Healthy Relationships Support Group
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So I posted a few weeks ago an update about me being in a new relationship. I'm starting to believe it wasn't the best idea. It's not that I miss being single, didn't have enough time or am in love with my ex. I'm quite past my ex (outside of the baby coming any day now), I had a great time for the months I was single, and I feel I'm ready for a relationship but I'm not quite sure if my girlfriend is the one for me.
I know what I want and was very clear in the begining with the new gal before we became a couple that I need someone who is going to be stable, wants to work, can help me when it comes to big issues, and tries to avoid drama (I do understand you can't eliminate drama, but what I mean is someone who doesn't go looking for it). She assured me that she was all those things, and for the time it seemed to be. I think I got caught up in the new relationship feel in the first month. I'd known her as a good friend for about a year. A side of her really came out though lately. Because she's only 18, I'm not sure if she's ready for the baby. And I'm especially nervous about having her around becuase a few weeks ago she had a breakdown and cut up her wrists...apparently this is a pattern that follows alot. She gets upset and instead of talking to someone or looking for a solution she injures herself in some way. This is why I'm hesitant to end it. I've brought the conversation up a few times trying to ease myself into it, unfortunately it seems to flow well until I discuss us taking some time apart or assessing the relationship. She gets upset and it scares me. I'm a caring guy and fear that she'll hurt herself; I'm also a soon to be father and know I can't have this sort of behaviour around my child. I've told her numerous times that if she went to a counsellor that maybe I could put more faith into her, but she refuses outright to seek any help. She also is not actively seeking a job which is killing me cause I'm not only supporting myself and preparing to support a child, I'm supporting her. I understand all these problems have a quick solution of breaking it off and distancing myself. But I would never forgive myself if she hurt herself over me.
I'm desperately in need of some suggestions.
I know what I want and was very clear in the begining with the new gal before we became a couple that I need someone who is going to be stable, wants to work, can help me when it comes to big issues, and tries to avoid drama (I do understand you can't eliminate drama, but what I mean is someone who doesn't go looking for it). She assured me that she was all those things, and for the time it seemed to be. I think I got caught up in the new relationship feel in the first month. I'd known her as a good friend for about a year. A side of her really came out though lately. Because she's only 18, I'm not sure if she's ready for the baby. And I'm especially nervous about having her around becuase a few weeks ago she had a breakdown and cut up her wrists...apparently this is a pattern that follows alot. She gets upset and instead of talking to someone or looking for a solution she injures herself in some way. This is why I'm hesitant to end it. I've brought the conversation up a few times trying to ease myself into it, unfortunately it seems to flow well until I discuss us taking some time apart or assessing the relationship. She gets upset and it scares me. I'm a caring guy and fear that she'll hurt herself; I'm also a soon to be father and know I can't have this sort of behaviour around my child. I've told her numerous times that if she went to a counsellor that maybe I could put more faith into her, but she refuses outright to seek any help. She also is not actively seeking a job which is killing me cause I'm not only supporting myself and preparing to support a child, I'm supporting her. I understand all these problems have a quick solution of breaking it off and distancing myself. But I would never forgive myself if she hurt herself over me.
I'm desperately in need of some suggestions.
My advice to you is - don't believe when someone tells you " i am stable, I am reliable", because not many people will admit that they have faults and serious mental health issues. Let this person SHOW you by their behavior what they are really like.
Now that you will be a parent, this will be even more serious, because not every person you are dating should meet your child,
Anyway, i will get off my soapbox lol Get rid of this girl before it's too late. JMO.
I do know my choice as a parent is the well being of my child. It's why I've tried to put some distance between she and I, kind of in hoping that the time apart along with the discussions of her not being ready for this and it being better to break it off will help her realize the message I'm trying to send and make her realize it's the best decision for both of us. She just doesn't seem to get the message and I do not want to be cruel and coldly endly. Unfortunately as the days go by I'm starting to realize that may be my only choice in the matter cause I don't need this time of behaviour around my child or myself.
Thanks for your advice.
I know you are trying to be good to her and i am sad for her, because she is probably in a bad place right now emotionally.
I dated a few guys like this in my youth and it was a total waste of my time and energy...You help them, you stand by them but they always end up having a crisis, because unfortunately mental health is probably the hardest illness to deal with.
It takes a lot of self-discipline and careful combo of counseling and medications. a couple of my friends are living normal lives and they worked really hard for it, so my hat is off to them.
Maybe she needs to get help with her problems and then see what happens.
Good luck! :)
Hey. I think you have the answer to your own dilema. You're very insightful. But, I feel a need to be straight up with you. This is all pretty full of drama and selfishness, and I believe it's importaant that I give you a bit of a warning dear one.
You're 24 and the Girl of your concern is 18. Aside from what you want to believe, she has been this earth for 18 years and she is a virtual baby when it comes to knowledge of life..
True partners, the individual we pick as our partner has be very unique and have very common ground with us. We have to walk with maturity in the same direction, although down different individual paths. Our efforts here on Earth are to be true to our our destination, and if we pick a partner to join us,..they should be on their own journey but walking hand in hand with us.
If your current g/f is not mentally capable of handling the epitomy of what it takes to support you during this difficult time and I can promise you,..she will not have it any time soon. She is really, as I mentioned, in all reality just a baby herself. Being 18 is a hard, hard place to be with the reality of life suddenly slapping her in the face and trying to comprehend how this new real life has to do with what her parents taught/told her life would be.
You have enough on your plate dear one. If you are serious about her well-being, I would set up a very brief meeting (or if it's too much, send an email) with her parents to alert them of your concerns. This is a young lady who is going through the throws of adolescence needs to be carefully considered. You have an obligation to make this right. Since there is a more pressing issue forthcoming.. get this sweet little girl taken care of so you can focus on the birth of your child and how you're going to be accountable for his/her well-being.
Do whatever you need to do. You are this 18 year olds view of the world-of-men. Be Honorable, Patient and make sure she is safe. You were Accountable the moment you entered her world honey.
Good luck. And don't drop out of sight again for too long. A baby is on the way? Ok. Stay grounded.
(((Long, Long Hug)))
Why did her dad break off all contact with her? Because she was seeing you? Or some other reason (never felt she was good enough, etc.). If the latter, these attitudes DO wreak havoc on a person's psyche, I know. My relationship with my mother is a bit strained at times, due to her relentless work ethic and obsessing about small, what I perceive as insignificant things, being "perfect".
I understand "no drama". I'm not a big fan of it myself. But have you tried working out the issues with her?
My suggestion is you both slow down and maybe even back it up a bit. The baby is the priority. If she doesn't get a job tell her she needs to move out. Also, if you feel she is a physical threat, tell her to move out.