Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I've been married for almost 5 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. A little of what's going on. He always has what he likes to call a episode. It's where he is beyond angry. But it doesn't look like what you would expect. It's more running away, refusing to talk, silent treatment and me always being the one that is wrong. Top it off with a nice healthy dose of aspergers. Today being Christmas I was looking forward to a nice day. That's another thing, i never know if I'm going to get the sweet man I married or the one I'm trying to tell you about. So todays episode actually began last night. I did something to upset him. It could have been anything. Anyway he went outside to his car grabbed my Christmas gifts, and threw them at the Christmas tree while telling me merry Christmas. This morning was silent treatment. I gave him his gifts insisting he open them. I was so excited about one i had made for him. Later i had to take my adult son somewhere. When i return no husband. And he has thrown his gifts in the garbage. I'm so sad and heartbroken. I don't even know what i did or what i should do. Thanks for listening.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
Is this behavior "normal" for him or is this something that happens rarely?
If it is his modus operandi, are you willing to live with this? If not, counseling for him is probably necessary. If you are willing to live with it, counseling for you is a must if you want a relative measure of peace.
I strongly urge you to get counseling to learn how to cope with this behavior.
For what it's worth:
Your description of hubby's behavior sounds an awful lot like the episodes (My shrinks and I like that name for ^it^, too) my husband has been putting up with for 38 years. Why he puts up with them remains a mystery to me, but his tolerance and patience has gone a long way toward helping me heal from what my shrinks last called, "cPTSD." My overdeveloped flight/fight instincts are one of my gnarliest symptoms and. . . I dunno if it hurts worse on the inside or outside. It be a hurt-filled phenom.
His most effective reaction to my episodes is to take care of his own needs while he trusts me to work my way through the flashbacks, etc., which are at the root of my episodes. After I have worked through the episode with a little help from my therapy support network, he is fit and ready to talk about the episode with a calm, supportive attitude. No wonder I've kept him around for 38 years. I may need to spend the next 38 years figuring out why he didn't listen to the divorce advocates. He certainly had/has grounds for legal action. cPTSD is a gnarly condition to live with, whether as the "perpetrator" or "victim."
But that is me. . .
Gentle support while you figure what ^it^ is in your case, Lisa. Welcome aboard.
You could tell him counseling is actually not just for the mentally ill but for people who also don’t know how to manage their emotions like a fully functioning adult. I mean really he sounds like a child. When he finally quits pouting perhaps you can tell him you want to be married to a man not a fit throwing toddler.
I think being committed to someone’s potential, who they could be, just leads to a life of disappointment and heartache. But you know all sides of him so hopefully there are other things that balance out this particular behavior. Hope he somehow is able to manage himself a bit better in the future, for both of your sakes.
This may sound harsh, but the man he is -- is the man he is now. Thinking others will change and be better is a trap we put ourselves into. Can you accept him for how he is now, these acts of unreasonable anger or episodes? This is who he is and how he is. Not saying divorce him, but accepting him for who he is and how he is and these episodes is important.
Maybe with this acceptance of him and not trying to change him will bring you peace of mind and finding healthier ways to deal with the stress. If you decide he's more good and rarely "bad" then consider looking at how you act, react, etc. when things get argumentative between you. All people have quirks or negative traits. You will have to decide if this is a minor blip or something so serious that you will have to move forward to change. Best wishes to you.
It's more like being really emotionally immature. (We don't think 3 months olds pee in their diapers to annoy us, nor do we "talk" to them about it, or punish them for it. They're immature...for real....it is what it is.)
If you choose to stay....my advice...when he has these episodes...wait a week. Presents can be opened any day of the year... Give him the time he needs to process things in his head.