Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I usually dont post any threads, let alone long ones, so I apologize in advance for the lengthiness.
I had posted a while ago - probably about a year ago, about my mom being Bi-Polar and not recieving treatment for it.
The past several months had been much better - at least with me anyway. She was still getting pissy and lashing out at other people. She has 8 sisters and now none of them will talk to her. She seems to always be pissed at my sister, and she is usually mad at whatever few friends she has left.
But when I called, I was her friend, and she would confide in me and we would talk it out. We usually ended our conversation with her feeling better. I thought I was helping.
A few weekends ago, fiance's parents threw us a really nice engagement party. Mom came, it was a 2 1/2 hour drive for her to get there, but she was so happy and in a great mood. Things seemed to have finally gotten better.
Well.
I called her last night to chat and tell her I would be in town next week and wanted to see if she would be available for dinner and to hang out.
Well I guess her "mania" has ended and we wound up in a huge fight, with her getting verbally abusive and attacking me.
When she does this, she finds any reason she can to justify her lashing out. Bringing up things I did when I was 12, making things up completely, being angry at me for not hating people she feels have hurt her, accusing me of being in on some giant conspiracy against her - you name it.
Then she plays this passive-agressive victim game. "Nothings wrong, I'm just a screwup. Dont worry about it, I'm just FINE. You dont really want to know anyway, so why bother asking?? It's always MY fault. Everyone hurts me over and over again but I'M the one who is to blame!!"
She creates this awful life for herself - treats others like crap and them blames them for not wanting to be around her, and takes it out on those who ARE still there for her. And last night I told her to stop taking it out on me.
I call her to see when she can spend time with me, and she yells at me for not calling her enough and not spending enough time with her. Its like I cant fucking win.
She never calls me. She never comes to see me. She always wants me to take the initiative and no matter how much I do, its NEVER enough.
Then she made a nasty comment about coming "ALL the way to FKN NJ" for my engagement party and I snapped. As a result of my childhoos, as an adult I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and afraid of inconveniencing anyone. Thats a whole other story and several sessions of therapy. Anyway - it triggered me. So I said "You know -- if youre going to use the fact that you came to your own daughters engagement party as a weapon against me and throw it in my face, then maybe you shouldnt be a part of my marriage".
So she hung up.
She will hold a grudge against me for months, years even -- if not forever. Thats just how she is. Incapable of admitting fault, taking responsibility and letting it go.
I dont know what to do.
I dont want her behaviors to have a negative affect on me. I dont want it around my children once I start a family. There is no positive coming out of my relationship with her and its hurting me. She is the parent here. I cannot imagine being a parent, on the phone with your child who is crying trying to tell you that youre hurting them, and continuing to attack them instead. It makes me angry that she could even do that. It makes me feel like ending my relationship with her is whats best for me.
But shes my mom. And I'm honestly afraid that I am her last life line. I am seriously afraid she is going to wind up killing herself. Shes that bad.
I am just at a loss for how to turn this into something constructive.
I had posted a while ago - probably about a year ago, about my mom being Bi-Polar and not recieving treatment for it.
The past several months had been much better - at least with me anyway. She was still getting pissy and lashing out at other people. She has 8 sisters and now none of them will talk to her. She seems to always be pissed at my sister, and she is usually mad at whatever few friends she has left.
But when I called, I was her friend, and she would confide in me and we would talk it out. We usually ended our conversation with her feeling better. I thought I was helping.
A few weekends ago, fiance's parents threw us a really nice engagement party. Mom came, it was a 2 1/2 hour drive for her to get there, but she was so happy and in a great mood. Things seemed to have finally gotten better.
Well.
I called her last night to chat and tell her I would be in town next week and wanted to see if she would be available for dinner and to hang out.
Well I guess her "mania" has ended and we wound up in a huge fight, with her getting verbally abusive and attacking me.
When she does this, she finds any reason she can to justify her lashing out. Bringing up things I did when I was 12, making things up completely, being angry at me for not hating people she feels have hurt her, accusing me of being in on some giant conspiracy against her - you name it.
Then she plays this passive-agressive victim game. "Nothings wrong, I'm just a screwup. Dont worry about it, I'm just FINE. You dont really want to know anyway, so why bother asking?? It's always MY fault. Everyone hurts me over and over again but I'M the one who is to blame!!"
She creates this awful life for herself - treats others like crap and them blames them for not wanting to be around her, and takes it out on those who ARE still there for her. And last night I told her to stop taking it out on me.
I call her to see when she can spend time with me, and she yells at me for not calling her enough and not spending enough time with her. Its like I cant fucking win.
She never calls me. She never comes to see me. She always wants me to take the initiative and no matter how much I do, its NEVER enough.
Then she made a nasty comment about coming "ALL the way to FKN NJ" for my engagement party and I snapped. As a result of my childhoos, as an adult I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and afraid of inconveniencing anyone. Thats a whole other story and several sessions of therapy. Anyway - it triggered me. So I said "You know -- if youre going to use the fact that you came to your own daughters engagement party as a weapon against me and throw it in my face, then maybe you shouldnt be a part of my marriage".
So she hung up.
She will hold a grudge against me for months, years even -- if not forever. Thats just how she is. Incapable of admitting fault, taking responsibility and letting it go.
I dont know what to do.
I dont want her behaviors to have a negative affect on me. I dont want it around my children once I start a family. There is no positive coming out of my relationship with her and its hurting me. She is the parent here. I cannot imagine being a parent, on the phone with your child who is crying trying to tell you that youre hurting them, and continuing to attack them instead. It makes me angry that she could even do that. It makes me feel like ending my relationship with her is whats best for me.
But shes my mom. And I'm honestly afraid that I am her last life line. I am seriously afraid she is going to wind up killing herself. Shes that bad.
I am just at a loss for how to turn this into something constructive.
She could have came to the states to live with me, but by that time her brains were fried. She was a very intelligent woman but she made her choice way before I left - she wanted to party, drink and hook up with random, dangerous men. If she came to live with me, she would have continued to destroy and poison my life. She managed to cause problems in my sister's marriage by constant phone calls, demands and borderline extortion of money.
I ve suffered enough and it had to stop. My sister also gave up.
You owe your mother nothing. She must get help otherwise it wont be good for you or anyone who you consider close.
I am really sorry that you have to go through this.
The best that I can tell you is just because she's your mother Woman give birth to you, she's not entitled to your respect, continuing care and support. If this was a dating situation, everyone would be telling you to walk away.... If this was happening at work, we would tell you to quit or go to HR, or the labor board.
You're a good person. You're building a positive life. Not allowing this negative energy into it is something you are absolutely entitled to do. She's poison. She may be sick, but she's also making these choices.
I'm just...sorry.
Mom did text me the day afte rI posted this trying to poke at me, to see if I would bite. All I told her is that I love her, but I will not speak to her until she is capable of having a normal calm discussion.
She sent a few more violent messages after that, but I ignored them.
When (if) she calls, I will answer, but if she gets nasty, I will hang up.
Thnks again for sharing similar experiences and all of the kinds words - it helps knowing I have some great friends to push me along haha
I m proud of you.
I think you are an amazing strong woman and you are on a new path of peace and self love. Congrats :O)