Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hello, I am new here. Firstly, I want to say that I am posting for my best friend in hopes that I can find some information to help her.
For the last 29 years she has been in a co-dependent relationship with a man that she ultimately wound up marrying. They have been togther for 29+ years and married for 19. He verbally and psychologically abuses her very frequently and has,far more rarely, physically abused her. Mostly he has anger and anxciety problems that escelate to rage very quickly (the last instance occurred simply because he had been out with another family member for several hours, when he was supposed to be doing something with my friend and she asked, "how much longer are you going to be"). That resulted in him becoming enraged and verbally abusive and saying terrible things about my friend to her face (you're worthless C--T, for example).
This has been going for years and I normally leave if I happen to be present at their house when he becomes anxious/aggressive/etc. but I have spoken to my friend sdeprately and offered to help and she always declines, saying that she "can handle it". Or she makes excuses for him and his behavior.
He also controls everything from where they eat dinner to what movies they watch, the vacations they take, etc. This is because he has a very narrow window of acceptance and there are many things that cause him anxiety, so his experiences are limited as a result. He has also had legal problems, drug addiction problems, etc in the past. No amount of concern or care that I show my friend seems to help. She usually makes excuses for him or blames herself and she won't leave him no matter how much trouble it causes her (she's had to file bankruptcy because of his legal, financial problems, etc.). This in light of the fact that he cannot hold down a job, so my friend works 40+ hours/week and also does most of the housework since he refuses.
Is there anything I can possibly do to help my friend? She is my best friend and I love her like a sister. This has been going on for far too long. :(
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
She can keep it at her work, if she's concerned about his reaction to seeing it.
This would be a terrible way to live and be controlled
I'm putting up a list of crisis numbers.... If she's willing to talk with someone from an abuse hotline they can help her get away if she's willing to
It's only going to continue to get worse sadly ….. She could go to Nar anon or Al anon if she's willing to in order to help with her co dependence however if she won't there isn't much you can do
If she ever does want to get away please encourage her to have a safety plan
https://support.dailystrength.org/hc/en-us/articles/207430776-What-if-I-need-emergency-help-
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse
What a great friend. Your girlfriend must really be thankful that you are a part of her life and you are such good support to her. I can tell that you care deeply about her happiness and wellbeing. It’s difficult to watch people we love go through a crisis and not be able to rescue them.
In my experience, the only way a person finds help is when they look for it themselves. When she is ready, maybe a good start would be for her to find a counselor that will help her to work through the issues. There are also some great movies that offer encouragement; I like “Fireproof” and “War Room” both of these deal with marriage issues. I hope this helps.
I fear for my friend's psychological state since she is under near constant abuse at times form him, but thew way she acts makes me think her identity is so tied up in his that there is nothing anyone can do. Problem is she cannot see this behavior of hers since she is in the midst of it, and if I attempt to point it out (when he is not around) she gets defensive and does not acknowledge it.
Anyway, I thank those that responded for their advice and support, but I don't think I can do anything to help my friend at this time.