Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and yesterday he ended things. We had had some hiccups in the past, but he said that after he put a lot of thought into things that he knew that I was what he wanted for life and wanted to marry me and have a family. I had told him previously that his friends were never very nice to me and were just generally angry that I was a presence in his life. They like him to be able to go out with them all the time and they looked at me as some type of roadblock or felt that I was taking him away from them. He said that he had noticed that behavior but didn't know what to do to stop it.
He called after not speaking to me for a few days after that discussion and said that he was happy, but if so many of his friends with the "outside perspective" saw something wrong with this relationship, then there had to be something wrong. They had obviously noticed some changes in him or his behavior that they didn't think was for the better and he wasn't comfortable telling all of his friends to go to hell. They had no straight answers or examples and neither did he, but apparently that was enough to go on.
I'm heartbroken. This is the person that I thought I was going to spend my life with because he TOLD me that. I don't know why anyone would choose their friends' opinions over what what actually made them happy. I would never do that and have pushed friends away for trying to intervene in my relationship. He's in his early 30s and his friends aren't even good people. They're trashy a lot of the times and have a raging case of Peter Pan syndrome. I can't even defend myself because they never even gave him a specific reason that they thought we were "wrong" for each other. I'm hurt that these people managed to wedge themselves between us and he allowed it. It goes against everything he stands for and he's never been such a pushover as to allow other people to dictate his life.
I don't know what to do, but I've never felt so low and kicked down in my life. I hate them and just keep going back and forth between hostile and breaking down crying. Why would someone who says they love you so much turn their back for that.
He called after not speaking to me for a few days after that discussion and said that he was happy, but if so many of his friends with the "outside perspective" saw something wrong with this relationship, then there had to be something wrong. They had obviously noticed some changes in him or his behavior that they didn't think was for the better and he wasn't comfortable telling all of his friends to go to hell. They had no straight answers or examples and neither did he, but apparently that was enough to go on.
I'm heartbroken. This is the person that I thought I was going to spend my life with because he TOLD me that. I don't know why anyone would choose their friends' opinions over what what actually made them happy. I would never do that and have pushed friends away for trying to intervene in my relationship. He's in his early 30s and his friends aren't even good people. They're trashy a lot of the times and have a raging case of Peter Pan syndrome. I can't even defend myself because they never even gave him a specific reason that they thought we were "wrong" for each other. I'm hurt that these people managed to wedge themselves between us and he allowed it. It goes against everything he stands for and he's never been such a pushover as to allow other people to dictate his life.
I don't know what to do, but I've never felt so low and kicked down in my life. I hate them and just keep going back and forth between hostile and breaking down crying. Why would someone who says they love you so much turn their back for that.
Which means there is really no way that he is a high quality person if his friends aren't.
I was surprised when I read he is 30. I thought it sounded like more of a High School thing.
You have your answer in the sentence. " He's never been so much of a Pushover to allow other people to dictate his life"
It's his decision. He is just a bit on the chicken shit side and blaming it on his friends.
It may not seem like it now, but you dodged a bullet. All the qualities you don't like in his friends would become apparent to you (in him) later on down the road. trust me.
hang in there
however, I agree with ShastaSue.
Getting to know your SOs life style, family friends, is a pretty important process, to determining whether you're a good fit long term (compatible, stable). Particularly if you think you might want to have kids some day down the road.
Again, I am sorry.
That should answers some of your questions as to why he'd do this. He's obviously not who you thought he was. He's not an individual, he needs his gaggle of friends to make him feel whole. They've formed a pack, and the pack decides who he can and cannot engage with. They're little boys playing in their tree house.
Be grateful that he's shown you his true colors, and has spared you a lifetime of nonsense and aggravation.
Dude is 30???!!
Really?
Sounds more like 18.
Move on and be happy!
Wow. Was I ever wrong.
I hate to say that his behavior, even at his age, doesn't surprise me.