Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I usually dont post any threads, let alone long ones, so I apologize in advance for the lengthiness.
I had posted a while ago - probably about a year ago, about my mom being Bi-Polar and not recieving treatment for it.
The past several months had been much better - at least with me anyway. She was still getting pissy and lashing out at other people. She has 8 sisters and now none of them will talk to her. She seems to always be pissed at my sister, and she is usually mad at whatever few friends she has left.
But when I called, I was her friend, and she would confide in me and we would talk it out. We usually ended our conversation with her feeling better. I thought I was helping.
A few weekends ago, fiance's parents threw us a really nice engagement party. Mom came, it was a 2 1/2 hour drive for her to get there, but she was so happy and in a great mood. Things seemed to have finally gotten better.
Well.
I called her last night to chat and tell her I would be in town next week and wanted to see if she would be available for dinner and to hang out.
Well I guess her "mania" has ended and we wound up in a huge fight, with her getting verbally abusive and attacking me.
When she does this, she finds any reason she can to justify her lashing out. Bringing up things I did when I was 12, making things up completely, being angry at me for not hating people she feels have hurt her, accusing me of being in on some giant conspiracy against her - you name it.
Then she plays this passive-agressive victim game. "Nothings wrong, I'm just a screwup. Dont worry about it, I'm just FINE. You dont really want to know anyway, so why bother asking?? It's always MY fault. Everyone hurts me over and over again but I'M the one who is to blame!!"
She creates this awful life for herself - treats others like crap and them blames them for not wanting to be around her, and takes it out on those who ARE still there for her. And last night I told her to stop taking it out on me.
I call her to see when she can spend time with me, and she yells at me for not calling her enough and not spending enough time with her. Its like I cant fucking win.
She never calls me. She never comes to see me. She always wants me to take the initiative and no matter how much I do, its NEVER enough.
Then she made a nasty comment about coming "ALL the way to FKN NJ" for my engagement party and I snapped. As a result of my childhoos, as an adult I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and afraid of inconveniencing anyone. Thats a whole other story and several sessions of therapy. Anyway - it triggered me. So I said "You know -- if youre going to use the fact that you came to your own daughters engagement party as a weapon against me and throw it in my face, then maybe you shouldnt be a part of my marriage".
So she hung up.
She will hold a grudge against me for months, years even -- if not forever. Thats just how she is. Incapable of admitting fault, taking responsibility and letting it go.
I dont know what to do.
I dont want her behaviors to have a negative affect on me. I dont want it around my children once I start a family. There is no positive coming out of my relationship with her and its hurting me. She is the parent here. I cannot imagine being a parent, on the phone with your child who is crying trying to tell you that youre hurting them, and continuing to attack them instead. It makes me angry that she could even do that. It makes me feel like ending my relationship with her is whats best for me.
But shes my mom. And I'm honestly afraid that I am her last life line. I am seriously afraid she is going to wind up killing herself. Shes that bad.
I am just at a loss for how to turn this into something constructive.
I had posted a while ago - probably about a year ago, about my mom being Bi-Polar and not recieving treatment for it.
The past several months had been much better - at least with me anyway. She was still getting pissy and lashing out at other people. She has 8 sisters and now none of them will talk to her. She seems to always be pissed at my sister, and she is usually mad at whatever few friends she has left.
But when I called, I was her friend, and she would confide in me and we would talk it out. We usually ended our conversation with her feeling better. I thought I was helping.
A few weekends ago, fiance's parents threw us a really nice engagement party. Mom came, it was a 2 1/2 hour drive for her to get there, but she was so happy and in a great mood. Things seemed to have finally gotten better.
Well.
I called her last night to chat and tell her I would be in town next week and wanted to see if she would be available for dinner and to hang out.
Well I guess her "mania" has ended and we wound up in a huge fight, with her getting verbally abusive and attacking me.
When she does this, she finds any reason she can to justify her lashing out. Bringing up things I did when I was 12, making things up completely, being angry at me for not hating people she feels have hurt her, accusing me of being in on some giant conspiracy against her - you name it.
Then she plays this passive-agressive victim game. "Nothings wrong, I'm just a screwup. Dont worry about it, I'm just FINE. You dont really want to know anyway, so why bother asking?? It's always MY fault. Everyone hurts me over and over again but I'M the one who is to blame!!"
She creates this awful life for herself - treats others like crap and them blames them for not wanting to be around her, and takes it out on those who ARE still there for her. And last night I told her to stop taking it out on me.
I call her to see when she can spend time with me, and she yells at me for not calling her enough and not spending enough time with her. Its like I cant fucking win.
She never calls me. She never comes to see me. She always wants me to take the initiative and no matter how much I do, its NEVER enough.
Then she made a nasty comment about coming "ALL the way to FKN NJ" for my engagement party and I snapped. As a result of my childhoos, as an adult I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and afraid of inconveniencing anyone. Thats a whole other story and several sessions of therapy. Anyway - it triggered me. So I said "You know -- if youre going to use the fact that you came to your own daughters engagement party as a weapon against me and throw it in my face, then maybe you shouldnt be a part of my marriage".
So she hung up.
She will hold a grudge against me for months, years even -- if not forever. Thats just how she is. Incapable of admitting fault, taking responsibility and letting it go.
I dont know what to do.
I dont want her behaviors to have a negative affect on me. I dont want it around my children once I start a family. There is no positive coming out of my relationship with her and its hurting me. She is the parent here. I cannot imagine being a parent, on the phone with your child who is crying trying to tell you that youre hurting them, and continuing to attack them instead. It makes me angry that she could even do that. It makes me feel like ending my relationship with her is whats best for me.
But shes my mom. And I'm honestly afraid that I am her last life line. I am seriously afraid she is going to wind up killing herself. Shes that bad.
I am just at a loss for how to turn this into something constructive.
She - Can you tell me how you deal with it? How you respond or what helps you to not make things worse? What is your approach?
My mom has Graves Disease, which is a form of Hypothyroidism. Some of the emotional synptoms include psychosis, bi-polar, anxiety, and depression. My mother seem to struggle with these symptoms the most, and at any given moment, shes exhibiting any combination of them.
She only behaves this way with people shes closest to. She is NEVER like this with strangers. Shes polite and smiles and is friendly when the fiance is around or anyone she hasnt known for several years, which makes it extra frustrating because they dont see what I see. It often makes me feel like its in my head and other people wont believe me.
She says things like "I have NOBODY" when I've been working so hard to help her by reaching out, showing her that I love her, and spending time with her. Like I'm just shit stuck to her shoe.
It's so draining. Going above and beyond to make her feel even the tiniest bit better. "Thank you SO much for coming to the party - it means the world to us to have you support us. I was so happy to see you there and it meant everything that you choose to spend the day with us." etc etc. Just over the top and it does nothing.
Constantly walking on eggshells. If I dont completely kiss her ass over the tiniest thing she does right, I get kicked in the teeth for it.
I'm struggling with being fed up with her inappropriate and hurtful behavior, and remembering that she is sick and has only so much control over it.
I want to scream.
It is really difficult.
Idk of this is is help you, but i have to work with people who have been through trauma and have mental illness every day.. My mother was also completely nuts..
My way of dealing with things like this is setting boundaries and enforcing them. If i start sensing that someone is becoming agitated i stop the conversation. It it is a stranger i say : " i am interested in what you are saying and i care, but i also see that you are upset. I will give you some time to calm down and we can continue soon. " and i exit.
If it is someone close, i say : " i love you, i care, i want to hear what you have to say, but i see that you are angry. I ll give you some time to chill out, call me when we can talk calmly"
Why isn't she on meds?
Excuse my ignorance here but can't she be made to take meds?
I am not sure how that works.
I agree with Aronia that as soon as you see/feel her getting riled up just end the conversation and walk away.
(((hugs)))
Aronia, I have tried that, but I guess I'm not being firm enough with my boundaries.
At what point after those boundaries are disrespected is it okay to say "Enough, I wont keep doing this with you" and walk away? Have you gotten to that point with anyone yet?
OTM - she has been on meds, but part of the sickness is that the meds work, you start to think youre all better, and stop taking the meds and go downhill.
I honestly think at this point she doesnt WANT to get better.
My sister and I have tried having her put in a psych hospital, since shes not a minor, she has to be a proven threat to harm herself or others before she can be forcibly committed.
Mental heatlcare in this country is a joke.
It is sad, but mental illness is one thing and being a manipulative, heartless jerk is another and sometimes people possess both.
Mental illness cant be cured but you can still be a decent person.
It's sad.
I do remember being chased around the kitchen with a knife once for doing something. I was 7 or 8.
Do you feel you made the right choice?
You dont have to go into too much detail, I'm not trying to pry. I look up to you and feel you are a gret role model, so it means a lot to know youve been through so much and turned out OK.
I'm the oldest of her 3 girls, and both my younger sisters have been diagnosed with bipolar and several other things. My middle sister is much like my mother, very over the top, terrible temper...identical to your mother. My younger sister lies about her health, life, marriage, ...its just astounding.
I have tried for decades to be the strong, steady pillar in all three of their lives; but after my Mom died in 2001, I couldn't take the sister's drama anymore. Keeping them at arm's length wasn't working; boundaries weren't working. So. I am no longer in their life.
I think there is a stigma in society forcing us to feel guilty if we remain battered and bruised in horrible family connections. The time has come for us to free ourselves from bondage. If our family members abuse us; treat us poorly, constantly make us cry, confuse us, hurt us,...etc.....
It's Time To Let Them Go. And That's Okay!
I'm sad that that I never got to experience having a real mom.
I'm so disappointed that neither of my two sisters could be sisters to me. But it hurts too bad to have them pounding me with their awful words, attitudes and drama. I just don't deserve it.
I'm able to wish them all the best; and I'm able to find peace. You deserve peace and you deserve without any guilt.
There are only a few choices here.
* Finally realize that she is mentally disabled and she will never be the person you want her to be. Accept it and continue the connection as is.
* Decide and stand by your own strict boundaries and keep her way-way far away at arm's length. (Don't call her so much and when you do, keep the conversation brief and light. When she become mean,..tell her you love her and hang up)
* End the connection all together. Send a Christmas Card.
This is no longer about her...it's about you and what you are willing to change to find more joy in your life. Whatever you decide, do it with confidence, love and strength. This is your life and only you can change it.
Maybe I've never been told that its okay to let her go.
And deep down, I know youre right. I am TERRIFIED of making a huge mistake.
My Grandmother had Bi-Polar too, she and one of my Aunts got into a big fight one day and they never spoke again. My aunt left and never came back, never called. My grandmothers depression got worse because of it and she stopped taking care of herself.
She wound up having 4 strokes in a week and was paralyzed on her left side. She gave up on life and died a few years later, disabled, unable to communicate, and completely miserable.
I dont know why I didnt think of this until now, but maybe I'll reach out to my aunt and talk to her about it. Duh. That seems so obvious now.
I guess I just had to "talk" it out a bit before getting there.
It -absolutely- helps to hear that I'm not alone in going through this.
Thank you so much, everyone.