Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hey all. I just joined this site so I'm not quite sure how this works. I thought I would share my story with you. I'm hoping I can get some feedback and a push in the right direction.
I'm 23. In November 2013 I met someone online. 29, handsome, sweet. We connected right away and I fell for him the moment I spoke to him. We continued to talk to each other on the phone/video/text for a few weeks while he was out of town and the more I spoke to him, the harder I fell for him. Needless to say that connection grew when we met in person and we started going out exclusively right away.
There were things I found out about him right away, and a then a few weeks into the relationship that were really intense and shocking....but I cared about him so much that I didn't see them as red flags. I saw them as markers of his struggle and pain... I wanted to help him and take that pain away. I wanted to start a new life with him.
I found out on our first date that he had a four year old child. He failed to mention this to me online or over the phone in the weeks we had spoken before we had met. I was in complete shock but I accepted it. He unraveled in this sob story he told me of how his ex girlfriend of seven years got pregnant on purpose so she could move to Los Angeles with him and then one day told him she wasn't in love with him anymore and left him. She has the kid 5/7 days of the week.
Later on, about three weeks into the relationship he casually told me that he had a stint in rehab for alcohol/cocaine addiction and in the same sentence said "ex wife," quickly changing his words to "ex girlfriend." He told me quickly that he assumed I knew that she was his ex wife and not girlfriend and then said that he just signed a piece of paper because he wanted his son to carry his last name and it didn't mean anything. Flashback to a few weeks before that....I asked him if there was a reason why he chose not to marry his ex girlfriend after having a child with her and such and he said that he wasn't ready and he wouldn't marry someone just because of those reasons.
I found it really strange and shocking how he revealed these things to me, but I understood that he had gone through a lot and that it was a topic he was uncomfortable talking about. He ended up drinking heavily after his break up and ended up in rehab, etc. Again, I developed this codependency where I wanted to take his problems away, I wanted to be there for him and accept him for who he was. Needless to say I am not much of a saint myself. I have definitely made wrong choices with men, abusing alcohol, etc.
About a month in, I confessed to him that I was in love with him. I ignored the red flags and convinced myself that he was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was artistic, just like me. He played the guitar, just like me. He loved poetry and art, he was sensitive, affectionate, we had this amazing, passionate connection where the world just stood still when we were together. He cared for me, he always did thoughtful things for me. He made me want to be a better person. I told family about his story and his child and they accepted him too. My parents met him, they fell in love with him just as I did. Everything just seemed to be working out the way I had wanted it to.
When I told him I loved him, he said it back to me. It was a hard thing for me to do. I came out of a two year relationship where I had said it five months in, and he had never said it back. It was the most painful experience. When Andrew, my current ex, said it back, I was overjoyed. And he would continue to say it to me without me instigating it. Later on, he started telling me that I was the girl he was going to marry, that he wanted me to move in right away and meet his child and fly around the world with him and go to his mom's wedding with him...and essentially spend the rest of his life with me. I was overjoyed and I latched onto him. I thought about him every minute of the day and made him the center of my universe.
After being together for two months he broke up with me. I reached a point where I was so dependent on him and all of the happiness he brought me that I started expecting him to completely understand me and cater to my every need. Not that I had many, but I was extremely insecure and constantly questioned his love for me. For example, if I texted him and he didnt text me for the entire day, or if I sent him a note expressing how grateful I was for him and how much I loved him and he didnt respond to it. There were times when he would have an argument with his ex about his child and he would disappear for the entire day and wouldnt allow me to talk to him about it. I started freaking out, wondering if I could spend the rest of my life with someone who couldnt talk about their problems or how they were feeling. I started wondering if him clamming up and being upset about his ex would become routine, I started wondering if he would continue to ignore my heartfelt love letters and if he even loved me at all. Whenever I got upset and mentioned these things to him, he would go to bed and wouldnt really call me right away, which made me wonder if he cared about my happiness at that point.
I started creating arguments based on these insecurities and in the end, he couldnt handle it anymore. He got tired of me. I started feeling him pulling away and I begged him for a second chance. I ran over to try to see him and put my arms around him and he threw my arms off of him, I left him notes telling him I loved him and realized I was wrong and wanted to change, I bought him a gift to apologize for my behavior that weekend. I tried everything. I assumed that this guy who supposedly was my soulmate, who told me he wanted to marry me, would give me that second chance and would understand that I wasnt perfect and would work on myself to fix our relationship.
He disappeared. I called him a few days later and said he couldnt be in a relationship and needed space but wasnt sure if he wanted to officially end things. I wrote him a goodbye letter a few days later which he never responded to. A day later, I found him online again. He made an online profile right away on the same site that we met on, which tore me to pieces. I was devastated
About two weeks after that, I tried calling him. I needed some kind of closure. I was so sad that he didnt respond to my goodbye letter, that he didnt care to get closure, that he moved on right away without even talking to me. I was still so in love with him. When I called him he tried to make me feel like I was crazy. He told me he thought I was bipolar, that my goodbye letter to him was this "essay" that he was so annoyed by and didnt want to read, that I reminded him of his crazy needy ex (the woman who supposedly destroyed his entire life and broke his heart) and that he had enough anxiety in his life and didnt need more from me. I sat there, believing everything he said, assuming I was the reason why our entire relationship fell apart, and I begged him to be friends. I couldn't let go.
A few weeks later I ran into one of his friends. We spent the entire night talking about Andrew. His friend revealed to me that Andrew was unstable, that Andrew's ex wife was actually his ex wife and that it wasn't just a pesky piece of paper that was signed. They had an actual, legitimate wedding ceremony. I was also informed that Andrew had this breakdown where he threw his mom's dog out of a two story window (a man, who supposedly claimed that he was obsessed with animals and wouldnt hurt a fly).
I was in shock..................but was still so codependent and so obsessed with him and so heartbroken that I didnt want to see it or believe it. I just felt sorry for him. I still missed him, I believed I created all of the problems in our relationship.
After seeing his friend, I contacted him after not speaking for a few months. I asked if I could see him. He responded in a happy, excited way. I wanted to see him that night, and he never showed up.
A few weeks later he asked for me to come over. Needless to say, we slept together. Things felt that night as though nothing had changed. And I felt optimistic that we would get back together. As I was leaving, he asked to see me the following week and asked if I could start spending the night at his place again. I agreed.
When I tried to contact him the following week, he ignored me. I sent him kind texts saying I was thinking of him, how special that night was for me, how I cant wait to see him again.
And I never saw him or heard from him again.
Recently I spoke to his friend who I had run into previously and I asked him if Andrew was doing ok. He told me that Andrew had told everyone what a pain in the ass I was and he asked if any of his friends would be willing to date me so I would stop texting him and bothering him.
I have been so crushed by all of this. I feel like what Andrew gave me when we were together was this fairytale dream. He seemed to be this perfect, damaged man that I was madly in love with. I wanted to take his pain away and be there for him and show him the love that he was lacking in his life. But he has hurt me so much........he made me feel like I was insane, he slept with me and never spoke to me again, he tried to sell me off to all of his friends. I don't even know anymore if anything he told me was true. The whole marriage thing, if his ex wife was as crazy as he made her to be, if he was as innocent and heartbroken as he played himself to be. I'm just at a complete loss. I feel like I dated a pathological liar who fooled me when he felt like I was this dream woman...and then left me when he realized I wasn't perfect. All of these promises of marriage and moving in together...are promises I latched onto. I was so dedicated and willing to change in order to make our relationship work. I couldn't understand how he just gave up on me.
Yes, I do understand I got too attached. I got too clingy. Even after our relationship ended, in my efforts to get him back.........
I guess at this stage of mourning I am just trying to understand where my role was in all of this. I don't want to truly believe that my codependency is what lead to the end of our relationship. I don't want to believe that I deserved the way that he treated me....but lately I have been feeling this way...and its made me question everything. I am so terrified right now of being in another relationship again. I'm terrified of having such an amazing connection with someone else and pushing them to the point where they will just be disgusted by me. I feel like I have to change entirely in order to even be in a working relationship ever again. And I am still attached to the perfect relationship Andrew and I had before everything fell apart. I don't know how I will find someone who made me feel like he did. I'm completely stuck and confused.
I would appreciate any advice on this matter and I'm sorry for the super long story! I hope that you all have a great day and I look forward to hearing any similar stories or ways in which you believe I can move on from this situation.
All the best,
V.
I'm 23. In November 2013 I met someone online. 29, handsome, sweet. We connected right away and I fell for him the moment I spoke to him. We continued to talk to each other on the phone/video/text for a few weeks while he was out of town and the more I spoke to him, the harder I fell for him. Needless to say that connection grew when we met in person and we started going out exclusively right away.
There were things I found out about him right away, and a then a few weeks into the relationship that were really intense and shocking....but I cared about him so much that I didn't see them as red flags. I saw them as markers of his struggle and pain... I wanted to help him and take that pain away. I wanted to start a new life with him.
I found out on our first date that he had a four year old child. He failed to mention this to me online or over the phone in the weeks we had spoken before we had met. I was in complete shock but I accepted it. He unraveled in this sob story he told me of how his ex girlfriend of seven years got pregnant on purpose so she could move to Los Angeles with him and then one day told him she wasn't in love with him anymore and left him. She has the kid 5/7 days of the week.
Later on, about three weeks into the relationship he casually told me that he had a stint in rehab for alcohol/cocaine addiction and in the same sentence said "ex wife," quickly changing his words to "ex girlfriend." He told me quickly that he assumed I knew that she was his ex wife and not girlfriend and then said that he just signed a piece of paper because he wanted his son to carry his last name and it didn't mean anything. Flashback to a few weeks before that....I asked him if there was a reason why he chose not to marry his ex girlfriend after having a child with her and such and he said that he wasn't ready and he wouldn't marry someone just because of those reasons.
I found it really strange and shocking how he revealed these things to me, but I understood that he had gone through a lot and that it was a topic he was uncomfortable talking about. He ended up drinking heavily after his break up and ended up in rehab, etc. Again, I developed this codependency where I wanted to take his problems away, I wanted to be there for him and accept him for who he was. Needless to say I am not much of a saint myself. I have definitely made wrong choices with men, abusing alcohol, etc.
About a month in, I confessed to him that I was in love with him. I ignored the red flags and convinced myself that he was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was artistic, just like me. He played the guitar, just like me. He loved poetry and art, he was sensitive, affectionate, we had this amazing, passionate connection where the world just stood still when we were together. He cared for me, he always did thoughtful things for me. He made me want to be a better person. I told family about his story and his child and they accepted him too. My parents met him, they fell in love with him just as I did. Everything just seemed to be working out the way I had wanted it to.
When I told him I loved him, he said it back to me. It was a hard thing for me to do. I came out of a two year relationship where I had said it five months in, and he had never said it back. It was the most painful experience. When Andrew, my current ex, said it back, I was overjoyed. And he would continue to say it to me without me instigating it. Later on, he started telling me that I was the girl he was going to marry, that he wanted me to move in right away and meet his child and fly around the world with him and go to his mom's wedding with him...and essentially spend the rest of his life with me. I was overjoyed and I latched onto him. I thought about him every minute of the day and made him the center of my universe.
After being together for two months he broke up with me. I reached a point where I was so dependent on him and all of the happiness he brought me that I started expecting him to completely understand me and cater to my every need. Not that I had many, but I was extremely insecure and constantly questioned his love for me. For example, if I texted him and he didnt text me for the entire day, or if I sent him a note expressing how grateful I was for him and how much I loved him and he didnt respond to it. There were times when he would have an argument with his ex about his child and he would disappear for the entire day and wouldnt allow me to talk to him about it. I started freaking out, wondering if I could spend the rest of my life with someone who couldnt talk about their problems or how they were feeling. I started wondering if him clamming up and being upset about his ex would become routine, I started wondering if he would continue to ignore my heartfelt love letters and if he even loved me at all. Whenever I got upset and mentioned these things to him, he would go to bed and wouldnt really call me right away, which made me wonder if he cared about my happiness at that point.
I started creating arguments based on these insecurities and in the end, he couldnt handle it anymore. He got tired of me. I started feeling him pulling away and I begged him for a second chance. I ran over to try to see him and put my arms around him and he threw my arms off of him, I left him notes telling him I loved him and realized I was wrong and wanted to change, I bought him a gift to apologize for my behavior that weekend. I tried everything. I assumed that this guy who supposedly was my soulmate, who told me he wanted to marry me, would give me that second chance and would understand that I wasnt perfect and would work on myself to fix our relationship.
He disappeared. I called him a few days later and said he couldnt be in a relationship and needed space but wasnt sure if he wanted to officially end things. I wrote him a goodbye letter a few days later which he never responded to. A day later, I found him online again. He made an online profile right away on the same site that we met on, which tore me to pieces. I was devastated
About two weeks after that, I tried calling him. I needed some kind of closure. I was so sad that he didnt respond to my goodbye letter, that he didnt care to get closure, that he moved on right away without even talking to me. I was still so in love with him. When I called him he tried to make me feel like I was crazy. He told me he thought I was bipolar, that my goodbye letter to him was this "essay" that he was so annoyed by and didnt want to read, that I reminded him of his crazy needy ex (the woman who supposedly destroyed his entire life and broke his heart) and that he had enough anxiety in his life and didnt need more from me. I sat there, believing everything he said, assuming I was the reason why our entire relationship fell apart, and I begged him to be friends. I couldn't let go.
A few weeks later I ran into one of his friends. We spent the entire night talking about Andrew. His friend revealed to me that Andrew was unstable, that Andrew's ex wife was actually his ex wife and that it wasn't just a pesky piece of paper that was signed. They had an actual, legitimate wedding ceremony. I was also informed that Andrew had this breakdown where he threw his mom's dog out of a two story window (a man, who supposedly claimed that he was obsessed with animals and wouldnt hurt a fly).
I was in shock..................but was still so codependent and so obsessed with him and so heartbroken that I didnt want to see it or believe it. I just felt sorry for him. I still missed him, I believed I created all of the problems in our relationship.
After seeing his friend, I contacted him after not speaking for a few months. I asked if I could see him. He responded in a happy, excited way. I wanted to see him that night, and he never showed up.
A few weeks later he asked for me to come over. Needless to say, we slept together. Things felt that night as though nothing had changed. And I felt optimistic that we would get back together. As I was leaving, he asked to see me the following week and asked if I could start spending the night at his place again. I agreed.
When I tried to contact him the following week, he ignored me. I sent him kind texts saying I was thinking of him, how special that night was for me, how I cant wait to see him again.
And I never saw him or heard from him again.
Recently I spoke to his friend who I had run into previously and I asked him if Andrew was doing ok. He told me that Andrew had told everyone what a pain in the ass I was and he asked if any of his friends would be willing to date me so I would stop texting him and bothering him.
I have been so crushed by all of this. I feel like what Andrew gave me when we were together was this fairytale dream. He seemed to be this perfect, damaged man that I was madly in love with. I wanted to take his pain away and be there for him and show him the love that he was lacking in his life. But he has hurt me so much........he made me feel like I was insane, he slept with me and never spoke to me again, he tried to sell me off to all of his friends. I don't even know anymore if anything he told me was true. The whole marriage thing, if his ex wife was as crazy as he made her to be, if he was as innocent and heartbroken as he played himself to be. I'm just at a complete loss. I feel like I dated a pathological liar who fooled me when he felt like I was this dream woman...and then left me when he realized I wasn't perfect. All of these promises of marriage and moving in together...are promises I latched onto. I was so dedicated and willing to change in order to make our relationship work. I couldn't understand how he just gave up on me.
Yes, I do understand I got too attached. I got too clingy. Even after our relationship ended, in my efforts to get him back.........
I guess at this stage of mourning I am just trying to understand where my role was in all of this. I don't want to truly believe that my codependency is what lead to the end of our relationship. I don't want to believe that I deserved the way that he treated me....but lately I have been feeling this way...and its made me question everything. I am so terrified right now of being in another relationship again. I'm terrified of having such an amazing connection with someone else and pushing them to the point where they will just be disgusted by me. I feel like I have to change entirely in order to even be in a working relationship ever again. And I am still attached to the perfect relationship Andrew and I had before everything fell apart. I don't know how I will find someone who made me feel like he did. I'm completely stuck and confused.
I would appreciate any advice on this matter and I'm sorry for the super long story! I hope that you all have a great day and I look forward to hearing any similar stories or ways in which you believe I can move on from this situation.
All the best,
V.
Take some time to be introspective on the choices that you made before talking to him, while talking to him and after. Not because you're at fault, but because this will help you to move forward. What role were you expecting him to fill. As these things kept coming up what would have given you the push to create boundaries and put yourself first.
I've been in a very similar situation in terms of red flags, lies and him disappearing. His actions show his character. Something we try to look past. The reality is that its important to know ourselves, our patterns and how we can be an even healthier person. People do what we allow them to do. If we put clear boundaries up and we're with a healthy, open and honest individual; they will respect and understand what's important to us.
I know how you feel in various aspects. I totally get wanting to understand the complexity of what happened. I encourage you to use this experience as an opportunity for growth. Ask yourself what responsibility you have in the situation and work towards creating a safer place for yourself in dating.
coming on here and sharing is a wonderful step towards a happier you!
The biggest lesson from what I read? Don't ignore red flags. They are there for a reason. Kind of like when your gut is screaming at us yet we *choose* to look the other way. We always pay for it in the end, one way or another.
Also? The dog incident? That would have been a deal-breaker as soon as I learned about it. Anyone who would do that is not stable and f*d in the head, IMO. Not to mention they deserve to get their ass beat and no, I'm not a violent person in my daily life. I just absolutely abhor those who do shit to innocent beings.
Learn from it. Grow from it. And know that you probably just dodged a big old bullet with him thinking that you are such a "pain in the ass". Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
Core advice is heal yourself. I haven't had your same experience but I do know my intense and pervasive emotional pain has caused me to invest and imagine both good and negative things.
Forgive yourself for getting involved - focus on yourself.
You are your best investment - and your good relationship with yourself and with your healing on an ongoing basis in the best protection against shame and regret, leaving you available for kinder and healthier people and protecting you from ignoring the red lights and diving in.
Maybe step #1 toward self-improvement for the sake of healing, is to stop believing everything you hear...
I didnt say to ask him. I said just because someone ELSE said it does not make it true. Could you imagine if we lived in a world where that was the rule of thumb?
Your agressive response wasnt really necessary.
Given his history with her that she shared, its rather unlikely that she would get his complete truth at this point, let alone regarding such a heinous act.
if you didnt hear it from his mouth, or see it with your own eyes, what makes you so quick to believe its true?"
is equivalent to
Imagine living in a world where people actually told the truth. Now that rule of thumb would be fantastic, but its not realistic.
AKA - the friend is just as capable of being a liar. I never said ex-guy was innocent, just that you cant believe everything you hear.
I love furry four legged friends as much as anyone, but I dont particularly find that part of the story to be such a focus point - because honestly, at this point, does it really matter?
My post about it was more rhetorical and directed at the fact that the OP is quick to put 100% faith into anything put right in front of her.
Given the statement I quoted you above saying, I would imagine you might agree with me that living that way is extremely unhealthy, no?
To me it would merit being a focus point in that if someone did that it would speak volumes to their character overall even in light of what the OP had already shared about their history.
And, no, you can't believe everything you hear, this is true. But I do think when a person has a history of lying or hiding stuff, I would be more apt to not believe their version of the "truth" over someone else who I didn't have that type of history with or who may not have any motivation to make up such a story.
My point to all of that was, even if she chose to ask him...odds are very slim she would get his truth. And I think if we're talking that a healthy way of living is to not believe everything you hear...I can go along with that, and really, you have to consider the source no doubt and that's why, for this instance, her ex seems like he would be a terrible source for truth. Hence, why I said what I did.
My question is, why would you find someone "damaged" to be perfect? You say you're afraid that your codependence pushed him away, I think the real issue is that your codependence made you have interest in that kind of man, someone you could "fix", maybe be his savior?
But also, again I say, it doesnt matter. The point is moot because the relationship is over. My exes have done some pretty sh*tty things too haha! I -already- thought they were a sh*tty person, so it bears no effect on the current situation, KWIM?
Anyway-
I think what confused me a bit about the responses I saw to the original post was that they did not really jive with the feeling I got from it-
The relationship was 2 months long.
I did not want to come off as being harsh, but I read a story about a guy that was EXTREMELY scared off by the immediate overattachment. No offense is meant by that, because hey, a much younger me has done it too.
But after the desire to end the relationship was expressed, it was persued... over, and over, and over again.
V - I sincerely, genuinely hope you are able to come back and re-read your post objectively and truly learn from it. HIS behaviors aside - because you can only work on you. Dont be a victim . Take control over yourself and determine what YOU can do differently next time.
Best of luck.