Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Artchick 09/05/2017

First off, my son was severly burned last year sept. 3 and he passed away in Feb 2017. He was my only child and I am not married. I miss him so bad! I am also in the berevment group on here. But my question is about the dating relationship I am in. I have been dating a guy for several months that I dated some last summer. He had only met my son once last summer. He has been nice and I do care for him. I am a affectionate person and I love affection, it doesn't have to be sex. Even giving me a hug is great. He is not affectionate. He will only kiss me or hug me if I come up to him and initiate it. And then it is a peck and a quick hug. I stay at my house during the week and go to his house usually on the weekends. He usually cooks and we watch tv. He doesn't like to go out. When we are sitting around or even laying in bed he doesn't hug me or put his arm around me or anything. Most nights he doesn't even tell me good nite, he just rolls over and goes to sleep. He made the comment the other day that he is exactly the same as he has been and he doesn't understand why I am having an issue. I thought long and hard about it but I am not the same, alot has happened to me with my son passing this year. I need more love and reassurance I guess. Even a hug or kiss now and then would be great. It's like we are room mates sleeping in the same bed. We never have sex either. I know that's not the most important thing "sex". But it is part of a loving relationship I think. We do maybe once a month. He has turned me down several times also so I don't intiate it anymore. He told me "you can't make someone want to do it". It really hurt my feelings. I feel like he is not attracted to me. Maybe he just doesn't have any sex drive but that shouldn't effect the hugging, etc. Maybe he has just always been like that. When I did try to talk to him about it he got deffensive and said I mother him to much. I just try to help around his house but hes been a batchelor a long time and doesn't want me to do anything because I don't do it the way he likes. I just don't know whether to keep trying or move on. He is nice but I need more, I guess. If you don't see your girlfriend all week and you only see her Friday and Saturday night, you would think he would be a little affectionate like he missed me.

Cora_Belle 09/05/2017

Sounds like you two are incompatible in so many ways, I don't know why you would keep trying.

I guess you can continue trying to change him or accepting less than you want. That sounds frustrating and tiresome. A complete waste of emotional energy.

Doesn't it make more sense to find someone who may more closely meet your needs?

veggiequeen 09/05/2017

I am going to have my 15th wedding anniversary on september14th. The last 10 of those years were with no affection (no Sex) and very little physical touch (with the exception of , as you say an occasional peck here and there)

He has never been really affectionate (both of us didn't exactly have healthy, normal role models growing up...both came from dysfunctional families) After awhile I did shut down and go through the motions. hubby was quite content. He had someone to care for the house, him, the dog, and then me. He no longer cared about affection.

I took this to mean I must be this awful, unattractive, undesirable, unlovable person. Less than a year ago I innocently answered a chat. I mentioned it beforehand to him (hoping he would at least be a bit jealous and say I shouldn't do that) His response was to laugh (which I took to mean he didn't care) So from a complete stranger I would grow so close and find all that I was longing for....support, encouragement, acceptance just as I am. He would be the one to convince me that i was attractive, intelligent, caring and had alot to offer and did deserve so much more. He told me how he would treat someone he loved (not anything like what I have been settling for.)

He did flip that switch and open up all those stirring emotions. Just as you say , after you lost your son things did change for you too. Forgive me for sharing way too much....

THE SHORT ANSWER IS.... He may be nice as a companion for friendship, but I think you should search for someone who is more compatible. If he is so distant now, I would hate to see you in a situation like mine down the road. (I finally mentioned divorce just yesterday.....trust me, you do not want to go through 10 years like this)

AFTER ALL THE LOSS YOU HAVE ALREADY HAD TO DEAL WITH, YOU DESERVE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO DOES LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU, BEING WITH YOU AND HOLDING YOU CLOSE. We all want that. Do not feel you should settle for what someone is willing to offer. Look hard for what you want (and need)

My thoughts and prayers are with you (and I am sorry for your loss. )

Artchick 09/05/2017

Thank you for your responses! I was also in a 10 year marriage years ago to my son's dad that was similar (no sex or affection). But he was also a big jerk. I guess my issue is that this guy is a good guy other the no affection. I think I'm afraid to be alone too after what I've been through. I know that's sone thing I've got to work out and get use to. My son was 14 and I'm 43 and ive been single a long time. My son never liked anyone I dated lol

lucillegem 09/05/2017

I agree with the other comments, darling. Dont settle, maybe he can be good a friend? But I think you wouldnt be happy with this guy To be bluntly honest, darling. Find someone whos just a cuddling beast :P (hugs)

refurb 09/05/2017

a loving relationship includes touch, respect - as in "don't touch me there"
but
touch is paramount

Danceintherain 09/06/2017

To be blunt - You're settling for a lot less than you want or deserve. There are plenty of men out there that want a loving woman. Don't give up. Time to see it for what it is, an empty and unfulfilling relationship. You are worth so much more.

Artchick 09/06/2017

Thank you. All of what you are saying is what I am feeling. I do need to move on. I just don't want to hurt anyone.

SunCloudJD 09/06/2017

I agree with what others have written about wanting different things in the relationship.... There are plenty of guys who will want more affection....

I am so very sorry about the loss of your son...... Gentle hug.....xo

SunCloudJD 09/06/2017

BTW when you've written "I don't want to hurt anyone"... I used to have a hard time with breakup's when I was young however I think if you look at it from the point that I'm freeing him to meet someone who is on the same page as him and will love him it makes more sense.... You aren't doing this to hurt him.... You deserve to have your needs met and he deserves to have someone who isn't feeling as though she's settling for what doesn't make her happy.... I hope that helps......xo

Artchick 09/06/2017

Yes I agree, thank you

Artchick 09/06/2017

I feel really bad because I text him today and just told him that I have been really thinking alot about our issues to the point of having a hard time going to sleep at night. I told him I just wanted to let him know and we could talk this afternoon. He responded he guessed him being sick doesn't come in to play here. He has recently had a biopsy of his lung for some calcified area in it. They said it is non cancerous but he might have to have a little of the area removed. He is waiting on the final results. I feel like such jerk for one, texting him that we needed to talk and the timing, I guess. Maybe I should have waited until all of this health issue is over but it was eating me up inside and I really felt like I should talk to him about it.

geoyur77 09/06/2017

Most men I know are not good with effection, so not a surprise there, we need training. I do agree that there are plenty of men out there, some are willing to learn to give affection. Time to run a w looking to date men ad, make it very clear you don't need them to spend a lot of money on you and see what nibbles,..

MrCellophane 09/26/2017

You don't have an obligation to somehow make a relationship work with this guy. You're allowed to break up with someone if they don't make you happy! You have told him "I need more affection," and he has failed to meet your needs. That doesn't make him a bad person, but it does make him a bad fit for you. Don't feel guilty that you're making a break, even though he has health issues. If your needs are not being met, then you shouldn't feel obliged to meet his needs. Life is too short to spend a lot of time dating the wrong man.

Shaylaa1010 09/26/2017

I feel the same exact way in the relationship im in & I feel empty & alone. I know it's hard but I know I have to move on for my happiness!!! I encourage you to do the same everyone deserves to be happy & loved! Wishing you the best!!!

Aronia 09/26/2017

A calcification in a lung seems so insignificant comparing to the loss you are experiencing. Any person with compassion would want to grab you and hold you . Hell, I even want to hug you and I don't even know you.

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