Is this the same BF you wrote about leaving in early January https://www.dailystrength.org/group/breakups-divorce/discussion/just-told-him-it-s-over or a new BF?

Yes he refused to leave and said we are better together. He makes empty promises that he will cut back on the drinking but it's gotten worse not better. He won't admit he is an alcoholic and needs help. He recently came home drunk and admitted that he stops after work every day and gets 8 percent alcohol drinks. I corroborated his story by checking our bank account and he is drinking 2 24 oz alcoholic beverages on his way home from work, in my brand new car, after he just got his license reinstated just 3 months ago. Now I'm strongly suspicioning that he is smoking weed again, which he could lose his job over. Our sex life is suffering because he won't open up or explore things with me. When he smoked before he had no sex drive at all and paid very little attention to me. That's not why i think he is smoking again tho, it's because of his sneaky behavior and the smell and weird things I've found.
What makes this situation more stressful is I don't have enough money to survive without his paycheck. And my mom lives with us and she is having health issues, so she takes it out by verbally and emotionally abusing me like it's my fault! I tell you I just want to disappear.

I think if the things he's hiding from you are excessive and non-controllable drinking (while driving no less) and smoking weed, this is not exactly an issue you can let go. Is he using the "boundary" issue as an excuse to get you to stop approaching him on his substance use/misuse? For me, the drinking and smoking would be non-negotiable deal breakers. Hiding them from me would show me that he's either not able to own up to his issues or worse yet, a child thinking he can hide them.

I think you need to take a better look at what's happening to your heart and soul in this relationship. I think they're crying out for release.

Yeah I just feel stuck and used. He is very childish. He fidgets and gets nervous when I try to have any sort of serious adult conversation with him, especially about sex, and he hides things because he assumes I'm too stupid to notice or too nice to say anything. Even tho I have told him that it's hard for me to just obliviously trust someone after my ex cheated on me with multiple people. When he is up in the middle of the night however, he is sneaking around our room getting dressed and going outside. I saw him get something out of a sock and get a lighter and then something out of his jacket and sneak out with his clothes and shoes on. He thought I was asleep. I looked at the clock and it was 1 am. When he came back he stayed in the living room for a few hours. I've purchased vitamins for him to try for insomnia. I just don't understand what is wrong with him. I've never done drugs or smoked. I feel like I am being cheated on but with something illegal.
The reason I talk about boundaries is because if I don't block out this issue I will make myself sick with worry and blow up on him later. I'm trying to ignore it but I feel so small and hurt.
Another childish thing he does is he only wants to have sex in the shower because he is afraid my mom will hear. I understand but at the same time, we are both adults and so is she, she knows we are having sex. Idk why he can't be more open and give me more attention.
I don't think the right thing to do is just break it off. That will just hurt us both and emotionally stunt him even worse than he already is. I just wish I knew some steps to take for things to get better. That's what I plan to ask the therapist about when I get an appointment. I've never done counseling before and it makes me nervous that she will just say everything is my fault.

things won't get better
boundaries? and you live together
hides his past and many choices/actions he makes in the present
things will get worse
then dreadful

The therapist will not say everything is your fault. It can't be, anyway. Just be really honest with her and don't worry about being judged. To really open up in therapy is work, as is listening to her point of view.

I do wonder about you taking on the role of caregiver to your 20-something BF. I mistakenly assumed that role when I met my BF/husband, and it never matured much beyond the roles of caregiver/carestealer. It took me a really long time to figure things out. I live co-dependent no more, but it took a pretty bad divorce to free myself. I hope you can figure things out.

If he is an addict and is not willing to seek help, the only way to deal with it is to remove yourself from the situation. You can still be supportive, but you don’t have to live in it

This is never going to get better. I’m sorry to say that. You are in a very shitty situation. You are not responsible for his emotional growth. Not ending it because it will emotionally stunt him more is an excuse. If he’s an addict, the only reasonable thing that can happen is him getting help. Otherwise you are enabling him by acting as his mommy and his caregiver. Please see how warped the relationship is.

And if he won’t leave, call the police. I’m understanding it’s your home not his.

According to the women I work with, who complain constantly about their husbands, almost all men are babies who can't do anything for themselves. It just sucks because I've been stuck as caregiver for my mom for years and now it's like I have another adult child who can't live on his own. I've never known what it's like to live on my own and my current job won't allow me to take a second job. I can't lose the best job I've ever had just so I can be financially stable enough to leave my own house which I pay for. That's what's warped.

It reads like he's struggling with addiction..... Maybe you getting into Al anon can help you to make better choices for yourself

You can't save him..... However you don't have to stay in a 'sick' relationship either.... There is good help for addiction if he's willing to seek some help.....xo

No, men aren’t babies.
If women have husbands who don’t do anything for themselves, it is mainly their fault.

Until I got divorced, I didn’t realize that I created the husband I had and it all started when I had our first child. I was convinced that The only person who could take care of our baby properly was me. When women act this way, eventually men just throw their hands up in the air and back off.
Then we wonder, why our men don’t do anything - it is because we don’t let them sometimes.
Sometimes we enable them, sometimes we don’t let them and sometimes they are like this right from the start and we pick them.

So, try to let your guy be a man and deal with his issues.

I always baby everyone too and then my men saddle me up and ride me till I can’t stand it. I have nobody to blame but myself.

Don’t be like me. Find a man who will be a good father to your kids.

My husband is a baby when he’s sick with a cold. That’s the extent of it. He’s a fully functioning, independent adult otherwise. I wouldn’t marry a baby. I mean, sure we all have moments where we aren’t at our best, a bit needy, a bit immature. When it’s the default position, that’s an issue.

You deserve to live a life free of being everyone’s caretaker.

I'm seriously thinking of going thru his phone and trying to find his dad's number. I found out a couple months ago his dad actually lives about at hour away, not far in another state like my bf originally said. I think maybe if I call him and explain the situation he can have his son committed somewhere for rehab. We aren't married so I don't see how I can do anything.
Oh and last night he said he needed something out of the car and left in the middle of a family gathering then came back reeking of pot, it was like he went and rolled in a dead animal carcass. I was livid and embarrassed but kept my mouth shut for my family's sake. It was so disrespectful.