Healthy Relationships Support Group

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different paths

bluemoon23
bluemoon23
My boyfriend and I have been struggling in our relationship. This is his first real relationship and he is having a hard time to adjusting not being single and i'm trying to be patient. We've had trouble in this area but have seem to have gotten through it. We love each other and get along well when times are good.

The trouble is I eventually want marriage and kids and he does not. So do I end it? Eventually it's going to get to the point where i'm going to be ready and he won't be and we will just end up going our separate ways. When I try to explain to him my concerns he doesn't seem to understand. I can't expect him to change his mind on the subject and i'm pretty sure i'm not going to change mine. I want to enjoy the moment and the times we have now, but it's always in the back of my mind that it won't last with something that big standing against us down the road. I don't want to waste his time and I don't want to waste mine on someone who isn't eventually going to want to get married and have children. But then I struggle with the fact that I love him and I know he loves me. Do I not worry about it and just be with him? I don't want to sacrafice what I want but I don't want to lose him. Any thoughts???
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hey bluemoon, What are his thoughts about marriage? Are his feelings absolute or is there a "maybe down the road..."? You are young so if he wants to wait a few years I'd say stick it out.

If your BF has strong inclinations against marriage and kids then I would suggest moving on. People change sometimes but you can't count on it. I'm sure you do love him but you can only have one BF/husband at a time.
bluemoon23
bluemoon23
His thoughts seem to change from week to week. At first it was never, then maybe down the road but he had to think about it. Then it went back to never. He is definetely a never on kids, that one that has never changed. I hold onto the thought that maybe as time goes by and we get closer he'll change his mind about marriage, but it's not guaranteed. Thanks for the response, it's helping me sort through all of this.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Getting married and having kids can be a tough decision for some people. I bet he does want to give you a decisive answer but there's a lot to think about.

One thing that just came to mind is he may become uncomfortable with the idea of so much commitment at the beginning of his dating life. You may want to try having a more general discussion about what both of you want in the next 5-10 years. This may help both of you feel more comfortable. (Give him a little time to think about it before you have the discussion.) It just may well be the idea of marrying at 28 or 32 is appealing to him but he doesn't want to marry and have kids now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
How long have you been together and how old are the both of you, if you don't mind my asking?
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is the same situation I am in, except I am 29. You have a lot more time and living to do. I understand wanting to be with the right person for the right reasons etc and not wanting to waste any time when there's nothing in it for you. Even if some say you are only young, we all have different biological clocks, mental energy and energy for looking for the right relationship, especially after an uhealthy relationship or two thrown into the mix.

You havent said how long you have been together, I think that makes a bit of a difference.

I asked my man 9 months into relationship if he wanted children and committment etc, he said yes. Then after a year and a half, he changes his mind. I would have walked at 9 months if I had have known the truth.
bluemoon23
bluemoon23
We dated a year ago and remained friends, then 2 months ago we got back together. So we've been friends for over a year. I've been divorced and I think that scares him a little too because he said he didn't want to get married because people end up getting divorced. And he changes his mind all time on the subject, I never know if i'm coming or going.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Im in the same boat. Shit sucks homie. I guess we will both come to apoint to know what to do then.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Same here, the same exact situation as littleone1. Several months into the relationship I asked about kids and getting married exactly for this reason - not to get trapped later on, since this is very important to me. Then the response was "probably", "a few years later", now, 2 years later, when I'm very very attached, it is a definite "No" and it turns out he has always felt this way. I feel cheated although I know it was not his intention. If I had known at the beginning, we would never have been together this long.

I ask myself the same questions and am looking for the same answers as you, Bluemoon.

I'm 25, but I also agree that the age is not such a definite measure in this.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You two are just getting know each other (as partners anyway). Do you think it's a little premature to discuss marriage? Maybe you wait six month and see if it's even worth marrying this guy.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm SO with Goldfish on this one.
joleneLS
joleneLS
I didnt discuss marriage until two years into my relationship....he thought about it on his own time, but we didn't talk about it.
We thought it would be a good way to ruin the here and now. And, if in the end, we weren't compatible then we at least would of had the good times that came before the devestation.
As it turns out, we are married with our hearts, just not in the eyes of the law or church(but we are both athiests so that doesnt matter).
bluemoon23
bluemoon23
It was more of a conversation that came up on accident and him not wanting marriage is something that I can't seem to just ignore. I feel sort of rejected that i'm not good enough for him to marry in a way, don't know if anyone can relate to that or not.....
deleted_user
deleted_user
You shouldn't feel like that. If he loves you but doesn't want to get married it's probably more out of principal than his feelings for you.
koolman
koolman
Even though you love him and he loves you, if you're not on the same page about this...yes, you should end it...unless you're just looking at this as temporary sexual satisfaction until you meet someone more appropriate, which is fine-!

Let me ask you: Are you OK raising a child as a single mother? Or do you want to raise a child WITH the child's father? If you're financially, physically and emotionally able to raise a child on your own, tell him this! He might be delighted at the concept. Of course, it's the man's responsibility to at least dole out child support, even if he's not emotionally present for the child. You guys have some things to talk about!