It's hard, and I understand what you are going through because my partner is very co-dependent. I think it is really important to try to find things that make you happy, and start doing your hobbies again. Maybe get together with some girlfriends for a movie night at the house and just gossip. I really believe if you start to focus on yourself, you will be able to have a more stable and successful relationship, especially if your co-dependence is starting to take its toll on the relationship and is pushing him away. If you need a friend to talk to, I am here to listen. But I think you will be doing alot better, if you take the time out and do things that make you happy.

Thanks for your response. You are right. I need to focus on other things. It's just hard because it's ALWAYS on my mind. I don't know how to stop that part.

Do things that make you feel that euphoric good feeling, outside of that exciting and compelling sexual and romantic entanglement.

Me? I exercise. I love it. Would be nice to find a bike-riding partner along the way...looking...

It is hard, and at first, you will find yourself thinking about the other person while trying to do things for yourself. That is why it is good to try to reach out to your friends. They will be able to distract you and hopefully help you see you can be happy and enjoy life outside of your relationship too. I was in that stage where I had forgone doing all the things I enjoy because I felt guilty to have a happy life when my significant other was miserable about his life and and determined to be that way (misery loves company). I have been slowly incorporating friends, and hobbies back into my life, and while it was hard at first, it feels good to do things just for me and find myself doing those things that make me happy again.

@Koolman... I'd take you up for a bike riding partner, but your too far away!! lol.

Codependency is a highly complex state of mind.

Deep fears and insecurities tie us to codependency. We learn this condition from a very young age and then we grow up and invent complex ways to find our validation and self-important through another. Somewhere along the line of growth we were made to feel 'good' and 'worthy' based on how others felt. Very often this begins during childhood.

Eldest children have a very difficult time with codependency. The eldest child is made to feel responsible for their siblings and parents inadvertently put so many pressures on these kids, that they grow up not really experiencing the whole, healthy circle of love. These children believe with their whole heart that as long as Mom and Dad are happy, the world is stable and good.

It's hard to stop thinking that way, so we put this same effort into our partners. If they are happy,..so are we. We find a way to get under their skin (because it's only comfortable for us to know every move they make, how they're feeling and how they view us) and soon, a healthy partner will begin to feel empty and tired. They can't get anything 'they need' from the relationship because their mate is so busy taking and demanding what they need. It's so important for this person to feel needed and valued, they forget that a partner requires his/her needs met also. It's a covert, vicious circle, and the fact that you finally see what you're doing is wonderful.

Your desire to make this a healthy marriage should take priority over your need to obsess and find your worthiness/value through another fragile human being. A therapist, self-help group or even a few books out there can help give you insight as to where all this 'need' (fear) stems from.

This is all going to have to start from within, and from what you've posted, will have to start fairly soon. You're not alone, and there is alot of help out there for this issue. Good luck to you and your husband.

Thanks, spirit lol. If you ever make it down to Fort Lauderdale for vacation, lemme know lol.

Ms. Teri: It's interesting you mentioned that. I'm the oldest child lol. I kinda always assumed, even welcomed, the responsibility, either stated, or implied, for that, but I feel kinda all alone out here lol.

Thank you all for your input. I too am the oldest child. This is really tough. Especially because I think he is done and just hanging on. I wish I could make it better and get it back to what we used to be.

Naturelady, it is a hard habit to break being codependent. I have the same kind of problem. I read this book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. A MUST READ! It has helped me out quite a bit. In turn it helps with anxiety and anger issues. You don't feel as frustrated when you start making the change. Hopefully this helps. I know it can feel like you are out of control and unhappy. Just hang in there! lots of hugs.

You said, "...it's ALWAYS on my mind." What is?

I suggest you plan out a balanced schedule of time with your BF, with friends/family and alone time. Then do it! It may feel uncomfortable because of the change but try to focus on the people you're with and the task at hand and eventually you'll probably start to feel happier and healthier.

I also suggest therapy. Then you can nail down what is really going on with you.

I just ended a relationship with my BF that was similar to yours....I would go to school, work, and wait by the phone. Then if he did not do what I WANTED, call when I WANTED, or say what I been WANTING to hear all day. It was a problem. I thought that I was in love..I was not...I was dependent on someone who could never fullfill me. Only God or your higher power can do that job...People are people and at the end of the day...I would get mad and puff up at him, he tried..It was crazy...but He was ABUSIVE and after leaving him...I can say that I expected to much from one person. Good luck and God speed....

This sounds like how my ex-bf was with me while we were dating. I had stuff going on, applying to grad school, friends, etc, and he just went to work and spent time with me. Needless to say, it didn't work out. I was frustrated that he didn't have anyone else to talk to or anything else to do, and blamed me for "leaving him" when i got into grad school.

The first step would be to find your hobbies an friends again. If you start working on your interests, it will take some of the pressure off your bf and give your relationship some breathing room.

It's hard, but I think that things can work out. Best of luck!

Hi Naturelady. I read your post and it was as if I had written it myself.. Do you two live together? You are young with your whole life ahead of you. I too lost my hobbies when I hooked up with someone and have now "lost myself". The "Love Drug" I call it, only lasts for a while and then wears off. All we are left with is ourselves so....we have to to nurture ourselves. I have learned this the hard way: 3 times now. 2 marriages and one cohabitation relationship which for me, has gone the way of the other 2. What is it you like to do? Maybe start off setting aside 1 day a month for your fun hobby, BY YOURSELF and without him and get him used to it. That's what I am trying to do right now. Love is torture. No wonder so many country songs are about this.