, when theyre jealous and when theyre insecure. I like knowing that I mean that much to someone. But he is emotionally unavailable. That was what I realized today, along with the fact that he has issues and is insecure and avoids things so he doesnt have to feel or deal. Four words stood out from my session today: trust, avoidance, distance and insecurity. He is insecure and has a hard time trusting people, therefore he creates distance so he doesnt get hurt and tends to avoid situations that are even remotely serious. He wants happy and fun all the time, and yes he will talk and communicate during serious conversations or arguments but after the conversation or argument is over, he goes back to being more distant than before. He doesnt handle disagreements well, because I think he always feels like hes being attacked when he does something that upsets someone. Which is why he rarely takes responsibility for his mistakes and tends to put the blame on someone or something else. Like the time he insulted a girlfriend at a party when he was younger. She didnt say anything about it at the time but told him how she felt the next day, and he dumped her because he thought it was stupid and didnt want to deal with it. Maybe this is why hes 35 years old, never been engaged, no children.because he is emotionally unavailable.

He only truly opens up when hes drunk. He was drinking with his friend a few weekends ago and he texted me, telling me how he truly feels about me, that he loves me, and telling me about his aunt that has breast cancer (that I never knew about until then), that he loves her, hes afraid to talk to her because he doesnt know what to say, hes afraid of losing her, he wants to go see her but doesnt want to impose. This was the realest conversation Ive ever had with him, and it is sad that he had to be drunk to have it. I told him that she would love to see him and it may take her mind off of her issues by having him around. That it would comfort her and make him happy to have spent time with her too. At the end of the conversation he said he was sorry for dumping all of that on me. I told him I LIKE when he opens up to me and I like being there for him. We have not discussed her much since and he has not opened up about anything else. This is my dilemma.

My therapist told me that its great that Im realizing this is who he is, and it isnt about me. She said that I can give it some time, give him the space he seems to want, and if he brings up the fact that Im more distant, just say that I was respecting what he wants. That maybe he will realize that he wants more of me like I want more of him, instead of just a fluffy, distant relationship with no true emotional connection. It scares me, though, because I know what I want. I want a closer relationship, where I feel like were really good friends. Where I can open up to him and that he will open up to me and it wont feel like I need to pull teeth or get him drunk to find out his true feelings about things. I feel like even if I give him this distance that he wants, and that Ive actually been feeling toward him lately, that he wont even be phased by it. He's a really good guy but, I don't feel that emotional bond with him and it doesn't feel like anyone actually gets to have that bond with him. I guess I don't know what to do to get it, and I'm starting to wonder if just ending the relationship is the only way to go.

Any thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.