Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I am 32 years old in a long distance relationship with a 29 year old man. I met him from a dating app after a LONG time of trial and error on dating apps. When I first matched with him and started talking, I was very unsure about him since I wasn't sure how attracted to him I was. Personality wise, he was very attractive to me. Eventually after meeting him, I became pretty physically attracted to him.
I kept seeing him long distance, and I enjoyed seeing him. I never got the same feeling I got with other people I saw in the past. This feeling was a lot calmer. I've had an anxious attachment style for all my life. With him, it was limited because he met my needs.
I have tried hard to be a good Christian woman - following Jesus, but failing to remain abstinant and pure like I want. I'm not sure if this plays a role in the situation I'm about to describe - maybe it does.
I recently saw him this month. I had really wanted see him. To provide some background, I moved to a state 6 years ago that I LOVE living in. I had thought about considering moving to the other state my boyfriend lives in. But just this recent visit, I had made the decision in my mind I do not want to live in the state he does. Everytime I visit him, I feel unsettled; not because of him, but because of the environment. I'm not the biggest fan of the house, and I just don't like the state because it doesn't feel like home to me.
Since making the decision internally that I don't want to live in that state, I want to live where I live now, I've suddenly been unsure of him. I feel empty. I don't know exactly why. I've heard it can be avoidant attachment which is odd since I've been anxious attachment. Or is this really me losing feelings? I almost wish I was being broken up with because the feelings of unsureness feel so empty and depressing. At least with being broken up with there is a sense of longing and wanting. With this it's blandness. I don't like it, it makes me feel depressed.
Do I not know what love is? Am I emotionally immature? I'm open to understanding if this is me. I've only been in 1 serious relationship in my life, and it felt real. It was a high school sweetheart. I just don't know what's going on. I HATE hurting people. I don't want to hurt him. It makes me want to cry. But I don't want to make a mistake if what I'm feeling has an explanation.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
If you love where you live, and don't like where he lives, why are you the one that has to move? Why can't he move to you?
It depends how long you have been seeing him. I'd say minimum one year in a serious, committed, strong relationship before making any huge decisions like moving. Maybe take some more time and see how you feel after some time. You can still see each other long distance in the meanwhile.
Would I want him to? I really don't know right now. I don't know how serious I am. I have always wanted a serious relationship, but now I'm second guessing how I feel.
You don't really know him and he doesn't really know you. All of this takes time and seeing each other in person.
Try not to worry too much about the future right now. It takes time together to know if it's "right" or not. Just have fun for now. :-)
Women are different with sexual relationships 'we go emotional' , is this a possibility?
I also agree with why should you move? You might think more about how Long Term you would feel if you moved.
Retail jobs are Everywhere.
I think long distance relationships are kind of built on the feeling of longing. It takes some serious soul searching to figure out if the connection is just longing or something more substantive.
Personally speaking I am not a romantic and don’t think about love as a just an emotion but an action, like what it means to choose to love someone. Because I honestly think being “in love” is more about loving the idea of being in love. But that’s just my take on it.
I guess my thought though is why do you need to have it all figured out now? Why can’t it be getting to know each other better for a bit and talking open and honestly about what each of you wants and doesn’t want I was in a LDR for a few years many years ago. I was crazy about him but I didn’t want to move to his state and he had a his own business where he lived so wasn’t able to move. So we agreed to end it since while we wanted to be together, we wanted other things more at that time in our lives. It happens. Priorities kind of have to align for relationships to continue to flourish. Sometimes it is just a timing issue and not much deeper than that.
Talking means almost nothing except conversations. We can pretend to be anyone we want on a phone call or texting. That is not real.
So you've been seeing him sometimes for 3 months and honestly, I think your inner wisdom is telling you he is not the one.
You like him a lot but there is that distance and you hate his house and the location. His friendship and potential love is not enough to overcome this dislike you have. He does not want to move.
I suspect your wise mind is telling your emotional mind that this guy is not right for you because of the long distance and his bad location. Plus, it sounds like you guys have talked about it and he wants to stay where he is.
When people marry, they mesh worlds. Often, people marry and leave both their old houses, sell them, and then buy a new one they both like together. It is a mutual decision. You do not want to move into HIS house because it will always be HIS house. Similar, he doesn't want to move into YOUR house because it will always be YOUR house.
3 months is nothing, you don't know him, he doesn't know you. You like him but you are now facing all the issues and problems.
Sounds like you feel guilty about having sex with him? Could that be influencing your fear and emotionally becoming dead, so to speak?
Sit down and be quiet. Ask God to guide you. Then make a hand written list of all the pros about the relationship, what is good. Then make another list about what is bad or the cons. Hand written on paper will engage your wise mind.
Either way this is maybe you seeing this relationship as over before it begins so you are checking out. Maybe there is a little fear of commitment there. I say be honest with yourself and him. Personally I would just end the relationship and tell him if he ever finds his way to your area he can look you up and maybe you can try again but you don’t know how you feel enough to string along a long distance relationship nor ask him to move. Honestly it seems impossible to get to know someone long distance
Your emotions drying out is a RED FLAG. So listen and obey. your mind, body, soul. This is more of the wise mind stuff and it sounds like you are not willing to listen to it at this time.
Don't just settle with any warm body because you are afraid of being alone or never finding a good husband. Marriage with the wrong person is hell. Making babies with the wrong person is hell.
The way your emotions grew (that was the excitement of meeting someone fun and new) to bottoming out and being shrunken and nothing now is a "tell." Listen to your body and mind and soul giving you this tell.
If he is not Mr. Right, and the situation is not the right situation, then let it go. You can also talk to him and ask him questions about his intentions, his goals in life. Find out if you are truly compatible. There are many guys I like a lot but don't want to marry or have sex with.
A place that you've visited a couple of times won't just feel like home
I agree with what others have said and take your time.... If you're still attracted to him I wouldn't make a rash decision..... Enjoy your time together and see where it goes
We are opposites. I do acknowledge that aspect.
Again, I want my feelings to come back. I almost feel like my brain is doing something I don’t want it to do, and it’s incredibly frustrating. Thank you for your comments, I read every single one ❤️
Me personally, I wouldn't move to another state for a guy. However I also.had several relationships in my life and dated alot of people.
Im not sure if i would classify this as an avoiding attachment, I think I would say you woke up and saw you couldn't do this with this person as it is not right for you.
It takes time to get to know someone, and sometimes it happens where months later we learn they are not for us and that is ok.