Well, I saw him yesterday for the first time since he started his job on Monday. we met in the middle of the city, and I got this huge sense of anger and annoyance walking up to him because he looked so cocky and full of himself when he was walking towards me. Evidently it's so obvious when he feels like that because I know him so well and can read him like a book. It was so hot out that I was flustered and in a bitchy mood, so I didn't really say much and we took the metro home. We got off at a stop near his house and got sandwiches for dinner, I think we were both silently on edge because of the heat. Sometimes, there's just unspoken tension between us for no reason. I have no idea who brings it to the table. Either we are incredibly compatible and in love with each other, or disconnected and tense. Sometimes I feel like he is SO invested in our conversations and time together, other times I feel like he is distant and into himself. Yesterday he was all about himself. I have been hearing about this fucking job 24/7. I have told him how proud I am of him, how happy I am, how he deserves it. I listen, I try to understand but what he's doing isn't in my industry so mainly I ask questions or just listen. He has been talking about himself for the past three days. Granted I'm in graduate school, but I have a part time job in the finance industry doing secretarial things (its not important or stressful, but it's still a job and a responsibilty). At dinner he was telling me about something he wants to do for work, an organization or something he wants to become affiliated with. I said "welcome to the world of work and school" and he goes "yeah except you don't work as hard as me, and I don't study as hard as you". I basically said yes, that's true, but my job deserves some recognition too. You don't know what I do at work because I never tell you. Just because I'm part time doesn't mean I'm not as important! He looks at me with fire in his eyes and goes "fuck you". I was so embarrassed. We were in a public restaurant and he said that! More importantly, is it EVER okay to say fuck you to your girlfriend under ANY circumstance??? What I said was maybe a little aggressive but he never asks me about my job, at least not in the past three days, it's been all about him. And he's walked around with complete arrogance. What he does isn't even that special- hell 90% of my friends have equal or better jobs than him. I felt dismissed and angry at him. Was he being full of himself or was I asking for too much? I love him so very much but he is one of the most aggressive people I know.

A couple days ago I mentioned I may go to dinner for one of my coworker's birthdays who is a male. I told him and he immediately said "you know he only invited you to get in your pants." I asked him why he thought that and he said "because that's something I would do...". He got very passive aggressive and was making comments about how I should have my reasoning about me when I go out with them and how he thinks sometimes I flirt and take it too far. All in all he admitted that he was getting too jealous. It angers me that he acts possessive like this, and then the next day, when we hang out, says fuck you to me. In our past, he has either been communicative or distant. He's told me some days he wants to talk to me, other days he wants nothing to do with me. I buy him new things because he's not financially 100% comfortable, and I like to see him happy with new items like clothing and other things to make his life easier. He does very little to return, and can't even emotionally reciprocate. Last night, before we went to bed, I sat outside of his place on the patio and just thought to myself how in love I was with him, and wondered when he would go back to being his friendly and invested self. Some days he is a different person. I question myself though, and wonder if I'm making it more dramatic in my head or if he really is hot and cold. He came outside with me (it took him about a half hour to realize I left his living room), and I was expecting to have a nice conversation about ANYTHING but himself. In the past, we've had great moments where he's told me how beautiful I look and we've talked about future plans, things we want to do, my family and his, and our relationship. It stings and burns and hurts me when I feel like he's emotionally disconnected and only interested in himself on certain days. I wonder how he can flip like that. Of course, he starts talking about random shit- yelling at people on the street (in a joking way) and literally talking about work again. The whole night I felt like his mind was somewhere else. We've been dating a year, I don't expect every day to be loving and gushing over each other but jesus, I haven't seen him all week and that's what he says.

I worry, now that last night didn't go so well, and his new job, he'll want to go out this weekend and not make an effort to see me. What's going to happen on Friday night? Will he ask to hang out with me? Should I continue to make the effort and pursue him? How do I get him back to his old self and invested in me again? Will he even give me the courtesy of telling me his plans or will I have to track him down? I feel like I don't exist in his eyes. Every day I have anxiety about whether or not I'M going to be the one to make the first move, or whether or not he'll be into me that day. It's hell, but I am so in love with him too. The anxiety physically makes me ill.