Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hey all. I just joined this site so I'm not quite sure how this works. I thought I would share my story with you. I'm hoping I can get some feedback and a push in the right direction.
I'm 23. In November 2013 I met someone online. 29, handsome, sweet. We connected right away and I fell for him the moment I spoke to him. We continued to talk to each other on the phone/video/text for a few weeks while he was out of town and the more I spoke to him, the harder I fell for him. Needless to say that connection grew when we met in person and we started going out exclusively right away.
There were things I found out about him right away, and a then a few weeks into the relationship that were really intense and shocking....but I cared about him so much that I didn't see them as red flags. I saw them as markers of his struggle and pain... I wanted to help him and take that pain away. I wanted to start a new life with him.
I found out on our first date that he had a four year old child. He failed to mention this to me online or over the phone in the weeks we had spoken before we had met. I was in complete shock but I accepted it. He unraveled in this sob story he told me of how his ex girlfriend of seven years got pregnant on purpose so she could move to Los Angeles with him and then one day told him she wasn't in love with him anymore and left him. She has the kid 5/7 days of the week.
Later on, about three weeks into the relationship he casually told me that he had a stint in rehab for alcohol/cocaine addiction and in the same sentence said "ex wife," quickly changing his words to "ex girlfriend." He told me quickly that he assumed I knew that she was his ex wife and not girlfriend and then said that he just signed a piece of paper because he wanted his son to carry his last name and it didn't mean anything. Flashback to a few weeks before that....I asked him if there was a reason why he chose not to marry his ex girlfriend after having a child with her and such and he said that he wasn't ready and he wouldn't marry someone just because of those reasons.
I found it really strange and shocking how he revealed these things to me, but I understood that he had gone through a lot and that it was a topic he was uncomfortable talking about. He ended up drinking heavily after his break up and ended up in rehab, etc. Again, I developed this codependency where I wanted to take his problems away, I wanted to be there for him and accept him for who he was. Needless to say I am not much of a saint myself. I have definitely made wrong choices with men, abusing alcohol, etc.
About a month in, I confessed to him that I was in love with him. I ignored the red flags and convinced myself that he was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was artistic, just like me. He played the guitar, just like me. He loved poetry and art, he was sensitive, affectionate, we had this amazing, passionate connection where the world just stood still when we were together. He cared for me, he always did thoughtful things for me. He made me want to be a better person. I told family about his story and his child and they accepted him too. My parents met him, they fell in love with him just as I did. Everything just seemed to be working out the way I had wanted it to.
When I told him I loved him, he said it back to me. It was a hard thing for me to do. I came out of a two year relationship where I had said it five months in, and he had never said it back. It was the most painful experience. When Andrew, my current ex, said it back, I was overjoyed. And he would continue to say it to me without me instigating it. Later on, he started telling me that I was the girl he was going to marry, that he wanted me to move in right away and meet his child and fly around the world with him and go to his mom's wedding with him...and essentially spend the rest of his life with me. I was overjoyed and I latched onto him. I thought about him every minute of the day and made him the center of my universe.
After being together for two months he broke up with me. I reached a point where I was so dependent on him and all of the happiness he brought me that I started expecting him to completely understand me and cater to my every need. Not that I had many, but I was extremely insecure and constantly questioned his love for me. For example, if I texted him and he didnt text me for the entire day, or if I sent him a note expressing how grateful I was for him and how much I loved him and he didnt respond to it. There were times when he would have an argument with his ex about his child and he would disappear for the entire day and wouldnt allow me to talk to him about it. I started freaking out, wondering if I could spend the rest of my life with someone who couldnt talk about their problems or how they were feeling. I started wondering if him clamming up and being upset about his ex would become routine, I started wondering if he would continue to ignore my heartfelt love letters and if he even loved me at all. Whenever I got upset and mentioned these things to him, he would go to bed and wouldnt really call me right away, which made me wonder if he cared about my happiness at that point.
I started creating arguments based on these insecurities and in the end, he couldnt handle it anymore. He got tired of me. I started feeling him pulling away and I begged him for a second chance. I ran over to try to see him and put my arms around him and he threw my arms off of him, I left him notes telling him I loved him and realized I was wrong and wanted to change, I bought him a gift to apologize for my behavior that weekend. I tried everything. I assumed that this guy who supposedly was my soulmate, who told me he wanted to marry me, would give me that second chance and would understand that I wasnt perfect and would work on myself to fix our relationship.
He disappeared. I called him a few days later and said he couldnt be in a relationship and needed space but wasnt sure if he wanted to officially end things. I wrote him a goodbye letter a few days later which he never responded to. A day later, I found him online again. He made an online profile right away on the same site that we met on, which tore me to pieces. I was devastated
About two weeks after that, I tried calling him. I needed some kind of closure. I was so sad that he didnt respond to my goodbye letter, that he didnt care to get closure, that he moved on right away without even talking to me. I was still so in love with him. When I called him he tried to make me feel like I was crazy. He told me he thought I was bipolar, that my goodbye letter to him was this "essay" that he was so annoyed by and didnt want to read, that I reminded him of his crazy needy ex (the woman who supposedly destroyed his entire life and broke his heart) and that he had enough anxiety in his life and didnt need more from me. I sat there, believing everything he said, assuming I was the reason why our entire relationship fell apart, and I begged him to be friends. I couldn't let go.
A few weeks later I ran into one of his friends. We spent the entire night talking about Andrew. His friend revealed to me that Andrew was unstable, that Andrew's ex wife was actually his ex wife and that it wasn't just a pesky piece of paper that was signed. They had an actual, legitimate wedding ceremony. I was also informed that Andrew had this breakdown where he threw his mom's dog out of a two story window (a man, who supposedly claimed that he was obsessed with animals and wouldnt hurt a fly).
I was in shock..................but was still so codependent and so obsessed with him and so heartbroken that I didnt want to see it or believe it. I just felt sorry for him. I still missed him, I believed I created all of the problems in our relationship.
After seeing his friend, I contacted him after not speaking for a few months. I asked if I could see him. He responded in a happy, excited way. I wanted to see him that night, and he never showed up.
A few weeks later he asked for me to come over. Needless to say, we slept together. Things felt that night as though nothing had changed. And I felt optimistic that we would get back together. As I was leaving, he asked to see me the following week and asked if I could start spending the night at his place again. I agreed.
When I tried to contact him the following week, he ignored me. I sent him kind texts saying I was thinking of him, how special that night was for me, how I cant wait to see him again.
And I never saw him or heard from him again.
Recently I spoke to his friend who I had run into previously and I asked him if Andrew was doing ok. He told me that Andrew had told everyone what a pain in the ass I was and he asked if any of his friends would be willing to date me so I would stop texting him and bothering him.
I have been so crushed by all of this. I feel like what Andrew gave me when we were together was this fairytale dream. He seemed to be this perfect, damaged man that I was madly in love with. I wanted to take his pain away and be there for him and show him the love that he was lacking in his life. But he has hurt me so much........he made me feel like I was insane, he slept with me and never spoke to me again, he tried to sell me off to all of his friends. I don't even know anymore if anything he told me was true. The whole marriage thing, if his ex wife was as crazy as he made her to be, if he was as innocent and heartbroken as he played himself to be. I'm just at a complete loss. I feel like I dated a pathological liar who fooled me when he felt like I was this dream woman...and then left me when he realized I wasn't perfect. All of these promises of marriage and moving in together...are promises I latched onto. I was so dedicated and willing to change in order to make our relationship work. I couldn't understand how he just gave up on me.
Yes, I do understand I got too attached. I got too clingy. Even after our relationship ended, in my efforts to get him back.........
I guess at this stage of mourning I am just trying to understand where my role was in all of this. I don't want to truly believe that my codependency is what lead to the end of our relationship. I don't want to believe that I deserved the way that he treated me....but lately I have been feeling this way...and its made me question everything. I am so terrified right now of being in another relationship again. I'm terrified of having such an amazing connection with someone else and pushing them to the point where they will just be disgusted by me. I feel like I have to change entirely in order to even be in a working relationship ever again. And I am still attached to the perfect relationship Andrew and I had before everything fell apart. I don't know how I will find someone who made me feel like he did. I'm completely stuck and confused.
I would appreciate any advice on this matter and I'm sorry for the super long story! I hope that you all have a great day and I look forward to hearing any similar stories or ways in which you believe I can move on from this situation.
All the best,
V.
I'm 23. In November 2013 I met someone online. 29, handsome, sweet. We connected right away and I fell for him the moment I spoke to him. We continued to talk to each other on the phone/video/text for a few weeks while he was out of town and the more I spoke to him, the harder I fell for him. Needless to say that connection grew when we met in person and we started going out exclusively right away.
There were things I found out about him right away, and a then a few weeks into the relationship that were really intense and shocking....but I cared about him so much that I didn't see them as red flags. I saw them as markers of his struggle and pain... I wanted to help him and take that pain away. I wanted to start a new life with him.
I found out on our first date that he had a four year old child. He failed to mention this to me online or over the phone in the weeks we had spoken before we had met. I was in complete shock but I accepted it. He unraveled in this sob story he told me of how his ex girlfriend of seven years got pregnant on purpose so she could move to Los Angeles with him and then one day told him she wasn't in love with him anymore and left him. She has the kid 5/7 days of the week.
Later on, about three weeks into the relationship he casually told me that he had a stint in rehab for alcohol/cocaine addiction and in the same sentence said "ex wife," quickly changing his words to "ex girlfriend." He told me quickly that he assumed I knew that she was his ex wife and not girlfriend and then said that he just signed a piece of paper because he wanted his son to carry his last name and it didn't mean anything. Flashback to a few weeks before that....I asked him if there was a reason why he chose not to marry his ex girlfriend after having a child with her and such and he said that he wasn't ready and he wouldn't marry someone just because of those reasons.
I found it really strange and shocking how he revealed these things to me, but I understood that he had gone through a lot and that it was a topic he was uncomfortable talking about. He ended up drinking heavily after his break up and ended up in rehab, etc. Again, I developed this codependency where I wanted to take his problems away, I wanted to be there for him and accept him for who he was. Needless to say I am not much of a saint myself. I have definitely made wrong choices with men, abusing alcohol, etc.
About a month in, I confessed to him that I was in love with him. I ignored the red flags and convinced myself that he was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was artistic, just like me. He played the guitar, just like me. He loved poetry and art, he was sensitive, affectionate, we had this amazing, passionate connection where the world just stood still when we were together. He cared for me, he always did thoughtful things for me. He made me want to be a better person. I told family about his story and his child and they accepted him too. My parents met him, they fell in love with him just as I did. Everything just seemed to be working out the way I had wanted it to.
When I told him I loved him, he said it back to me. It was a hard thing for me to do. I came out of a two year relationship where I had said it five months in, and he had never said it back. It was the most painful experience. When Andrew, my current ex, said it back, I was overjoyed. And he would continue to say it to me without me instigating it. Later on, he started telling me that I was the girl he was going to marry, that he wanted me to move in right away and meet his child and fly around the world with him and go to his mom's wedding with him...and essentially spend the rest of his life with me. I was overjoyed and I latched onto him. I thought about him every minute of the day and made him the center of my universe.
After being together for two months he broke up with me. I reached a point where I was so dependent on him and all of the happiness he brought me that I started expecting him to completely understand me and cater to my every need. Not that I had many, but I was extremely insecure and constantly questioned his love for me. For example, if I texted him and he didnt text me for the entire day, or if I sent him a note expressing how grateful I was for him and how much I loved him and he didnt respond to it. There were times when he would have an argument with his ex about his child and he would disappear for the entire day and wouldnt allow me to talk to him about it. I started freaking out, wondering if I could spend the rest of my life with someone who couldnt talk about their problems or how they were feeling. I started wondering if him clamming up and being upset about his ex would become routine, I started wondering if he would continue to ignore my heartfelt love letters and if he even loved me at all. Whenever I got upset and mentioned these things to him, he would go to bed and wouldnt really call me right away, which made me wonder if he cared about my happiness at that point.
I started creating arguments based on these insecurities and in the end, he couldnt handle it anymore. He got tired of me. I started feeling him pulling away and I begged him for a second chance. I ran over to try to see him and put my arms around him and he threw my arms off of him, I left him notes telling him I loved him and realized I was wrong and wanted to change, I bought him a gift to apologize for my behavior that weekend. I tried everything. I assumed that this guy who supposedly was my soulmate, who told me he wanted to marry me, would give me that second chance and would understand that I wasnt perfect and would work on myself to fix our relationship.
He disappeared. I called him a few days later and said he couldnt be in a relationship and needed space but wasnt sure if he wanted to officially end things. I wrote him a goodbye letter a few days later which he never responded to. A day later, I found him online again. He made an online profile right away on the same site that we met on, which tore me to pieces. I was devastated
About two weeks after that, I tried calling him. I needed some kind of closure. I was so sad that he didnt respond to my goodbye letter, that he didnt care to get closure, that he moved on right away without even talking to me. I was still so in love with him. When I called him he tried to make me feel like I was crazy. He told me he thought I was bipolar, that my goodbye letter to him was this "essay" that he was so annoyed by and didnt want to read, that I reminded him of his crazy needy ex (the woman who supposedly destroyed his entire life and broke his heart) and that he had enough anxiety in his life and didnt need more from me. I sat there, believing everything he said, assuming I was the reason why our entire relationship fell apart, and I begged him to be friends. I couldn't let go.
A few weeks later I ran into one of his friends. We spent the entire night talking about Andrew. His friend revealed to me that Andrew was unstable, that Andrew's ex wife was actually his ex wife and that it wasn't just a pesky piece of paper that was signed. They had an actual, legitimate wedding ceremony. I was also informed that Andrew had this breakdown where he threw his mom's dog out of a two story window (a man, who supposedly claimed that he was obsessed with animals and wouldnt hurt a fly).
I was in shock..................but was still so codependent and so obsessed with him and so heartbroken that I didnt want to see it or believe it. I just felt sorry for him. I still missed him, I believed I created all of the problems in our relationship.
After seeing his friend, I contacted him after not speaking for a few months. I asked if I could see him. He responded in a happy, excited way. I wanted to see him that night, and he never showed up.
A few weeks later he asked for me to come over. Needless to say, we slept together. Things felt that night as though nothing had changed. And I felt optimistic that we would get back together. As I was leaving, he asked to see me the following week and asked if I could start spending the night at his place again. I agreed.
When I tried to contact him the following week, he ignored me. I sent him kind texts saying I was thinking of him, how special that night was for me, how I cant wait to see him again.
And I never saw him or heard from him again.
Recently I spoke to his friend who I had run into previously and I asked him if Andrew was doing ok. He told me that Andrew had told everyone what a pain in the ass I was and he asked if any of his friends would be willing to date me so I would stop texting him and bothering him.
I have been so crushed by all of this. I feel like what Andrew gave me when we were together was this fairytale dream. He seemed to be this perfect, damaged man that I was madly in love with. I wanted to take his pain away and be there for him and show him the love that he was lacking in his life. But he has hurt me so much........he made me feel like I was insane, he slept with me and never spoke to me again, he tried to sell me off to all of his friends. I don't even know anymore if anything he told me was true. The whole marriage thing, if his ex wife was as crazy as he made her to be, if he was as innocent and heartbroken as he played himself to be. I'm just at a complete loss. I feel like I dated a pathological liar who fooled me when he felt like I was this dream woman...and then left me when he realized I wasn't perfect. All of these promises of marriage and moving in together...are promises I latched onto. I was so dedicated and willing to change in order to make our relationship work. I couldn't understand how he just gave up on me.
Yes, I do understand I got too attached. I got too clingy. Even after our relationship ended, in my efforts to get him back.........
I guess at this stage of mourning I am just trying to understand where my role was in all of this. I don't want to truly believe that my codependency is what lead to the end of our relationship. I don't want to believe that I deserved the way that he treated me....but lately I have been feeling this way...and its made me question everything. I am so terrified right now of being in another relationship again. I'm terrified of having such an amazing connection with someone else and pushing them to the point where they will just be disgusted by me. I feel like I have to change entirely in order to even be in a working relationship ever again. And I am still attached to the perfect relationship Andrew and I had before everything fell apart. I don't know how I will find someone who made me feel like he did. I'm completely stuck and confused.
I would appreciate any advice on this matter and I'm sorry for the super long story! I hope that you all have a great day and I look forward to hearing any similar stories or ways in which you believe I can move on from this situation.
All the best,
V.
Idk if this guy ran circles around you so fast that you fell for him with such intensity or it was just the force of being on the rebound, but in most cases i dont think it is possible to really fall in love with someone in a month. In a months time we only see what this person projects, the image they want us to see, so we really fall in love with the fantacy.
When his real and true self popped up then you started having problems and he knew that he was screwed so he moved on.
I am sorry that you got hurt so much... Just realize that you fell in love with a fake person he pretended to be..
Next time things will work out, just take your time.
Intense relationship burn out so quickly sometimes..
In many ways I wish I was more confident and had more respect for myself so that I wouldn't have to depend on his perfect bullshit to lift up my day. I just think he was a con artist and a damn good one.
I do need to work on myself and my happiness, heavily. I have never truly loved myself and have always seeked validation from others, hence the codependency. It did seem like a perfect dream at first and I did feel like the connection we had was unbelievable.... But I do have to realize that true relationships take time and patience. Maybe we both came in with expectations and looking to fix each other and that's what tore us apart
I agree with Aronia, sounds like you guys got caught up in a fantasy thing, and when he could not longer hide his real self, he bailed. Just be glad you dodged this bullet
Oh, and be a tiny bit careful of guys who say their exes are crazy. They tend to be drama seekers (crazy themselves). Not that they need to love their ex (that is no fun either lol). But chances are they will say the same about you (cut you down).
- " i love you and want to marry you" in the first month of dating
- coming on STRONG - constant communication, gifts, abundant compliments
- digging for information - you feel so comfortable that you tell this stranger every secret, painful moment of tour life ( because this person already set you up and fishing )
There is more - i am just too tired lol
Hang in there
Absolutely! Its all about developing that bond over time as an aftereffect of sharing memories and such together.
I think in this case, you two just may have been looking for different things, and he perhaps burnt out quicker as a result of the overbearance. Relationships should be easy, smooth. Not overcomplicated and full of anxiety and insecurities.
Havent you wondered if those initial insecurities were a sign that deep down, you didnt fully trust him? hmm.. that would definitely something to learn from ;)
In the end, youre going to be okay. Work on YOU. Develop yourself. Finding new hobbies and things you love will help increase your sense of self value and will prevent you from putting 100% of yourself into a man.
At the end of this life, the only person you have for sure is yourself.
WOW.
If someone says something "without proof" but it ties in to your intuitive sense of the person you don't need proof.
I remember one night I got sick from drinking too much and he was taking care of me. I woke up in the middle of the night in his bed and reached for him, wanting to cuddle him and put my arms around him. And he yelled at me saying "c'mon Victoria what do you want from me? I just spent the whole night taking care of you and I have a four year old who wakes me up all the time. I don't want to deal with your cuddling"
Honestly, I would never speak that way to someone I truly cared about.
I mean, the abusive texts he sent to his ex, his constant drinking and smoking and the ways he snapped at me, albeit there were only a few times. I think I just made excuses for it because I knew he had been through a lot, and his family forcing him into rehab just made him so angry. I wanted to see the good in him and accept that anger wasn't what made him who he was.....
But now that I have been accused of being crazy, slept with and tossed aside, told that I'm exactly like his ex, and thrown away with no closure.....I just don't believe that he is the person he pretended to me. I think if he still cared for me, even after the breakup, he would have at least ended on good terms with me somehow. I definitely know I'm a difficult person who has mood swings, but I never stopped caring for him...... It's too much to have gone through in two months. But it has affected every day of my life. I just can't wait until this pain goes away. I have to convince myself to stop idealizing who I thought he was and start believing that he wasn't that man. And that no action I could have done would have changed that. A good, loving man would have been kind and gentle. He treated me like garbage, and no one deserves to be treated that way, even if they are crazy or damaged or insecure like I am.
Look it up - everything you posted matches exactly!!
They enjoy the pursuit and victory because they cant really feel much otherwise.
He definitely was not a keeper -- like holding onto to a burning coal. I wish you the best in continued strength and learning to listen to that inner voice which I hear behind your tale.
Also, as a former victim (now survivor) of a psychopath, I think you went wrong with the "perfect, damaged man". He was only as "perfect" as you wanted him to be (he did this well), but he was damaged and you felt bad and wanted to be there for him because you're a very nice and kindhearted person. He played on this, and also any insecurities you had so you could stay around. If I were you, I would find a therapist to talk to and try and figure out why you feel/felt the need to be with someone who was "emotionally unavailable" to say the least. I choose this term "emotionally unavailable" because that's the only damage that you could see before you got into the relationship further, so I see it as what you overlooked and what prevented you from getting a chance of having a healthy relationship. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I am only speaking from personal experience and I went to therapy and it worked well for me.
I know you must be confused about the relationship you had, and you mentioned that you want to know why it ended. I can tell you the how's and the why's since I had a similar relationship before, but to be honest none of that really matters. In the end, he is not the "perfect, damaged" man you fell in love with, he is the man who threw his mom's dog out of a window, the one who lied about having a wife, the one who was abusive towards you and treated you poorly. You're in love with the "perfect" idea of him, not the "real" him. Once you realize this, the real healing will begin. Then, you can look at things more clearly.
*Hugs to you*