So sorry for all that you have gone through, but I think from what you wrote it's a messy relationship starting already, why go deeper just to get hurt again.

Thank you for the reply! I don't want to but I feel so needy. That's why I'm here, need some strength!

Hi Cherie,
Is there any family members or friends that could help give you strength? Can you start a new hobby outside of the house to meet new people, can you join a divorce group where you meet every week and discuss your issues. There should be lots of support there and many people that are probably in similar situations that could learn from you and you can learn from them. Give it a try, if you don't like it you don't have to go again, if you do you can only gain from it.
Have a good night and keep your head up : )

Thank you smiles:)

I did look for divorce groups at first. Didn't find anything much for some reason. Would love to know where I could get out and get involved in an activity that's good for meeting other people, without being a 'singles' group. Those don't seem to work out at all.

Thanks again,
have a great night too!

Hi Cherie!
Welcome!!

As much as you probably don't want to you should probably stop communicating with this person.

Work on you. Build your self esteem.

I wish you the best.

Dear Cherie,

I am so sorry to hear of your trials and heartache. I agree with your instincts and with the other posts. In the end being or feeling needy is what draws us to bad decisions and future regrets in our lives. I know you already know the red flags and are trying to avoid it however sometimes we can't just try and we have to do. Cut all contact with someone, let them know you're not in point in your life to deal with such a demanding mind boggling relationship and you think it would be in both your best interests to say good bye and put your healing first in order for you to properly come out of your situation with strength.

Life throws us many curveballs in life, some are ones I'd like to say put us in "survival mode" much like the battle with cancer you survived and your divorce... these are almost black and white, it's not easy to do what's right for you, but the decision to fight for your survival is there. Then there are other bad situations that add too much complication, technicalities that it's hard to be objective in confirming how you should get out of it. We overthink, try to spare other's feelings, hope not to regret our decisions etc. This situation with this fellow falls under that category, if your best friend described this situation to you, you would give her a hug, support her and let her know to put herself first. We tend to give great advice to others that we neglect ourselves with.

You deserve better! I don't know how that's going to come into your life, but distracting yourself or keeping yourself busy with the wrong guy will not make it happen that much quicker and may even complicate your chances in getting it. What can't hurt however is putting yourself first and finding ways on adding happiness, passion, zest, in your life, the romance equation will follow.

good luck to you and God bless.

Thank you onetoomany! I know you are probably right.

Rosebud, I so appreciate your thoughtful advice, you made some really great points that I needed to hear.

Life is so short and you know better than anyone how much one becomes aware of that when there is a possibility of death hiding behind a medical diagnosis.
I am a risk taker in certain situations and this would probably be one of them if i was really into a guy, but i would be crystal clear to myself that this fling is unattached and self limiting and after the fun ends, this person will be out of my life.
Mayne if you two discuss it, he may be able to carry this out as well and let go of his fears.

I dunno, it sounds like hes making it clear to you that hes not capable of much more than a friendship - especially since you basically said he doesnt seem the slightest bit interested in a sexual relationship with you.
It doesnt sound like he can give you what you are looking for - and in his defense, for a fair reason. I cant imagine trying to move on from the death of someone you are in love with. That must be very difficult on him.

If you care about him, do not push him into something he is not 100% on board with. Either be patient and genuinely accept what he is able to offer you, or let him go.

thank you Aronia and Shine for your perspectives. some good advice there.

shine, he did say he was quite attracted to me. so I'm thinking that does mean there is some hope for something between us. but he's hard to figure out. and I guess I'm too afraid of getting hurt to flat out discuss things with him. i guess the plan would be to hang in there and keep an arms length if I can. I will take either friendship or lovers, and wont force things.

Hi and welcome back!

"He claims he was in love once, she died and he has terrible anxiety when he thinks of getting involved again. He feels like he's betraying her."

And you're a cancer survivor, who is so far cancer-free, and he doesn't want to get too attached to you lest your cancer return and he might lose you too! It sounds like you both need to find the courage to dive in and love again.

That said, grief IS a tricky thing. I have experience with this. My brother whom I loved dearly passed away of cancer, and it's very tough for me to attach now. I've gotten so used to having to let go that attachment just hurts too much when I know love and life itself are temporary. If he's still in love with his woman who passed on, he may not want to be on a dating site, except to say "just looking for friendship"!

Life is too short. All of us are looking for something permanent in each other, when the fact is, it's all temporary. The only thing that lasts, even transcends the grave, is love itself. Love never ends; it just changes forms. Your man needs to transpose his love for his departed woman onto the woman that he has right in front of him! And you needn't fear heartbreak; just know and be confident that you'll place your love somewhere else if this relationship doesn't last. We all need to have the courage to love fully, today!

Thank you Koolman!

I'm so sorry about your brother. I can't imagine loosing a sibling!
I really appreciate your perspective. One of the problems with us is that there are 17 yrs. between our ages. A pretty significant age difference. Ok for a fling, but it is becoming so much more complicated than that. So I'm getting too attached because I ultimately do want real love! I want security and I want to know I'm treasured by someone I treasure.
Thanks again for reading and responding! I feel like this is the only thing grounding me right now!

You bet. Enjoy that young kid, even if only for awhile! Be flattered by the attention!